A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Over the past two months my mother has drained me financially and borrowed over $800 from me to pay for bills. I have an issue with it because she's acting as though it's her money, or money that I owe her, while never even saying as much as a thank you. There have even been times when right after I've deposited one of MY checks into her account to save her from late fees and overdraft fees in addition to a bounced check, she'll pick a fight for something incredibly stupid such as getting to the bank too close to closing time. She verbally puts me down on a regular basis and tells me I'm worth nothing and that my life is going nowhere. However, of course, when she's asking me to lend her more money she's the nicest person in the world. I've gotten really, really tired of it.The only reason I've given her anything is because I know if I didn't, the utilities would've most likely been turned off, not to mention I'd never hear the end of it from my relatives. The last time I refused to lend her a large amount of money in lieu of paying one of MY bills, they hounded me about it for days and told me I was selfish and ungrateful. It makes me laugh, because one of them didn't even move out until he was 40 and never gave his parents a cent towards the bills, yet no one says anything about that. It's always me that's the terrible, selfish person. Meanwhile I'm left wondering, why the hell is it up to me to get her out of the trouble she brought on herself? I don't make a lot, and yet I'm expected to help without question. I feel she should be more than able to take care of these things on her own without relying on me and everyone else all the time. I would feel differently about this situation if it wasn't a monthly issue. She regularly borrows money from my uncle as well, and has credit card bills that amount to thousands of dollars. This behavior has continued for years, and even when I was young she would ask to borrow money whenever I was given some for my birthday or a holiday. She's incapable of managing her money and thinks nothing of going out to lunch every day in spite of her debt. Cutting this one thing out alone would save her at least $200 per month, but she doesn't seem to care.It's causing me a lot of stress because my hours at work have been cut and I'm not making as much per month, which means I have less money for food and rent as it is. I've been trying to save up enough since April to pay off my dog's vet bills, but that doesn't seem to matter to her because she continues to earmark my money for various bills she needs help in paying. The money I'd saved for two months was gone in two days. She doesn't even ask, she usually says 'This bill is due today, I need you to pay it for me'. I'm tired of compromising my needs for her, I just don't know how to say it in a way that she won't take personally, because she takes everything personally. She always ends up making me feel guilty and like a terrible person when she doesn't get what she wants, and I want it to stop. I'm tired of being manipulated and used, but it's very difficult for me to say anything about it because she's my mother. How do I make her stop?
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (22 September 2011):
 The Answer from Tisha-1 should be framed. It is relevant pertinent spot-on perfect advice in the circumstances. Priceless in words.And I love the whole concept, as described by Tisha-1 as it will work. Meanwhile get a Post office Private box and get all your mail sent to the Post office box, And do your Banking online at an Internet Cafe. scan your receipts at work and save on a usb stick you keep at work. No Bills and no receipts at home. Drop into the Op shop for clothing. Even if you hang up a couple of good outfits at work. Leave the items/envelopes scattered around at home, as Tisha-1 suggested.5 Stars every word from Tisha-1Thank you
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 September 2011):
 She doesn't even ask, she usually says 'This bill is due today, I need you to pay it for me'. "I don't have the money to pay that bill for you. You will have to ask someone else."
The last time I refused to lend her a large amount of money in lieu of paying one of MY bills, they hounded me about it for days and told me I was selfish and ungrateful. "I don't have the money to give any more. I'm tapped out."
I'm tired of compromising my needs for her, I just don't know how to say it in a way that she won't take personally, because she takes everything personally. "The circumstance is that there's no money to lend you." "The financial situation is that there's no money to lend you."
She always ends up making me feel guilty and like a terrible person when she doesn't get what she wants, and I want it to stop. -You are the one who allows yourself to feel guilty. She just knows which buttons to press. As you're very aware of them, simply turn the buttons off for the time being and tune her out. Don't talk about the money or the bills and don't discuss your financial situation other than to say that you don't have any money to GIVE away. Start asking for money yourself, two or three times a week. When she calls, and you know it's going to be about money, before she even gets to that, jump in and ask her for $330 dollars, or some other specific amount. Not a vague $500 but a very specific amount. Change it up each week. "I could use $72.44 this week, do you mind giving me that? I need the funds."
