A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I dont know how to explain this. I dont know if it's my fault...on the 7th July I went to wales, after work, and i got there about 11pm...so after working all day i was tired ect. I was going to see my friend...my best friend...who had told me he was depressed and just wanted some company, I live in Manchester so thats 4 hours on the train. I got there, set up the games console he wanted to play, i settled down on teh couch and told him i wanted to go sleep. So i went to bed, he wanted to join me so we could talk, like always...this is complicated...and hard to write.When we met in year 10, two, nearly three, years ago, we were the bst of friends then he moved to wales. he used to talk every night o the phone, until we both got into relationships of our own and work. When we were both single, i wanted him he didn't want me...we only remained friends. So i went down thinking things owuld be ok. I asked my fiancee if he wanted me to stay to let me know, but he said he wanted me to clear my head and see my friend so i did...we were chatting like we did on the phone, we used to chat lke that, every night, both lay on our own beds on the phone and it was the same, all i can smell is the flat, everything i smell on me now. he said "aww we should wrestle, like we always said we would, ill win you" and i was like "i'm too tired, tomorrow maybe, so then ill definatly win you" he said "now, i want to now" grabbed my hands and imprinted his nails, i told him that hurt and not to do it, he said sorry. He said i had pretty eyes, he always liked them. He leant to kiss me, and i used my hands which he had prssure on to push him back, he tried again and i turned away, i turned away and he started kissing my neck i told him to fuck off and tried shaking him off me he said he knew i liked that, he knew it turned me on. i told him, "nothing you do can turn me on, i dont see you like that" he was only in his boxers (he sleeps in boxers) and leant more down onto me, i was crying, tears screaming from my eyes, i was too weak.i was trying and trying [moderator note: I have edited out some specific details here, in the interest of privacy and respect. Essentially, she said no, he forced her, and hurt her.]It hurt me so much, he stopped, got up and went to bed in his front room. I lay there, it was 4am at this point, i lay there, curled up, crying. At 7am i texted my fiancee, i told him half of it, my 'friend was listening in'. I dont understand why this happened. I told my friend my fiancee knew, he said my fiancee didn't love me nor wanted me. I spat in his face and walked away. I had no money for extra train tickets mine were booked and i was trapped there for daysI think its my faultand idk why i wrote thismayeb someone can give me answersto help myself.im not telling the police, evidence has been washed long away. I'm just beomcing withdrawn, i wanna always sleep in scared of the phone.Its not put a strain on my relationship, my fiancee knows everything, hes noticed, im touchy, im withdrawn, hes there for me and i love himi just feel disgustingare there any advisers who can give me self help advice?
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (25 July 2008):
 Wow, this has just been an amazing and sad story. You realize that you're putting off the inevitable? That you do need counseling and support from a therapist? If you've had to quit your job, then it has affected you greatly.
One other thing. If he is constantly phoning you, are you keeping a diary of when he calls? If your dad knows, then he can keep track of this for you. It could help your case should you ever need to prove anything.
So keep on with your recovery, but you do need to take that next step. Please actually phone the crisis hotline and see what your options are.
The behavior this man is displaying may work in your behalf if you need to challenge him legally. But you need to start documenting it. And your dad and your fiance can help now. If you're starting to feel better, I'm so happy for you. But don't forget that counselling is usually a great idea for any victim of the assault you suffered. It just doesn't go away without some help.
Thank you so much for your followup, now please do take the next step. Have you shown your fiancee and your father this page? It may help them help you.
Sometimes self help isn't enough. Sometimes you really need to seek help from a professional. It doesn't mean you have to report him and go through all the legal system. It DOES mean that you can ask for help to get you through this. If you've had to quit your job, then you're not coping well... Remember, again, there's a huge difference between reporting him and getting the psychological support you need right now. Two different things. One involves the police, the other involves your mental-wellbeing. I can see why you'd want to wait on the police; but you don't need to wait on the counselling.
