A
male
age
41-50,
*ohnny222
writes:[Note: All names are changed for privacy.]My girlfriend, "Jane," wanted to take a break from our relationship, partly because she was weary of my uncertainty about whether I was committed to the relationship.During the break in our relationship, I slept with a married woman, "Nancy". Nancy was not happy with her marriage. Soon after we were together, she filed for divorce. (They had been married 2 years and didn't have children.) I told her that I was not ready to commit to a relationship with her, and that she should not leave her husband based on any assumption of being with me. But she insisted that she wanted to leave her husband anyway, and that being with me had simply been a trigger. I continued to see her off and on, but I felt unsure about the relationship as well as guilty that I had played a role in her leaving her husband.Some months later, Jane wanted to renew our relationship. I was still in love with her. I had explained the situation to Nancy. Well, I started to see Jane again. But Nancy still wanted to be with me, and I still had feelings for her as well. So I was unsure about what to do.This brings the story to the present. I still feel guilty about having been with Nancy while she was married (she is divorced now). I am wondering if it would do anything to "right the wrong" if I were to now stay with Nancy instead of with Jane. My feelings seem to be slightly stronger for Jane, but I feel more of a moral duty to be with Nancy, since I was the trigger for her leaving her husband. Also, while both of them want to be with me, Nancy seems to be more committed, whereas Jane has been with some other men.Any advice appreciated.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, To A New Life +, writes (17 December 2009):
At your age and single; life should be like a buffet, taste a bit of everything, but don't over eat anything. Be honest to all female interested in you, and if you are not ready to commit, they know, and it's their choice. Enjoy life for now that you are young, single and free. A life time of obligations are waiting around the corner for the rest of your life, don't rush it. Good luck and enjoy.
A
female
reader, PRINCESS916 +, writes (14 December 2009):
goodness goodness goodness. some people are very judgemental! lol. i agree with some. i think you need to be single for a while and clear your thoughts that is the only way you can make a good descision. i wouldnt feel guilty for nancy if she didnt cheat with you it would have been with someone else. that was her decsision to make. as far as jane, you two were not in a commited relationship so that wasnt cheating on either part it all boils down to you needing to be single for a while so you can really figure out what you want. i wouldnt have sex with either of them anymore untill you really know what you want.
good luck!
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A
male
reader, Johnny222 +, writes (14 December 2009):
Johnny222 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@anonymous: Thanks for clarifying. I communicated with Nancy clearly beforehand, and told I was going to see Jane again. It was all out in the open, and I had been clear with Nancy that I wasn't ready to commit. But I see your point, and you're right that sleeping with a married woman pretty much makes me a cheater anyway.
As for morality, I agree. My point was that this event was the only time I have done anything like this, and I have felt extremely guilty and remorseful ever since. In the heat of the moment, I worried about what the impact would be, but, alas, Nancy convinced that it would be okay. But I take full responsibility for my mistake.
As for whether Nancy left her husband for me, perhaps you're right. Before we even met, she had told her sister she wasn't happy with the marriage, and before we were together she was telling various friends that she wanted to end the marriage, find a way out, but of course you're right that as it happened, I was the trigger. She insisted that she wanted out of the marriage even if I would never be with her. But from an outside perspective, I guess I look like the immediate cause.
I'm still not sure what you mean about the drama thing. I really don't like the drama, and it's eating me up. I constantly wish I had avoided the drama and kept things simple. At this point my selfish motivation is basically zero. I'm just trying to choose the most moral path forward.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009): after being with the married woman, you started seeing Jane again, while still being with Nancy?? this is cheating isn't it. and kindly remember you were doing the dirty with the MW while she was married to her hb. makes you a cheater doesn't it? you said you are a moral person, yet you had no qualms about having sex with another mans wife. whether you want to admit it, your Nancy girl left her HB FOR YOU. You were the third party and you were embroiled in this affiar. for goodness sake call a spade a spade. you will get more respect that way.
you cannot make a firm decision about who to be with. you love the drama and you string two people along. very selfish behaviour.
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A
male
reader, Johnny222 +, writes (14 December 2009):
Johnny222 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, "anonymous," for your interesting perspective. I did not cheat on Jane while we were in a committed relationship, so what exactly makes me a "cheater"? And what makes me a "drama queen"? My friends used to make fun of me for my lack of drama. I'm boringly even-keeled. But maybe you can explain what you were getting at.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009): please leave Jane alone. she doesn't deserve a "cheater" like you. the moment she gets rid of you the better her life would be. she deserves the best and you are definately not her best. you are just a drama queen.
