A
male
age
41-50,
*Y
writes:My marriage is suffering due to some recent goings on...My wife has been working on a massage course for a while now and I totally understood what the course entailed when she started it.One day, after going to a massage open day, where she was massaged herself by a trainee, she comes home and doesn't mention how it all went or whether she learnt anything new, but instead, makes a phone call to a couple (friends of ours) and asked the woman if her husband(a guy I know)would like to be one of her 'case studies' (bearing in mind that this is the first case study she has organised)and the woman asked her husband and he said "yes"...Of course he did!I overheard this and had not been told that she would be doing it, prior to her making the phone call.After she put the phone down, I asked her why she hadn't mentioned it and why the first port of call was this guy I know, but she couldn't see why she should have told me. I pointed out that she's married and should inform her husband about ANY events which involve touching another man professionally/not, especially with it being someone I know.She still failed to see my point and an argument started.The next day, I finish work and return home only for my wife to say that she talked with the couple regarding how I felt about the whole situation. I couldn't believe she had taken my feelings to the other couple and discussed them together! That started another argument. Not finished yet.. The day after that, we were due to have a meal with these friends of ours and that day, my wife asks me if I still want to go? I said " You really think I want to go and have a meal with them after you putting me in this situation?"Anyway, I stayed at home and she went for the meal, which left me feeling alienated from the friends and my wife!2 days later, after me constantly trying to find out why she's done all this, she says we need a break, takes my daughter and heads off to her parent's house for a week where she tells everyone there as well as all her friends that I also know, alienating me even further!I felt betrayed and disgusted with my wife for putting me in this situation. does anyone else agree with this?
View related questions:
a break Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2009): She is going off her head - or something is really was up and she is trying to coverup by puuting the blame on you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2009): Sometimes its not what you say, but how you say it. And from what you wrote here (and her subsequent reactions) it seems you came at your wife very patronizing, as if you were scolding your daughter instead of respectfully conveying your feelings to your wife, your equal, your partner in life. And then instead of making things better by calming down and acting like a rational adult and having dinner with her and your friends, you chose to elevate it to another level of childishness by pouting and stamping off and working yourself up into a funk home alone. You don't even know if maybe your friends would have sided with you in this disagreement, because you felt so insulted you wouldn't even have dinner with them.Look, your wife didn't come to you and run this by you first, and that upset you. Fine, I get it. Maybe she would have gotten it to if you had spoken to her like an adult. But let's also think here: she didn't make this call in secret, she made it right in front of you. She hid nothing. Its not like you found out about this from a third-party, you found out from her, albeit not in the way you would like. And let me add, if I were your friends, I'd be pissed at you too. Not because of anything your wife said, but because of what you're implying about your wife and them by your own words and actions. Do you think so little of the husband that he's not trustworthy around your wife? Do you think your friend's wife is so dumb or maybe just freaky that she's ok with her husband screwing your wife? Because whether or not you meant it that way, that's the way its come across.Honestly, the fact is you can be right or you can be married. I'm not saying that your point of view is wrong, I'm saying you went about it in the wrong way. And if you would rather be happy and married as opposed to being miserable, alone but right, then you should call your wife, apologize and if she comes back home then have an adult-like conversation saying something more like, "Honey, I would prefer that you run things by me first" as opposed to "you should inform her husband about ANY events which involve touching another man". Because I have to tell you, the latter would automatically make anybody go on the defensive instead of hearing your point of view.And while you're at it, you should apologize to your friends as well for that temper tantrum you threw. You're a grown man, you have to know there are other ways of handling things.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2009): sometimes a few choice words are only meant for our wife's or husband's ear. it means i am upset at what you did or said, but i do not want the entire world or just friends or family to know what i have said. these choice words are better left between hubby and wife.
(let us all think back when we are upset at our partners - don't we have our say the moment the guests leave, or we leave friends, or even family. )
one silly, silly example is a few months back my best friend and her hubby visited us, we were relaxing in our entertainment area, laughing and joking for a few hours.
when we were preparing for bed that night my hubby commented, didn't you check how you were sitting, your skirt was right up , showing your thighs (or so he thought), these choice words were for my ears only. next time they visited i ensured that my skirt and thighs were "safe". silly incident but he felt strongly about this and commented. although i though he had over reacted, i noted his words.