Take good care of you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2008): Hi babes,
Your story has touched so many people, thanks for coming to us. You probably don't know that there are many people in your situation that have read your story and it made them feel strong. Thank you for telling us all about it. I'm so angry on your behalf, I've got tears in my eyes. NOBODY EVER DESERVES TO BE TREATED LIKE THIS... It's just not fair.
You've been very brave, you told your partner, you told your father and you told us. So many women keep this type of thing secret and therefore people don't realise how much this type of thing happens all the time.
I didn't want you just to look at the website, I wanted you to talk to somebody over the phone. We can only help so much, but it's different talking to in writing, than talking to you on the phone. Please call the rape crisis people, talk to people on the phone. I promise it will help you get through this. Your father, your partner and us can only do so much, but none of us know what your going through, but these people do.
You've been so very brave. Your father and partner love you and the hurt that somebody has caused you pain. He may be clever, but your more clever. You posted to us and told us, that can be submitted as evidence in court. You told your partner right away, again he will give evidence to support you. What has that guy got, some fancy words. Who will support his version of the story... NOBODY...
Don't be frightened of him, he is nothing. He has to rape somebody to make him feel like a man. He speaks fancy words, well you'll get a lawyer. You have us, you have your father, you have your partner, and we're willing to support you all the way.
You must do what you want to... But we all care about you and wish you well. Don't let this man destroy your life, don't give him the satisfaction.... But courts and police are unimportant. Of course we'd like him to go to jail, of course we're frightened that he will do this again, but stuff that, all that matters is you, how your feeling and what will make you feel good and smile again.
Thanks for the update, think about giving them people a call. Your father must be very, very proud of you and I for one a pleased that you have your father and your partner for support.
Take one day at a time, and remember, you are the most important person here. Whatever you decide to do, is the best thing for you. Work or don't work, tell or don't tell, who cares, life is long. You've had your life destroyed and it will take a little time to get your strength back. You have been in my thoughts, and now I've heard from you again, I'm a little less worried. Thanks for the update, thanks for telling us your story. I wish you happiness, and I hope that one day this thing will disappear untill not even a memory remains. Good luck, blessings.... I'm so sorry that your friend done you so wrong.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi its me again.
I'm starting to feel better, hes been trying to constantly call me. My dad noticed something was wrong and I told him about it. He told me things would be ok, he saww my reacting to the phone ringing and suggested that, once im ready, we look into getting councelling. Which when im ready i will do. My fiance has been amazing he's coping so well, im proud of him.
Unfortunatly I quit my job, i tried the first week, covered it up and used it to take my mind of things, but the minute i stepped outside i thought of it more. So i quit.
I took a look on the webstie of Rape Crisis (thanks for that btw) and it confirms my fears, it would be my word against his and, hes a smart guy hes brilliant with words and hes studied law....in a court they'd see that as a law student against an unemployed girl, it would be a long case and I have enough things going on, I couldn't cope with that. I'm already on the edge.
I want to thanks the agony aunts and uncles on this site, your all a help x
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A
female
reader, Midge +, writes (17 July 2008):
 As a victim of rape at age 15 I can tell you now that there is a lot more to come I'm afraid.
The first part of being a victim of rape is the feeling of questioning yourself. "Did I lead him on", "did I say something that he might of taken the wrong way" etc etc. I know, I did this for about 4 years.
The first thing you need to do is understand that this was not your fault. Even if you sat in front of him stark staring naked and you said NO, he should have taken it as NO! Hence the saying No means NO! You said no, hence this is rape!
Your fiancee may be there with you supporting you, but this does not sort out the ultimate problem that you have hear. This is a crime. Whether or not you decide to press charges against him, this is still a crime!
I work with a rape crisis centre that councils victims of rape when the rape has long passed and they are too scared to go to the police. I am the first to admit that I feel the system in this country has numerous faults however if this only happened on the 7th of July, you'd be surprised what evidence the police could still find. If he hasnt washed his bed linen etc, there is plenty evidence just there.
No-one can make you go to the police, that is something you have to decide to do. But friend or not, you dont need friends like that.