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A
male
reader, Johnny222 +, writes (14 December 2009):
Johnny222 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, all! A few replies:
@Aunty BimBim: Yes, although I haven't pursued it. Glad you enjoyed the story.
@Nataliemarie: No, I guess I'm not ready for a total commitment yet. Thanks for the advice about taking time to clear my head.
@anonymous: Yes, I agree. I don't know what matters most, but I'm trying to figure that out.
@To a New Life: I agree that I shouldn't be with Nancy out of guilt. But I guess what I meant is that guilt would simply be a contributing factor. I do have feelings for her as well. But I see your point.
And I appreciate your idealism about finding true love. I hope you are right. I once had the feeling you described, but it wasn't reciprocated. I'm not sure whether it's realistic to keep holding out for that, but I'm open.
@rhythmandblues2: I appreciate your no-nonsense approach. I can't pass judgment on whether Nancy had valid reasons for leaving her husband. She insists she did, but I'll never know the whole story.
I agree about it being off limits. She's only the second person I've ever had sex with. I consider myself a moral person and I never imagined this would happen. But it did. (It didn't happen out of guilt---not sure what you meant about that.)
As for self-aggrandizing, well, I'm open to advice and maybe you have a point, but in my conscious experience this had nothing to do with self-aggrandizement. The experience didn't make me feel good about myself---quite the opposite. And my intention is not to "play them off each other". I'm just being honest with them about what my feelings are.
As for the advice about remaining single until I know what love is, I'm not sure whether to take you seriously. How would I assess at what point my understanding of love had deepened enough to warrant getting in a relationship? What if it took sixty years?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009): Morality went out the window when you layed down with a married woman and she used it as an "excuse" to dump her husband. She's a loser, you owe it to yourself to dump her and never look back. You owe it to yourself to never do that again with a married women, learn they are off limits.
Guilt can't make you have sex with another woman when you claim you are in love with another. You don't know love.
You know self aggrandizing behavior and getting a big ego boost from having two women want you at the same time and playing that off each one of them.
Do both of these gals a favor and remain single until you learn that love means "being" a person "worthy" of love by putting the needs of another above your own and put some verbs in your sentences and show a woman you are putting her first and loving her through actions every day.
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A
female
reader, To A New Life +, writes (14 December 2009):
You are a good man with deep virtues, but you are still very young, and sometimes temptation is hard to resist. Don't beat yourself over "Nancy", learn from it, but don't make another mistake by choosing her due to guilt. That mistake will be devastating, and cause much more pain to many more people in the long run. And, do you really want to marry someone who cheated on their husband with you???
It sounds like you, Jane, and Nancy are "not" ready to commit or settle down. "Love" is the greatest gift in life that one can "give" to another. This "gift" is most precious. It should not be given to just any one for any other reasons, other then you wanting to spend the rest of your life with for better or for worse. Love, like respect is earned.
You should enjoy your youth and bachlorhood. Don't settle for settling. One day when you meet that special some one; you'll know. There won't be all this drama nor will there be any uncertainties. You'll just know.
Good luck, and take good care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009): Follow your heart... and you must think about what matters the most. commitment? moral duties? (even though you did point out that 'nancy' shouldnt leave her husband for you!) And although you may have been a trigger, it doesnt necessarily mean that you must deal with the consequences...
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A
female
reader, Nataliemarie +, writes (14 December 2009):
Im going to ask you something- Do you want to COMMIT, with either one? If your 100 percent sure about committing with a woman in general - pick the one that you have stronger feelings for - DO NOT FEEL YOU NEED TO BE WITH SOMEONE FOR MORAL DUTY. I stayed in a past relationship for similar "moral dutie" and I was unhappy and it ended.
You say Nancy seems more committed to you because she hasnt been with other men where as Jane has been with other men. Dude put it this way no matter what Nancy cheated on her husband bottom line. Also, you and Jane were not toghether, so did you expect her to be celibate because you werent around??
Anyways in my opinion you should stay apart from both of them until you clear your head and let some time decide which woman is the right one. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (14 December 2009):
Have you ever considered a career in creative writing?
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