A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Last night my b/f and I attended a function and bumped into a couple we met several years ago, who at the time, were married to different people but found each other. I watched them from across the room when they did not know it, and obsserving how affectionate they were with each other, and it occurred to me that I have always longed to have that kind of relationship with a man, but never have been able to find it. I have told my b/f many times, that I wish he'd be (at least) alittle more affectionate with me, because I've seen him be affectionate with the other women he was involved with, but he never is with me. It's no wonder women are always coming up to him, and hitting on him when we're togethe; it's because they assume we are just work mates, or friends. Seeing this couple last night reminded me of what I'm missing out on; but I love my boyfriend. I've invested 5 years in this relationship and I feel I'm too old to start looking again. I just think if he was more demonstrative with me on a daly basis, he'd fine it more difficult to yell and be impatient with me at other times. But he never sees it that way so nothing ever changes. I realize some men just don't feel comfortable doing these things; I spent 15 years with the last man I was with, and he never got it either. So I don't have the energy to keep looking for my (so-called perfect) Mr. Right. Yet I'm tired of feeling like I settled for something less. If I whine about this subject, my b/f will make a few changes for like a week or so then everything goes back to us just functioning in life like two people who have no romance between us. I don't know what to do!! Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2010): It really is time to get real with yourself. It's been five years and he still hasn't changed. It may be he may not love you or simply that he is not that affectionate. Either way you are not happy and it doesn't appear things are going to change. You should move on with your life. As far as being too old to start looking again...you are never too old to find your true love.
A
female
reader, Auntie E  +, writes (21 March 2010):
 You are afraid of being alone which is why you are settling. Don't bring home an alligator and then be angry, upset and annoyed when it won't sit in your lap and purr like a kitten. This guy is the way he is and that's not going to change. You are not a match but feel trapped because of your age and the fact that you have already invested (more like wasted) five years already in an unsatisfactory relationship. Stop trying to "fix" him. Understand?
...............................
A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (21 March 2010):
 If there is no affection then what is there? How is the love between you manifested?
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (21 March 2010):
 I think you should keep looking. Yelling should never be allowed at any time of a relationship. If you try to change him 5 years after it never works. You do have the energy to look for Mr Happy. You have to recharge it after spending all those years with men who sucked you dry.
...............................
A
female
reader, Entirely Unique +, writes (21 March 2010):
 If he wasn't that kind of person then he wouldn't have been like it towards previous girlfriends so he is capable of it and it is something he can do and has been happy to do in the past.
I understand you don't want to keep on having to tell him how you feel and that you want this in your relationship but if you want something you have to talk to him and make him understand how you feel.
Have you tried just trying to bring this kind of affection into your relationship by making little affectionate gestures yourself and see if he follows in returning them?
If you can't get this side into your relationship then you have to work out what is more important to you, this boyfriend and your feelings for him or a relationship with the things you feel are missing from your relationship.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2010): You have to learn to value yourself in order for someone else to value you as you deserve. This is a long and painful process, but at least you will have hope while you're going thru it. If you settle for someone who doesn't value you enough to cry it out loud that he loves you, with his words, gestures, and attitudes, then you are effectively settling.
Does that make you happy? I don't think so.
Throw away the fear. Don't worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow will take care of itself. Worry about today. He's not fulfilling your emotional needs. Let him know by your actions, and walk away if necessary (always with dignity).
If he really does value you, he will chase you until he gets you back. If he doesn't, you will have cut your losses. It is the ultimate test, all or nothing.
Difficult? You bet! Worth it? Think about it...a man who's taking you for granted is bound to break your heart in the end, either by making you unhappy or leaving you in the end for someone else. And if you think it's late now to start over, think about how it's gonna be in a couple of years if he decides to make the move.
Do you wanna live with this fear forever?
...............................
|
