A
female
age
41-50,
*onfussedWife
writes:Hello Everyone!! This is my first time posting due to some confussing events I witness today. Well I am a 35 yr old women married w two girls 7 and 3. I've been with my husband for 12 years and married for 2.5 years.. I as a women know that he goes to certain xxx sites. That really doesn't bother me, while looking through his phone I found out that he went to this other site looking for casual sex. He doesn't have a log on to that site, so he hasnt contacted anyone or vise versa.. I dont know if I should confront him about it. I really want to because I feel very hurt, I dont think there is any reason for him to look through that site. I know that we have our ups and downs but we get through it and talk it out. He works very hard and I appreciate everything that he does for his family. At the moment I am a stay at home raising our children, have a hot meal on the table for him, clean house, school work etc, etc,.. I am sorry that I dont have my legs open like a 24 hour bodega store for whenever he wants it.. I as well am tired or not feeling well to always be intimate. I have talked to him about our relationship because I feel that we are not on the same page and we are drifting apart and he has said that we are OK and he loves me.. I love him too but like I said I feel very betrayed by my husband and dont know what to do!! Please any input would help and thanks so much.. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (17 October 2012):
 Trust is easily broken and rarely healed. Maybe a new life will help the two of you.
A
female
reader, kellyO  +, writes (17 October 2012):
 Yes dear I would confront him. Try to find out why he went to this website. Make him come clean with you because is better to know whether or not you really have issues. He says you are ok but this is not a good sign. trust your intuitions as no one knows the situation better than you. Even if he hasn't actually cheated yet the intentions are there which is a worry.If you both still love each other then you might need to seek counselling.
All the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2012): You said you're drifting apart but he says things are ok. That just means he isn't emotionally invested in the relationship with you even though he is personally invested in his role of being a good provider and family man. Men get judged on how well they provide for their dependents. Having a spouse and kids is a status symbol for men because it shows they are good Providers and that at least one woman had sex with him. That's why men don't want to give up the marriage and the lifestyle of being part of a married couple. Guilt can also play into it if the wife is completely financially dependent on him he feels it would be cruel to leave her since she needs him to be her provider. In short there's lots of reasons men stay in marriages when they are drifting apart from their wives. And a consequence of this kind of marriage is cheating or the husband looking to get his needs filled. He figures he is already doing his duty of providing for the family he is entitled to get something back.The relationship would have been easier to salvage before it got to this stage where now you have hurt and anger on top of it. I would suggest you devise for yourself if you can live in this marriage knowing he is probably going to cheat or has yet is a loyal dependable provided and daily life partner. We cant have everything we want. If you aren't willing to divorce him over this then you don't really have any healthy options if he continues to do this. I mean there are options like turning toxic to get revenge on him for betraying you but that's no good and wont make things better.In other words you should first decide if you are willing to divorce him over this. If yes then you can ask him to stop. If no then you are just going to have to learn to accept it and try to focus on the good things he does do for you and be happy with that.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 October 2012):
 I know you feel horrible, and I'm sorry that what you found caused such pain to you. It would be a shock to any wife's system to be confronted with the evidence of a spouse's consideration of cheating. You say he's not contacted anyone on there or made a page, so that's good. He hasn't acted on what he's seen.
He has not *yet* betrayed you. He's standing on the precipice, looking down from the top of the cliff. This is a symptom of something needing fixing in your marriage. The marriage hasn't gone off the cliff *yet*. I know you think that just his considering the site feels like a betrayal, but he hasn't given into the temptation yet.
You have an opportunity to stop this before it's destroyed! It's not too late! You should confront him with what you saw and tell him that you think that both of you need to make this marriage better. All marriages benefit from a "tune-up" when people start getting distant from each other. Like rust on a car, corrosion can happen in a marriage when boredom, routine, hardship, anything happens! He *does* love you. He is simply being tempted. He's read the menu, but he hasn't ordered food from the restaurant.
You can turn this into an opportunity to face the corrosion head on, fix the issues that need fixing, and work together to re-energize the marriage. A counselor can work wonders at this stage before it's too late.
He does love you. To a guy, casual anonymous sex is only about biological ejaculation and not a rejection of what they have. Trust me, it's still cheating, and I *hate* cheating and give absolutely no excuse for those who devastate their partners. But he isn't there yet, and he needs your help to pull him back from the brink.
You have the power to bring things to crisis, which will cleanse out the apathy and focus the love for each other that both of you still possess. One thing's for certain -- you can't go on as you are. The symptoms are there. The "check engine" light just came on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2012): Some sites have other sites pop up when you click on videos, or go to other pages and such, if its just the home page on his phone it may have been a pop up? That of course would be nice if it were the case but I definitely wouldn't count on that.
Now that you know this you should ask for an explanation, you shouldn't have snooped but regardless what he might be looking for is much worse and disrespectful to you.
I know you have tried to communicate with him which is good, but he needs to listen and communicate as well, and not just brush those things off with simple answers.
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