A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi I'm 23, and have been with my fiance for 2 and a quarter years, we met in my workplace when I was 20 and she was my first girlfriend, being overweight, and a bit of a reclusive person I had, and still have almost no self esteem.Due to this I never socialised through school with anyone but a few people and never girls, even now I freeze up and get very nervous around girls my age.So I got a job in a bar at 18, and slowly I started to build confidence talking to people and getting to know them, she started working at the same bar and I liked her, but as ever couldn't build up the confidence to talk to her, but a very confident friend I'd made at the pub saw through me and set us up together.He came to me and said she likes me too and I thought to myself, what the hell, I can't stay like this forever, and we went out on a date, an awkward one, but it seems she was shy too and liked me anough to agree to a second date.Things went well, but I knew the big test was coming, I call it a test even though it's not, but losing my virginity had become something I was scared of, and when she asked how I felt about moving things on after the next date I agreed, but in the week leading up I worried and worried, will I perform? What if I'm no good?, she was 6 years older then me and had a lot more experence. The big night came and I made a huge error, I drank, and as you can imagine my first time was a flop.But she was kind, she knew it was my first time and never made fun of me, but for a month and a half it kept happeneing, I even tried viagra. Yet she stayed with me.But just befor my 21st birthday everything went to plan, I felt so good inside, and between july and christmas we enjoyed a healthy sex life.I proposed in november and she agreed, my life seemed brilliant. But on new years eve things took bad again in the bedroom, I flopped again, and although disappointed she shrugged it off as a one off. A week later she found out she was pregnant, we hadn't slept together since new year, 2 weeks later she was bleeding, we still hadn't had sex again, we thought we lost the baby, but had to wait a week, we found the baby was all right and we decided just in case not to have sex a bit longer, I didn't want to risk anything (I was 24 stone at the time, now I'm 22).But as the pregnancy went on, I didn't have the confidence in myself to have sex with the ever growing baby bump there, what if I fell? I was fine with it, we decided to wait till after the baby.The baby was born, and week after week went by and we still hadn't started having sex again, but there was new problems starting to show.Her once kind nature was slowly vanishing, she became very tired, snappy, aggressive towards me, not much at first, but as a year with no sex went by it was starting to be the last thing on my mind..In november last year I agreed to sleep downstairs with the baby (we are in her mothers house and 3 people need sleep for work) on the couch at first then on a roll up bed.By april it had been months since we even shared a bed, when i got my mother to babysit, she wanted to have the bed to herself, and she was asleep by 9pm we had no social life with friends or together.But to my surprise she booked us a cheap weekend in paris, but it was horrific, our double room was 3 single beds, it was 20 hours on a coach to get there, blood on the sheets, and when it came to the big night i was as nervous as my first time again, this time with no drink.I knew what I was doing a bit better now though, there weas more foreplay etc, but when it came to penetration disaster, I couldnt keep it up.I could have cried then and there, we got back to england, and things went on the same, me downstairs, but now shes getting more and more aggresive, and I'm realising that I'm so clingy, but all I want is a hug and a kiss at some time, something to make us feel like a couple and not housemates...We now argue all the time, yet when the baby is away for a night she cheers up a bit, though we still sleep apart, but shes also started to make digs about what happened in paris, and how i should treat her out.Yet she still goes to bed at 9pm, and won't actually leave the house, Over the last year my money problems have also worsened and the stress of life feels like it's going to crush me.I refuse to leave her, she has to have some feelings for me or she would have moved on long ago, but I sit typing this like it's my life story just to get it off my chest, I've got a family of my own yet I've never felt so lonley....
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2008): i don't really have any real advice since i'm inexperienced with marriage and children, (still in college) but i came across your question and just wanted to say how sad it made me inside. you sound like a really good person, and i dont have to know you to tell you that you deserve better. but some of the things you wrote made you seem like a "pleaser," but maybe you are just that full of love...either way, maybe it's time to get a little selfish and realize that you deserve love in return, and more importantly, happiness. good luck in whatever you decide. i'm sure having a child makes it all the more complicated. i'm not suggesting you leave her, but i just hope the two of you realize that two happy homes with one happy parent in each (as long as the child sees both very frequently)will always be better than one home full of misery for his or her childhood. i am now 21, and have listened to my mother threaten to divorce my father since i was 10 years old and now i can't even go home to spend a weekend with them without misery and balling my eyes out from frustration.
and just so you know, there is no "size" for love.
A
female
reader, velvetluv21  +, writes (27 August 2008):
Oh boy have I got some answers for you. one the lack of errection may be from the weight. Overweight people are more likely to have circulation problems and you need that blood to be at attention. As for the way she treats you, there is something wrong and she isn't telling you. I have a 6 month old and all my boyfriend and i fight about is how I treat him like shit. I do so because we have no money b/c I work full time to pay his debts that are in my name and he doesn't work for various stupid reasons. Taking care of a baby is very stressfull especially if you aren't living in an ideal situation. We also live in my parents house. The lack of having my own rules and space wears on me and is very fustrating. I get up in the middle of the night all the time so it is nice you do that for her. She is tired and overwhelmed with life. It may have something to do directly with you or not. It may be life or it may be your lack of communication. She may not know you want a hug. My BF said he wanted more attention, I have no problem with that but don't hang out with your friends all night and give me an attitude and expect me to be all happy you are home. i don't know if this is your situation but for future reference, don't ever act like you watching that baby is doing her a favor. This is your kid too. Moms today think they need to do it all but it is impossible so pitch in with the stuff she always does. Wether it be dishes or laundry. Don't expect miracles but it will help. Also, dont' underestimate the power of money. if you are a contributing factor as to why you don't have money, that will make any relationship bust.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (27 August 2008):
 I think you should invest in seeing a doctor who can maybe pinpoint what the issue could be in the sex department. It could be stress or preformance stress but it could also be a medical issue. I think she is getting frustrated as this isn't exactally the way a marriage should work out.
You aren't communicating about the elephant in the room-sex and notably, sexual performance. A healthy discussion needs to occur and you need to get all the issues out and on the table. She is also stressing because of this and it will only help you both along to get things out in the open.
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