...............................
A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (17 April 2009):
 I have obviously been regarded as a one sided person on this but personally your wife taking your daughter out of a hostile environment where no talking is going on between the two of you is the most sensible thing here.
Do you think it is right for her to witness all the animosity and yes it does come down to your insecurities. Perhaps your wife should have time to talk to you - but as history goes does she know what your reaction is going to be so she took the bull by the horns instead and approached this friend.
One comment was correct, you don't know what reaction has come back from these friend's and she had to say something to her parents as she was obviously upset when she went to see them. The whole meal scenario could have been handled better or perhaps your wife should have invited them to yours to discuss it but by not going you will NEVER know how they reacted.
Talking to your wife is better than staying silent and perhaps reaching a compromise would be the best way forward. By talking calmly and not getting into an argument there is always a way forward from this, but it takes two not just one party. Go to somewhere on your own with her and leave your daughter at her grandparents, even if it is a drink of coffee or a pub so you are both on neutral ground and if you are in a public place neither one of you would want a shouting match.
Wish you luck anyway.
BFN
Country Woman
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2009): Look, I understand where you are coming from. But legally, she is not allowed to treat her job with the sexuality you instinctively attribute to it.
Maybe massages do have a inherent sexual context, but only if you choose to see it.
Maybe she should have tried to ease your jealousy a little instead of reacting as she did, but I understand why she did. In her eyes, and mine, you are over-reacting, allowing your ego and own jealousy to over-ride her rights to be an individual, even if you two are together.
You knew she was going to study as a masseuse when you married her. You knew that a good deal of her clientele and study subjects were going to be male. Why onyl speak up now because you didn't consider these things when you were in the honeymoon stage of the relationship?
You need to let it go. Even if she got a friend or some random woman for a case subject, how would it be any less sexual to you? If you look at it in a different light or from another angle, a woman massaging another woman, especially if they are attractive, is almost to sexual to bare.
Perhaps she felt she already was on track with female massage techniques and needed to bost her male ones and this man was simply a good sport and she felt comfortable enough asking him to assist her?
Or is this jealousy really because you, and not she, have trouble seperating the medicinal and sexual components of her work?
Go to her, apologise sincerely, and tell her you were just feeling jealous because you sometimes have a hard time imagining her hands all over some sweaty muscle-bound guy or sexy-as woman.
That shows her you fears and also an understanding that you know you were on the wrong side of this fight. Tell her you will try harder to let those feelings go and ask for just a little patience because you can't do it without her.
Flynn 24
...............................
A
male
reader, RY +, writes (16 April 2009):
RY is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI should also point out that this was the first case study that she organised and it was a male. She had told me previously that she only requires one male case study and nowhere in the paperwork does it stipulate the neccessity for 2 males. Why would she not have contacted all her girl friends to see if they would be willing to do it first? Why instantly find out if he wants one...I've asked her this and she says she doesn't know!!
...............................
A
female
reader, Trish123 +, writes (16 April 2009):
 No way... I totally understand where you're coming from. It's horrible to think about the person you love touching anyone else for any reason... regardless of whether it's a case study or not. Reading this makes me really angry. Imagine how fucked off she would be if you had gone swimming with a female colleague from work without mentioning it first.
it's not like you would have said no if she had spoken to you about it, but more that she didn't consider talking to you about it and made you feel left out and the last person to know about it... PLUS then telling everyone about it.... I feel your pain.... I can't offer any advice but do take solice in the fact that I totally know how you feel and you're completely within your right to feel frustrated, hurt and humiliated by the whole thing. I don't think she's been at all considerate to your feelings. Regardless of whether she thinks you're over reacting or not... the point is... you were upset with it so she should at least try and see it from your point of view.
...............................
A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (16 April 2009):
Sorry to say that I don't actually agree with you, this is a male ego/ownership of wife situation and not a husband understanding what his wife's new profession entailed, even though you said you did.
I can understand why she reacted the way she did.
Look at the facts first of all.
