A
female
age
51-59,
*ot STUPID!
writes:My boyfriend of 16 yrs and I are very close to destroying us. It's both of us, not just one. he says it is all my fault and that im crazy. we have been close friends with a couple for about 10 yrs now. she and i are/were very close. the guys were very close as well. about 6 months ago her husband passed away. it was very hard for all of us. my boyfriend took it upon himself to totally watch out for her against his dangerous biker family that has disowned her as a part of their family since their son died. i agreed that she needed us. until now anyway... just so happens that she does exceptionally well in coping with her loss. her late husband kept very tight reins on her social life. and no one dare look at his woman either for 20 yrs they were married. well now that he is gone im afraid that she is loving the attention from my boyfriend all too much! they get along really well. the 3 of us laugh and have fun reminiscing old times. but i started to notice that he always agrees with her on things that he does agree with me on. uh.. everything she says is funnier. he deletes phone calls he has made to her trough out the day, leaving a few. they talk on the phone for hrs at a time a couple times a day. not to mention text messages and visits too in that same day. i try really really hard to not let it get to me like that, but i could no longer hold back my jealous and envious feelings toward her. i stopped calling and texting her. he called her more then. i felt like she and my boyfriend were bashing me because he started treating me like i was a crazy psycho person and said that i didnt know what i was talking about. told me that i should be ashamed of the accusations. but i never accused them of having sex. i know they havnt. i would feel it in my heart if they had. started talking to her again and i laid it all out to her. she says that she totally understands because her late husband kinda put her through some similar situations. she knows how it affects us women. but then she agrees with my boyfriend on everything he says making us both feel as if we are right which is fueling both (im right/ he is right)fires. he says that im being very selfish and disrespectful. she says that she would never do anything to hurt me but at the same time neither one is doing anything to help me to overcome this jealousy. i think they should back off a little. she said that she would, but he still calls her and she still answers.... i say she is loving the male attention that she never had. he says if i dont stop with the ridiculous behavior that it will come to an end. i dont want that at all! we used to think that we were soul mates! if people saw one of us they knew the other was close behind. cant say one name without saying the other... we just go together. i feel stupid because this is not normally how i act. it just hurts my heart to think that he does love me enough to care help me get through this to refrain from calling and talking as much every day. or let me in on his plans with her instead of hiding them. and not deleting calls, so i dont wonder why he is in the first place. i just wont give up trying to convince him that what he is doing to me is morally wrong. i keep telling him that i will change my private eye detective behavior to prove to him that he is being secretive if he would just treat me like he used to. he has grown cold and mean to me. if he would stop treating me like that and go back to treating me like someone he loves, then i wouldnt feel so deprived of what attention he shows her. he says i need to stop first then he will treat me better. please i am beginning to feel as if he may be right. am i wrong for feeling this way? i know its impossible to change him. so is there a different way i could look at things to help myself not to fall into an insecure woman with low self esteem? Ive never had low self esteem before. and never understood how people could allow themselves to get that way. i was wrong! it happens and ya dont even realize it. it sucks to feel this way. beginning to be a woman hater also! help me to help myself. will jealousy now become a part of the person i am for the rest of my life? its not a characteristic i want to define who i am in my life ever again. help....
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insecure, jealous, self esteem, soul mates, soulmate, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Not STUPID! +, writes (15 May 2011):
Not STUPID! is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys! You have very good insight and advice. Most of which I felt like I already knew. It just helps to hear from others their point of view. With all of this crap I was beginning to question myself. I just find it really hard to be mean to my gf because she is really a sweet and genuine person. Has been to me anyway... See there I go again. i
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2011): I'll go one more. 999 out of a 1000 women would feel the way you do, and the other 1 should feel the way you do.
Secretive behavior is not good in relationships.
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A
female
reader, littleBB  +, writes (3 May 2011):
Dear OP, nine women out of ten would react the way you do. You are not being unreasonable here, on the contrary, you are just trying to protect your relationship. Your husband is very wrong, he is not respecting your feelings, he is being secretive, he is seeing and talking too much to this lady,because he likes her attention too, and what's worse he is accusing you of being crazy. Such accusations are unhealthy as they shutter your self esteem, and makes you doubt yourself. From the outside it looks like he is conducting what is usually referred to as an emotional affair, which will eventually become physical if he doesn't put an end to it. I have been in your shoes that's why I know this and I can tell you that if he doesn't change his ways your relationship is doomed. Not only he is wrong but he is also cold and mean to you and he accuses you when he is the party at fault here. Either he is in denial of his bad behaviour or he is flat out lying to you. You are not a jealous person, you are just trying to defend your territory, and you have very good reasons to experience feelings of pain and a sense of betrayal. You are not a woman hater, but you need to put the blame where it belongs: your husbands is the one more at fault because he is the one who swore fidelity to you. She is not a very good friend either, but remember this :he is your husband! Demand that he stops seeing and talking to this lady, be assertive, don't let him manipulate you, that is the only way your relationship can last.
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