A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello Everyone,Would be really grateful if you could share some advice!At present I feel like I am being used by my friend although I dont stop hanging out with her because I have noone else. Ive always been the girl who gives so much into a friendship and never gets anything back. The one they use when they need someone to cry on. I am 18 years old and just finished my A-levels. I started becoming more and more friendly with this girl when I stayed on at school for post-16, as most of my other friends had left at the point for tech. Even though she was at school with me the whole time I was there we didnt start being friendly until our A2's started. Coinsidently I had just passed my test and got a car. At that time I had dificultys with a relationship and I was able to confide in her and she did give me alot of advice. Calling that, being there for me would be too much as she never rang me to see if I was ok, I just basically told her my problems. She was the first friend I ever had that I could trust. Throughout this year, Weve been friends and we still are friends, but I feel used all the time, She has a wide range of friends and knows alot of people. I take her everywere, even when we were at school, I gave her a lift to and from and ive never charged her any petrol money. I always ring her to see if she wants todo sumfin, I feel like I am always second down to her other friends because they are more cool than me. Sometimes I text her and she just doesnt rely. Although when I am with her she texts her other friends back straight away. Its really hard to explain this by writting but there are numerous examples of this. if shee gets a better offer shell be away. The only reason I spend so much time with her is because I feel like Ive got no other friends, I feel obligated because Ive told her so much about my life. Although this isnt the first time ive felt this way, Ive always felt not good enough, and felt like even though i give soo much i never get anything in return. I want to feel different, and feel like someone actully wants and needs me for a change! please help!! Thanks
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 July 2010):
 Honestly, you are using her as much as she is using you. You just don't see that.
Maybe you need to spread your horizon. Meet new people, get a new hobby, make new friends.
It's not about how many friends you have, it's about the quality of friends.
If you feel taken advantage off, stop doing so many things for people. they say yes most likely because you volunteer.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2010): I don't think you're being used to be honest. All those little signs you see and stuff are more down to your insecurity.
You really need to get more friends, more people you can spend time with and stuff. You're investing all of your social and emotional well being into one person that's not good.
I've had friends like that in past, people that only really had me as a friend and it's a lot of work. They only had me, so I was under constant pressure to be there for them, they'd call and text a lot more than my other friends looking to hang out because they had no one else to turn to or hang out with. If I turned them down to spend time with my other friends then they'd think there was something wrong. I was the focus of all their social interaction so they had too much time to think about me and all the little things I said and did, very often, like you their insecurities would lead them to the conclusion that I'm abandoning them or not spending enough time with them.
It seems to me you have a hard time trusting people, so when you do find someone you trust, you grab onto them in fear of letting go and you expect them to be just as committed to the friendship as you are. That's not healthy nor is it really possible.
You need more friends in order to be able to spread out your time and have a support network of friends that you hang out with and talk to about stuff. Having just one friend means you have no one else to turn to when you face difficulties in this friendship and we all face difficulties in our friendships sometimes.
You know you don't have to have complete trust in someone for them to be your friend, trust can take a long time to develop and some friends just can't be trusted with certain things but that doesn't mean they can't be your friend.
Get to know more people, start finding others to hang out with and have a good time. You've placed all your emotional stock into this friendship and if things go wrong you're going to be hurt and alone.
As far as this specific friend goes, it's very possible you're smothering her a bit. Perhaps you're a little over bearing in your expectations that she put all her time into you like you are her, but she has other friends that she wants to do stuff with. You should try and let these feelings go because if you make a big deal out of this it will most likely push her away if the fact that your her only friend isn't already.
Most of all friendships are about fun, if you start making this friendship dramatic or too intense then you'll lose her. Get out there and start getting to know new people, have a life outside of her and hedge your bets as they say. Spread your emotional needs around onto other people. I've lost count of the number of friends I've had and lost over the years, it's pretty normal and not a big deal for people to grow apart or have some other reason why they're not friends anymore because usually we have other friends around and this lessens the impact of losing one.
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