I'm tired of being manipulated and used, but it's very difficult for me to say anything about it because she's my mother. How do I make her stop? -One thing about this is you have to cut her off cold turkey. You slip up even ONCE and give her some money, all you've taught her is that she just needs to whine enough to get you to fork it over.
Develop selective hearing, a tougher hide and start asking for the cash yourself. Ask your generous uncle too, so it gets back to Mom that you are strapped for cash. Keep asking, don't stop asking for at least 6 months. By then, you should have everyone convinced that you are flat broke. Don't discuss going out to eat or how you spend your money. Tell them that bill collectors have started calling because you haven't been able to pay your bills. Be vague, get upset if they want details. Burst into tears and wail. Basically make yourself the problem. Add up all the money you've given her over the past 3 years and show her the accounting. Tell her you simply can't afford to help her out any longer as you are flat broke. Ask if she could find a way to start repaying you, $25/week as a start, especially as technically she "borrowed" the money in the first place.
Change your bank and make sure she doesn't know your banking details. Keep your credit cards and financial information to yourself. Get brochures from a credit counseling agency and leave them around your house, offer them to her if she is asking for money again. Leave envelopes lying around that have "FINAL NOTICE" and "COLLECTION AGENCY" on them. Build the fantasy.
It's extreme but you sound like you have a problem with being a pushover. If her utilities get shut off, well, um, let them. She would just need to stop eating lunch out for 2 weeks and could then afford to get them back on again. Let her experience the consequences of her own choices, don't try to save her and don't allow yourself to be guilted into saving her. Plead poverty.
Here's a backbone for you: =+=+=+=+=+=+= Go forth and use it. Oh and some earplugs: @ @ They're all yours. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 September 2011):
 You say NO. A big, fat N and O. Let her make you feel guilty. The guilty feeling wont last for long. Then you'll feel better about yourself.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-mother-wants-me-to-buy-my-brother.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-avoid-being-used-financially.html
You just got to say no. Then if your relatives want to take a pick at you don't answer the phone when they call you, or turn a deaf ear to what they are saying. You know you are right. You have to do what you need to do, and your mother is an adult capable of taking responsibility for her own actions. Not to mention she doesn't even appreciate what you do for her. But you know why? Because you let her walk over you. And few people are capable of holding back and not walk over others, of the other person is more than willing to be used and abused. You have to take a stand for this to stop, you can't sit around and wait for your mother to lay restrictions on herself. Few of us are capable of that. Which is why it is YOUR responsibility to make sure that YOU are not being taken advantage of or land in debt yourself because of someone else. Even if it is your mother.
It's a hard lesson to learn, but money... never loan out money that you can not afford to give away. And you can not afford to give money away to your mother. Put your foot down. I know it is hard. I had a good cry over the same thing myself. But it is what it is. And it is NOT your fault that your mother has pushed you to the limit where you have to say NO to her. She has only herself to thank for that.
I understand that you want a good relationship with your mother, but when she doesn't value having a good relationship with you there really isn't anything you can do to make it good. You need to accept that you have done what you can do, and the situation isn't working.
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A
female
reader, terilmicks  +, writes (21 September 2011):
Although it may seem like it, you don't owe your mother anything. She is your mother and we all appreciate that but you have to remember that you also have a life to live. If you keep up this then you will probably work and not make any noticeable milestones in your life. Mothers are the most precious people in most of our lives. while it is a great idea to help her out, do not let it drain you financially. The best way to go about it is to let her know that you will give her say X amount of money per month for her utilities. she should then learn to budget that money accordingly. if she needs to cut on eating out or on something else, it is upto her.But do not feel guilty for not giving all you have worked for to her. the sooner you let her know that you have a life that also needs budgeting, the better. You never know she may be assuming you do not responsibilities and that she is all you need to take care of.A mother's love is very sweet but do not confuse your love for her with exploitation. take a stand.
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