A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i know this isnt really a relationship problem, but it kinda is.. Ever since my father passed away in feb of 2006 me and my mum have become very close, i was 13 and had no brothers or sisters but my mum was 34 and pregnant. i think because my dad wasnt there for her during the pregnacy, i kinda took over his place, i was there when she had my little brother and ive helped her bring him up.. well hes now 2 and he is good, hes generally well behaved, he usually does what hes told. But my mums recently, well im sayin recently, about 10 months ago i think, started seeing this new guy, since my dad, theres been no one, shes been single and spent all her time with me and harley and i guess she does deserve to get out and have a life, shes been through a lot! but since this guy came along, who i must admit does look after her and does treat her well and likes me and harley too =) Hes kinda taken her off of us, well he hasnt! but thats how it feels at the moment, shes constantly out! shes out every night with him, hes not exactly rich but hes not short, and he takes her out for meals and he takes her to bars, clubs, takes her shopping till 9 and 10 o clock at night, they have these family get togethers every now and again, him and his family, and he takes my mum with him but kids arent alowed so i look after harley while they go out and enjoy their selves, it was her birthday in july and he bought her an auditt convertible and well she obviously ! i mean who wouldnt?!, thought it was the bees knees. she was runnin round like a maniac when he gave her the keys! and me and harley had only bought her a chain and her favourite purfume, it just got shuvved to the back of the pile basicly! i know its a car and its a nicer gift than our present but i spent every penny i had, tryin to buy her the nicest thing i could and he comes along with his stupid car and i might as well not have bothered. im dreading christmas already! But its not just that, i ask her sometimes if we can go out, just me and my mum.. just once a week if i can spend some time on my own with my mum! rick (her boyfriend) gosh i hate to call him that! could look after harley, while we went out even if its just for an hour! but no, we will organise something and then he'll pop up with an idea and ill end up babysittins while they go out, yet again! example! me and mum were spose to be going out for dinner not last friday but the friday before, do a bit of girly shopping, and then out for a meal, i havnt spent time properly with my mum for at least 4 months. if not longer! i was really lookin forward to it. and he comes along with some tickets for a show or something and off they go, in her bloody car all laadeedaa as they do, all dolled up! happy as larry, and im there lookin after harley! i mean, i dont mind watchin him, i love him! and i would give my life for him, but i just wish i could have a break, if id of wanted to be a full time babysitter then i would of had a child of my own, but im not ready for it, so i havnt done! I plan days or nights out with my friends and they either get cancelled because im babysittin or they go without me, it really upsets me because while their out enjoyin themselves, harleys asleep for 8 o clock if not earlier and im in the house, on my own till whenever they show their faces! i dont dare invite anyone round, incase theyre home early, drunk! because ill end up in trouble and made to look a fool! sometimes, like on the odd occasion, when i know theres no chance of them being home early, i invite a fit boy round! haha, or on a weekend my best friend sleeps. but apart from that, nothing! i go to bed some nights and cry! infact most nights, i just feel like hes taken her away from me! I miss her, i actually miss her! i think sometimes i actually hate him! hes practically taken my mum away from me what right does he have to do that! and then the next minute i think, im being out of order here, shes enjoyin herself its about time! im just confused! I want her back, im sick of lookin after the baby all the time! i need time with my mum, ive been through quite a bit too! i just cant tell her, i feel like ive lost my right arm AND MY LEFT ONE! :'( Pleasee someone help me :(
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female
reader, lilacfox +, writes (29 August 2008):
 Hi,
I am sorry to hear you are having such a rubbish time of it :o(
You seem to me though to be very mature and understanding, and you can see both sides of this.
I think your mother is very fortunate in that you are as understanding as you are, as I know a lot of people of your age who would have gone off the rails in response to this months ago.
You say that you and her had got really close? Is there any way that you can get some time with her just the two of you on your own? For example when this fella is at work?
I really do think that you need to talk this through with her. She needs to be aware of your feelings, as if I were in her position, I would be really upset to know you were feeling this way and hadn't been able to talk to me about it.
Yes, I agree that she is being completely insensitive, but also that she has been so swept up in the new romance that she isn't realising how insensitive she is being.
But on the other hand, 10 months is not such a "new romance" any more.
The way you have explained yourself here is spot on, you don't sound selfish at all as you are seeing her side, but you need for your side to be seen as well.
If you can't get her alone to talk to her, then a letter is the next way to go ~ also, you can better plan what you are going to say when you can write it down first!
This man should realise that the three of you come as a package, or none at all. Does he have any kids of his own, or no?
Only you know your mother well enough to know what is the best way to approach her, either by talking to her, or writing to her. Try and explain things to her as you have done here. Maybe suggest that for even one day or night a week you can have time put apart that is for just you and her. Tell her that you don't resent her relationship, or dislike this fella, but that you miss her. I don't actually think you need anyone to tell you what you need to say to her as you have done well enough here already ;o)
If talking to her and/or writing to her are not possible to do, maybe "accidentally" leave your pc on at this page for her to find?!
I really do hope you find some resolution with her :o)
Good luck, and please come back anytime XX
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (29 August 2008):
She is being insensitive but I don't think she's doing it on purpose, just because she's in this big romance.
I think you need to do something to grab her attention. Either write her a letter if you think that would help telling her exactly how upset and hurt you are by her actions, or just tell her you want to move out.
If that doesn't work then do something a bit more dramatic. Disappear to a mate's house one afternoon and don't come back. Then let her realise that she doesn't know anything about your life or any of your friends.
Roll in about 1am and tell her you wanted her to see what it was like having to stay in and look after a 2 year old when you had made plans to go out. When she asks where you were tell her you were with your boyfriend. Tell that since you never speak any more that you haven't had chance to tell her about your boyfriend.
Either that or just hang in there and get some decent A levels and then go to uni in a far away place. She might realise how much work you were having to do for her after that.
Good Luck!! xx
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