A
male
age
36-40,
*olidus
writes:I'm 25 and I've been dating this girl who is 22 for about 2 months now and everything has been fine. However, recently she brought her five year old daughter to live with her which changes the dynamic of our relationship considerably.Originally, I thought her daughter didn't like me. Then she pulled a complete 180 on me and said some stuff that freaked me out a little bit. "I want you to marry my mom, so you can be my new daddy" Her mom was embarrassed and laughed, but I saw this as some sort of declaration of the future herding me down a road I didn't ask to go. Little by little i feel like im being pulled into this pseudo-family and that doesn't really appeal to me at this juncture in my life. Its just I kinda like i feel like I'm expected to be this girls dad or something and that's not a roll I'm entirely comfortable with.I just told my mother that the reason why i don't feel comfortable with this whole thing is becuz I'm not who I want to be as a person yet. ya know? I don't have anything. No job. I'm going to be devoting a lot of time to school and the biz of trying to start my career...I don't have anything. I'm just starting ya know, and I feel like these are situations/responsibilities I'd be better able to deal with if I had those things. The career, The house, the whatever, like a proper adult. My friend says "you cant whole-heartedly become super involved with someone entirely unless you are comfortable with urself and ur situation."I still dig the mom and I'm not saying I wanna break up or anything, but these are concerns I have. I want to talk about them with her, but I don't want her to become upset and start crying or something. What do you guys think? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Brooklyngirl +, writes (17 January 2010):
 I think it is very important that you talk to her about your feelings! Communication is key to a healthy relationship, and she needs to know where you stand!
Explain to her that you are not breaking up with her, but you need to take things slower. You need space to figure out who you are before you commit to her.
Whether the mom told her 5 year old to say that or not is irrevelant. You already know how the mom feels about you. The daughter may or may not want you as her daddy...but I am a preschool teacher, and the five year olds I know wouldn't say something they don't feel! They are honest with their feelings. The are not yet considerate of peoples feelings, or hurting them!
Talk to your girlfriend, if she cries, comfort her and reassure her that you still care for her!
Good Luck and best wishes with your schooling and career!
~BG~
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2010): I agree with the other posters, sounds like the mom might have told the daughter to say that. To be honest though, I can actually relate with the little girl. When I was very young my parents divorced and my father moved away. Anytime I got to know one of my moms bf's, I would tell them things similar to what you described. The reason I did this was plain and simple; I needed a dad. It probably freaked the guys out, but I was a youngin, I didn't know any better. Kids do and say whatever pops in to their heads. I mean they eat pennies and glue for crying out loud. Don't read too far into things, or you will just freak yourself out. If the girl is living with the mom, and has spent a decent amount of time around you, it makes sense that she might begin to think of you as a father figure; especially if she has witnessed you being affectionate towards her mother. You should not feel obligated to marry your girl just because a 5 year old tells you to. I would say just go with it for now. Be happy that the little girl has accepted you into her world. If it becomes too much of a problem, let your girl know what is up. Either way, you are not tied down. You can walk away anytime you want. That is unfortunate though. Being close to your age, something like this would definitely freak me out.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (17 January 2010):
Well I think it's smart of you to realize you need a job, a career and such before anything can really happen, and to realize that you need to talk to the mother about this. I find it a bit suspicious the daughter has suddenly done a total U-turn. Children usually don't do that. So I suspect her other has perhaps been telling her to say that. Don't judge her for it, I just think she loves you that much. You need to think very carefully about all this. You can either suggest that you just slow down while you get your job and life in order, with the idea that within the next few years you will commit, or if you can't commit then end it so she can move on.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2010): You knew she had a kid when you started dating her. What? Did you think the kid would magically disappear?
You say you "dig" the mom. What is that? It sounds like you are using her. If you aren't ready to even consider that as a possibility in the future, quit keeping her hopes alive.
Next time, don't get involved with someone who has a kid if you aren't willing to at one point consider being with them.
That being said, you should pick a good time to calmly tell her your fears.
She needs to understand things from your point of view. It's a lot to take in so fast.
Equally, you need to understand her point of view. She's not looking for just another boyfriend. Her long term goal is to settle down.
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A
female
reader, Jezebella +, writes (17 January 2010):
It really just sounds like your making a big deal out of nothing.2 monthes isnt a long time and the way your girlfriend laughed @ her daughters remark means shes in no way thinking of marrage and as 4 her daughter shes young and she likes u which means she doesnt want you to leave so she thinks if u marry her mom she wont lose a friend. Talk to ur gf im sure she wont get upset as long as ur honest.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (17 January 2010):
Personally, I kind of think her 5-year old was taught to tell you that she wants you to marry her mom. But if you don't think so, since you were there and not me, you might be a better judge; but I just don't see a kid coming up with that on their own, especially if they were acting completely different than before.
I think you need to talk to her and depending on the kind of person she is, she may get upset or cry. But it's best if you tell her that things need to slow down a bit because things are going a little quicker than you'd like and you're not exactly ready to play the role of "daddy." But on another note, when getting involved with someone with a child, you also need to realize that you're not just dating her because her child is apart of her and is always going to come first. So if you're not ready to be anyone's daddy anytime soon, you may also want to reconsider the relationship.
I also think it will help slow things down if you take her out on dates away from the house rather than hanging out around her place where it's you, her, and her daughter. That way you can see her if/when she can get a sitter and you can date her rather than feeling like you're suddenly someone's husband and father. Good luck!
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