She had made a call to a couple you knew and spoke with the wife first of all to see if she would mind and then whether the husband minded being her case study for her course. At this point, why did she need to get your permission? They were mutual friend's of yours and she obviously felt that this was not a problem as they were a couple you could trust and who she felt comfortable asking.
The fact that you bring up she hadn't told you. i.e. she needed to run it by you first before acting on her own initiative, (that bit totally undermines her, in my opinion). Again sounds like she needed to ask your permission again.
You then go on to say 'I pointed out that she's married and should inform her husband about ANY events which involve touching another man professionally/not, especially with it being someone I know'. Totally overacting on your part here, your wife not being able to do something that is related to her new career and this reeks of mistrust for your wife and this man, who in your own words - were mutual friends.
She then obviously thought I need to run this by the other couple as YOU were not comfortable about it so she was being open and honest with them, you again didn't like the fact that she had said about your reaction.
So instead she then offers the fact of the planned meal and getting everything out in the open and unfortunately you have thrown your dummy out of the cot and said 'You really think I want to go and have a meal with them after you putting me in this situation?"
The point is she hadn't put YOU in any type of situation - it was quite the reverse, you had undermined her initiative, blown her confidence from actually trying to put her skills to practice with someone she trusted and YOU KNEW, plus she had asked the wife first of all. How much more could she have done to keep things UPFRONT and OPEN.
So instead of being a man and talking it through with this couple you stay at home sulking and not going along as you would have been too embarassed and that unfortunately is the crux of the matter.
NO ONE has alienated you about from YOURSELF - I really don't understand why men tend to go to their caves and never talk things through. I don't blame your wife for going to her parents, it gets your daughter out of a hostile atmosphere and it plainly obvious that you are the one who feels like the victim in all of this.
To replay the whole thing over, why didn't you ask her how things had gone at the 'OPEN DAY', she was obviously fired up and wanted to put a plan of action in to place. She had felt that she was well within her rights as an individual and someone who thought her husband could trust to make up her own mind.
You could have just said, sweetheart, I didn't know you were going to have case studies, it would have been nice to be pre-warned. However, this couple we trust should be ideal as we have known them for some time and maybe we can talk it through when we go for a meal with them. None of that happened and you wonder why your wife has gone off.
If I was her I would have felt the victim and I would have been disgusted with YOU. You have undermined her and plainly you do not trust either your wife or your so called friend. You obviously don't rate him and his wife as mutual friend's or you wouldn't have over-reacted in this way.
I think the whole thing is that people jump to conclusions when the word MASSAGE is mentioned and that is YOUR insecurities and obviously not your wives, had you been heckled in any way or mentioned it to anyone and they joked with you previously to all of this happening.
I think you need to consider the events here and decide whether you are COMFORTABLE with your wifes new possible profession or not as it seems the latter to me and it needs to be something you either deal with now or it could well be the stuff that unglues you as a couple. Don't ignore it, deal with it instead and talk openly about it, be a man and either ring up the couple or better still go and see them and explain why you had reacted the way you did. If you deal with it now instead of leaving it for months, you could end up losing this couple as friend's and more importantly your wife for the mistrust issues that are obviously in your head.
The whole tone of your question is very very hostile and YOU being the injured party.
If I thought for one second your wife was out of line I would honestly say so but on this occasion I can totally see where she is coming from.
You either LOVE your wife and TRUST her or you don't. Yes there are cases of masseurs not actually massaging men but if everything is kept open and professional it can also be a very therapeutic remedy to many people, female and male who suffer with back, neck and other problems.
I know I have osteoarthritis in my spine and arthritis in my neck and two of the ladies who have massaged me when my muscles have gone into spasm have often said about the regular men who go to them for massages, it is a way of de-stressing if they have a very demanding job or for sports injuries or general arthritic pain. They have also said that they massage the men's wives as well so I think you need to think long and hard about why you are having a problem dealing with all of this, is it your wife you mistrust or any man who she may massage in the future?
You may not like what I have said and that is fine but I have tried to look at this in a third party light and non judgemental way. I have gone through a lot of counselling with my ex when we had our break up of almost 20 years so before you get to that stage, try and resolve the issues now before it is too late.
Keep us posted eh!
BFN
Country Woman
...............................
|
