A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello, my problem isnt huge, but i feel like from your profile you can help me with my situation. I am so fed up at the moment and sometimes tearful. Im 29 and live with my boyfriend, and he does absolutley nothing to help me around the house apart from cook (then i end up washing up). We both working 8am - 6pm everyday, but when i get home my day doesnt end there, but he just sits down with a drink while i do washing, ironing etc. I even spend all morning on saturdays cleaning while he is as work. OK i may be a little too tidy but all i want is a clean house. I ask him to do things but its takes him ages or find a reason not to do it. What can i do as im so fed up right now, i feel he takes advantage. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Teacake  +, writes (11 November 2008):
 Could you both chip in and hire someone to clean once a week? In the old days.... 50s & 60s - people had hired help and chores were not as big a problem. You could also have laundry done for you somewhere?
I guess men are the same all over the world! LOL But if your load was lessened by hiring someone, that might help a bit.
A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (11 November 2008):
 I love Dr Phils idea of working when he works. If he sits down and has a drink, so do you. When he willing to clean the kitchen with you, do it it together. When he needs clean clothes wash and fold together. I only work part time so I do the majority of cleaning in my house. But something I do on the weekends is set a timer. I set the timer for one hour and then we all clean as much as we can as fast as we can and when the hour is up it is amazing what we have all acomplished. Then we get a reward of something fun together!
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A
female
reader, Fiona xxx +, writes (11 November 2008):
 This is such a common problem and have been there myself. I am a realist and not a "clean freak". Our house can be clean or clean-ish but not necessarily tidy.
I find that when the wife is ill or busy working long hours or studying men can easily comment "It's dusty" but wouldn't dust etc.
I won't kill myself if he's not doing his bit. If I come to picking up 2 knives that are not fit to use, a plate that's not fit to use and a pan that's not fit to use (in short he dunked the dishes in and out and they are not clean). I will put them into the sink with hot soapy water and won't re-wash just to prepare a simple meal. Then he'll have to re-do his washing up and the washing up I leave. It's a simple as that.
He does his ironing, although it can take an argument as he feels it's unfair.
Division of labour is vital otherwise everything easily does fall on the women, and that's without the woman being picky and wanting everything "just so" or immaculate.
I learnt from experience that taking things in turns doesn't work.
If I asked him to clean the bathroom, he'd clean the sink, and the top of the toilet only (because he's too squeemish to clean the actual toilet).
So you have to agree on the tasks that you are both willing to do, so neither of you feel taken advantage of or that it's all on one person so to speak.
The strangest thing in houses is that half of the washing up is our husband's, so is the laundry, so he should have some responsibility.
I hate to sound old-fashioned but I do wonder if half the problem is that you are living together and not married. At the best of times guys can find it hard to settle into a new routine and take responsibility and in marriage you have more commitment and more committment so sort out stuff like this.
I remember when we met, he was living in a rented room as a lodger. The only food of his in the fridge was half a block of cheese and a tub of margarine. So you don't really get an idea (or perhaps you do ha-ha) of how he will be when you live together when it's not his place where he was living before.
You do need to sort this out, otherwise there is no fun in life if every other time you speak it's arguing over everyday chores. After all chores always need doing.
This is why I wonder if living together "to see how things go" helps because he is hardly out to impress with everyday life. Does he expect things to last?
Fiona
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2008): Even if you had a dishwasher you'd argue as to who should empty the thing!
Maybe your idea of clean and tidy is a lot different to his. Men are more untidy than women. This is a common problem. Men have a deficiency with their eyesight when it comes to noticing dust on top of the telly.
If he cooks, let him know that cleaning up afterwards is his responsibility. Don't do the washing up. If there's a pile of dirty dishes in the sink leave them there. Even if they're still there in the morning. Don't weaken. If you do them he won't feel he has to. Willpower will probably be needed on your part.
When there's not a clean pot, pan, knife, fork or plate left in the house that's the time that you tell him he's paying to take you out to a restaurant unless he gets his arse in gear and does something about the mess in the kitchen. It's also the time that you look through the yellow pages and ask him whether he'd prefer a male or a female cleaner.
If this fails, go on a work to rule. Make yourself a sandwich. Wash and iron your own clothes but not his. There's no reason why he shouldn't do the washing, hang it out and bring it back in again. The inner workings of a clothes peg aren't that difficult to figure out. Men generally don't do ironing except for shirt tails and handkerchiefs so it's a fair compromise if he does the washing and you do the ironing.
If he sits down with a drink after getting in from work, you do the same. He should get the message quite quickly.
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