A  ,
*elsi
writes:I am a 50 plus year old female. I am feeling hurt and betrayed. One of my very best friends, as I've spoke about before in this forum is planning on moving. She claims I am the very best friend she has ever had in her life and I feel the same about her. I found out that she and her husband are making plans to return to their home town which is 1400 miles away by the end of March. She has never said a word to me about it and I feel she is making these plans behind my back. I even talked to her about a week ago about how happy I was nicer weather was coming so that she and her husband could come to my house for a cook-out. We work together and I have said that if they leave I would consider getting a different job too because of all the drama at work. I can't believe that they are making plans to leave and not giving me a heads up so that I can do the same. They know I don't want to be there if they are not there and they know because of our association some of the other employees no longer talk to me. Please don't lecture about how you shouldn't work with friends, this is not about that, it is about me feeling betrayed by my friend. I get the other believe me! She should have told me they were making plans to leave. After all I am suppose to be her very best friend ever. I feel so hurt that she don't care enough about me to be honest and upfront. I have even shared with her that I lost a very good friend of 30 years because she betrayed me by divulging a secret. She knows how strongly I feel about betrayal and lack of honesty. I'm not sure what to do, my first reaction is to not contact her after she leaves, my second reaction is to confront her about it before they leave. However work is tough enough without upsetting the apple cart even more. HELP!!!!
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 February 2015):
 Well now you know, so NOW you CAN go look for a different less drama filled job.
Look for silver linings in life. This is one. Not that she is moving, but that you now KNOW she is moving so you can change job.
Most people are excited about moving, my guess is she didn't tell you because MANY things were still up in the air. Once ideas become plans, and plans become action you tell people. I would venture a guess that she KNOWS you would be upset that they are moving, so she wanted to make it "normal" for as long as possible. Don't look int o people's actions and expect then to stand there with a dagger for your back every time. SOME TIMES... they put THEY own feelings first.
Start job hunting and wish her and her hubby well, you can still talk, skype, email, phone and text.
A
reader, kelsi +, writes (10 February 2015):
kelsi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOH...there has been a misunderstanding. I wasn't saying I was going to move 1400 miles away with my friend. When I said "We work together and I have said that if they leave I would consider getting a different job too because of all the drama at work". I simply meant a different job right here in my home town, not at all thinking about moving. So sorry for the misunderstanding. I could never leave my family here.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 February 2015):
 Hold on a second. She was neither dishonest, nor did she "betray" you in any sense of the word!
In fact, speaking as someone who moved around a lot many miles away as a kid, I didn't like telling my best friends that I was moving until I absolutely had to, because I wanted to spare them pain AND while my life was in chaos, I wanted to enjoy "normality" with them.
She would have told you in her own time. If you are her "very best friend" as you say you are, you need to respect her when it comes to this. She hasn't left yet, and you're acting like she disappeared without saying goodbye. She hasn't.
Here's another thing - you made the reason that you want them to tell you so you can move too? You would pick up on the fly and move 1400 miles away without a single thought?? Don't you have family and other friends beside her??
That's the beauty of friendship. We don't "owe" that sort of thing to our friends. She didn't owe telling you until she's ready to, no more than you owed telling her things about your life.
Your last comments about a 30-year friend dropping a friendship by divulging a secret and comparing it to your current friend "betraying" you makes me wonder how many grudges you carry and how many friends and/or family you have disowned in your lifetime, especially if you're so eager to follow a friend 1400 miles away on a whim.
Friends go in and out of your life. This day and age, technology makes friendships last longer than they used to.
Calm down about your friend. She neither betrayed you, nor was she dishonest. She simply chose to be private about things, and that wounded your ego.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2015): 'She should have told me they were making plans to leave.' No OP, she shouldn't have to tell you anything. What she and her husband plan is their business. You are neither a partner nor a dependent (child) that they HAVE to consult and prepare for their move. 'We work together and I have said that if they leave I would consider getting a different job too because of all the drama at work. I can't believe that they are making plans to leave and not giving me a heads up so that I can do the same.'Your career move is independent of their existence I hope. If work is as tense as you say then you should find another job anyway because you can't rely on them to be the be all and end all of your personal and professional life. Find another company where you fit in and have warmer relations with your colleagues. You'll be happier in the long term. OP, your best friend is moving 1 400 miles with her husband leaving their stable incomes. Shouldn't you be concerned? Maybe a parent is on their deathbed. Or maybe one of them has a terminal illness and wants to be closer to family. Maybe they got fantastic professional opportunities there in which case you should be happy for them. Part of loving and caring about someone is wanting them to be happy. I think you should stop thinking about yourself for a moment and wonder if your best friend is going through something huge. Be there for and be ready to listen when she's ready to share. In the meantime do what's right for your career.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 February 2015):
 I think the key to your post is this sentence: " I have even shared with her that I lost a very good friend of 30 years because she betrayed me by divulging a secret."
IF this woman (and her hubby) have decided that your adhesion to them is a bit "over the top"... they may be deliberately leaving you out of their information loop... about their moving.... because you come across as clingy and - in your own fashion - controlling...
Let them go and don't feel compelled to "chase" them.... Get on with your life, only....
Good luck...
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (9 February 2015):
Hi OP...First of all remember one thing...Your "best" friend has a life of her own with her husband. Whatever plans they make do not really have to concern you. To let you know their plans would be their choice, not a right to you.
Your friend could also be in a very bad place knowing all this. She may not know how to tell you, as she maybe hurting herself with the fact of moving. It's not like she is taking you on a vacation where she can say "Hey guess what? You are coming with us 1400 miles away...Yeah!!!" I am sure this is hard for her too, and she has no way of letting you know without feeling being hurt and tears flowing.
If you are best friends as you say...be happy for her, because 1400 miles and love for a good friend is not that far. Now you can say you have your first long distance relationship...HA!
Plus with today's technology it could be fun...Facebook, texting, emails, and so many other ways to keep in touch. I know it's not the same, but it's better than nothing.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (9 February 2015):
 It sounds like maybe she doesn't like you as much as you like her.
I don't think confrontation will help you. You will come across as needy.
Stay in contact with her after she moves. It's not worth ruining a friendship over this.
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