A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been trying to write for days and it just goes on too long. I just need help and advice on what to do as I really can’t talk to my friends or family. I have been with my husband for 6 years now, since I was 16. He is here illegally, he grew up here his parents brought him here when he was 1 years old so he knows no different. I have come to realize that that may be where our problem really is but then I have second thoughts. He cannot get a job because he is not legal to work in the US so he cannot support us, I am working right now and he takes care of our child. That has to hurt a man who wants to take care of his family and cannot. He has always talked down to me about not being a virgin when we got together; he was not either, about not being pretty enough, about being bitchy and all sorts of other things. He calls me names daily, pathetic, trash, easy, bitch, piece of shit ect ect. I have grown cold and I don’t feel that pain anymore from his words. But he can also be the best person ever, sweet, funny, caring, loving. He makes me laugh, he helps around the house a little bit, and he is a GREAT father. But he is tearing me apart with his words. He used to be physically abusive but all that stopped once we had our little boy, since then his words have become much stronger and much uglier. One time back in high school when we were together maybe a 9 months or so my ex boyfriend called my house and I answered and talked for a few minutes. I had no intentions of calling him and again and I asked him not to call either. SO I did not tell my boyfriend about my ex calling and us talking. A little while later he found out and blew up and said I have cheated on him, I’m dirt and a slut and all these crazy things. I did not mean to hurt him so I begged him to take me back and he did. But this incident that happened 5 or 6 years ago now still is our biggest issue. He brings this up constantly and accuses me of cheating on him still. I have never done him wrong or even wanted to. But I am defending myself when I haven’t done anything wrong and its driving me crazy. Yesterday my friend came over and so did his, but he said something about being embarrassed of his friend and I said “why? He’ll hit up on my friend” and he freaked out saying “why you like my friend? Is he your type? And that I have bad taste” I do not have any interest in his friend and never have. This friend we have known since high school and he asked me if I tried to get with him back then. I have not and will not and I’m sick of defending myself when really I have done nothing wrong! He creates things in his mind and believes them…He tells me a lot that I and trash and I do not deserve a guy like him and that I deserve someone who would beat me. He tells me that he does not know why he is with me and that he should leave. He has never left and just keeps on saying it. He has told me he is embarrassed of me in public (this was when I was pregnant and I cant get it out of my head because of the way he acts in public) He doesn’t want to hold me or even my hand, he thinks EVERYONE is looking at him and will remember him forever. I am the type of person that minds her own business and doesn’t really care what strangers think about me. He is not. Honestly at this point I do want out of this relationship, but I feel like I am abandoning him. We got married for what I thought were the right reasons but he has told me that he did it because it was the right thing to do because we were pregnant at the time. I do not believe that he is using me to gain citizenship but I do want to help him with this because I think he deserves it. Again he has lived here since he was one, he did not cross the border himself his parents did and he is American he barely found out a few years ago. I don’t know what to do and I feel guilty wanting out of this relationship even though I think he does too. Help. What would any other normal girl do? This is not how I vision my life being at age 22…. Not even close.
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male
reader, Cccc  +, writes (21 October 2010):
 Whow!This is just crazy!And im going to say what you hear Constantly on this forum but NO REALLY! GET OUT...in your case there is just no other way.You can also no be responsible for him and take te abuse also! He has you hooked on self worth-This is typical in abusive relationships.Listen to how he downgrades you on a daily bases making you feel unwanted,unappreciated ! Also you should care what other people think about you "Not in a ugly way" but I think that is kind of a survival mechanism that you developed to deal with the emotional abuse!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2010): Its me the one who who posted...
The response I got from marymomnwife I understand but that makes me sad. He has been here since he was a baby... he is a normal american he is not one who just jumped over and is looking for work. He deserve so much more than that. please understand that before any other comments like this. That is not him. He was an all star football player in highscool and couldnt accept scholarships due to his status. The issues is not that, the issue is he treats me like shit, i just think maybe him not being able to work has alot to do with his unhappiness. please no more comments about his citizenship... i just think he is depressed b/c of it.
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A
female
reader, marymomnwife +, writes (20 October 2010):
you are too nice to him. calling u names ragging on u while ur pregnant downing u n public and u still want him to receive citizinship. id get a divorce and tell him to stand in front of lowes or home depot. they r always looking for guys who can cut grass or build a house
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