A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband runs a business that has been shut on and off over the last couple of years and potentially will be again. So he's very stressed. Before that he was in a business relationship with a lazy narcissist. He said it was the worst few years of his life. I have been with him through all, barely got to see benefits of my own hard work and earnings as I supported him. I'm tired, I complained about something last week and he blew up at me. I said I didn't feel respected, I felt like the wife who makes all the money and minds his baby. We don't go on holidays or even out for dinner. I get up Monday through Sunday, look after the baby and work (and earn good money) and try do all the housework.He says I don't understand him because if I did I wouldn't complain. He says his wellbeing is priority, and because of how the situation has gone, he has been priority for the last 7+ years. So I'm not allowed be tired and complain? He thinks I'm being controlling when I want him to come home when he say he will while drinking. I just want respect! I think he stays because I'm his cash cow. Am I being selfish for wanting to be somebody's priority once in a while? I feel so unloved
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2021): I don't believe you're selfish at all! You lovingly work to support your family, and keep house; while your husband has the nerve to go-out drinking! Yet he admonishes you for complaining for being underappreciated?!! WOW! He's got some nerve!!!
If he can't see that his marriage is in the balance, tilting towards a divorce; he's either stupid, or a rotten self-centered human being!
Sometimes trying to talk to obstinate people, or conveying your pain to a hard-headed spouse, just isn't possible. There is a strain in communication; and when one person is stronger-willed than the other, compromise and understanding is sometimes nearly impossible.
I guess he has to be issued an ultimatum. He has to know you're tired, pressured, distressed; and on the brink of considering a divorce. He will probably resort to toxic-masculinity, and call your bluff. I suggest you call a divorce attorney, and find-out what your options are. Some employers provide a benefit for discrete family-counseling; and you should also check your healthcare plan for coverage for your own mental health counseling and therapy. See your doctor, if you feel overstressed or depressed. I sense a lot of stress in your post. God bless you, my dear! If you practice faith and worship; you should also turn to prayer, and counseling from your faith ministry. God is there for you too!
Maybe you and the baby might need to go stay with your parents, or a close-relative with enough room; while you sort things out. You don't have to go into a lot of details about your personal-business; just let them know you're looking for some peace, and neutral-ground. Meanwhile, he needs to get a taste of what it feels like without you around. You're not running from responsibility; you're maintaining your sanity, and sending him the message that you can't seem to get a point across without being shutdown, or gaslighted. When at a constant impasse with your spouse, some marriage-counseling helps; if you can afford it. If they won't even consider that; then they've made a divorce the alternative recourse. No need to kill yourself over stupid, stubborn, selfish people!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2021): You sound sensible but slow thinking. Once you know you are a guy's cash cow you know it is best to separate and divorce. Complaining will not get you anywhere , it is obvious he is not able to change and would not want to if he could.
You say he went into business with a lazy narcissist but this should have told you that he is useless at making big decisions and terrible at working out what a person is like.
If he is this awful at deciding who to go into business with the odds are he is crap at business and should be working for someone else, but he clings onto it being his business because of his ego, and it is easy to do that when you make it possible financially. You are paying out a lot of hard earned money to pay for his fantasy of being a successful business man! More fool you. Stop trying to explain to him or talk to him, it is pointless. Actions speak louder than words.
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A
male
reader, DarrellGood  +, writes (4 December 2021):
 No your not being selfish. Relationships are a two way street and once they become anything over than that they are effectively over in any meaningful sense of the word.
Having said that, since there has been no infidelity, I would counsel that maybe you want to at least try to save this. It is something that potentially couples counselling could effectively solve if you are both game. He sounds potentially depressed to be honest and that is also an issue that will need addressing and he will have to do the heavy lifting there and firstly admit he has a problem and go from there.
If you are not then that becomes slightly more complicated but still, firstly, you need to accept your feelings as valid, becuase they are, a partnership has to be just that, but in this case that is not necessarily the end of the story so please at least consider trying to save this for the sake of your child if nothing else. Good luck.
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