Personally I feel that in order to heal from a rape, and a vicious rape like this, and a supposed friend, you need to deal with the emotional issues. Like the fact that you are feeling so little of yourself just now. You feel like this because someone has just taken a large part of yourself away from you in the blink of an eye! He has taken your trust away. Your fiancee will be able to notice an immediate change in you because you will start getting into a deeper state of reclusion. You will stay away from friends, family and eventually work. All that because your trust was betrayed by someone that you trusted with your life. I know because I was raped by my family doctor. I went through the motions and that is why I now work for this rape crisis group.
So many people dont go to the police and tell them what has happened. Some because they are ashamed of what has happened, others because it was a "friend" or someone they trusted. At the end of the day, they said NO and these peopl need to learn the definition. If you dont speak out for his next victim, who will?
Think long and hard about going to the police. There are a lot of pro's and con's to doing it, but you have to think about what will make you feel better. Him spending a couple years behind bars for thinking with his wrong head, or you thinking that this guy is out there able to do it to someone else.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008): It's not your fault honey. You've done nothing wrong. Please don't feel bad, don't feel ashamed. Your a good woman, you tried to help a friend and he attacked you instead. The moderator has edited your post, they want to hide your pain and allow you to keep your privacy. I'm so, so sorry. I'm so sorry you hurt. Please believe me when I say, YOU'VE DONE NOTHING WRONG. Your as clean as driven snow, your beautiful, your partner understands. Please believe me when I say he hurts for you too. Lift your head up high, you helped a friend, and he turned into a savage, evil PIG. I hate him for what he did too you, I want him hurt badly. I want him dead.
It's ok if you don't want to tell the police, it's ok. You do whatever you want to do. Everything will be ok. Please contact http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/ they have trained professionals, they are the experts, they know how to help with this type of thing. You can talk to other women there that have been through exactly the same type of thing.
YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. Please don't feel bad, your beautiful. You did nothing wrong except try to be a friend to a nasty, violent, ugly piece of shit.
Don't worry honey, we're all here, we support you, we want you to get strong again, we want you to smile. Contact those people today, I promise they will help. We're here whenever you need someone to talk to. Take care of you. Big, big Hugs. May our blessings and kind thoughts protect you and always keep you safe. I'm so very sorry.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008): It's not your fault honey. You've done nothing wrong. Please don't feel bad, don't feel ashamed. Your a good woman, you tried to help a friend and he attacked you instead. The moderator has edited your post, they want to hide your pain and allow you to keep your privacy. I'm so, so sorry. I'm so sorry you hurt. Please believe me when I say, YOU'VE DONE NOTHING WRONG. Your as clean as driven snow, your beautiful, your partner understands. Please believe me when I say he hurts for you too. Lift your head up high, you helped a friend, and he turned into a savage, evil PIG. I hate him for what he did too you, I want him hurt badly. I want him dead.
It's ok if you don't want to tell the police, it's ok. You do whatever you want to do. Everything will be ok. Please contact http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/ they have trained professionals, they are the experts, they know how to help with this type of thing. You can talk to other women there that have been through exactly the same type of thing.
YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. Please don't feel bad, your beautiful. You did nothing wrong except try to be a friend to a nasty, violent, ugly piece of shit.
Don't worry honey, we're all here, we support you, we want you to get strong again, we want you to smile. Contact those people today, I promise they will help. We're here whenever you need someone to talk to. Take care of you. Big, big Hugs. May our blessings and kind thoughts protect you and always keep you safe. I'm so very sorry.
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A
female
reader, PsyCookie +, writes (17 July 2008):
 If he raped you, you have to report him. And fast. Please go do this now.
I wish I lived in the U.K. so I could help you more with the laws in the country, but I did some research and found this website:
http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/
Please click in it. The website specifically helps those who have been raped and need help. On the left side there will be a column. Click on laws. It will lead you to a page where it tells you how to report a person, gives you a basic understanding of the law, and the procedures you will have to take.
But the most important thing you have to remember here is that it wasn't your fault. You're an innocent victim who couldn't do more. It's not your fault he did that to you. It's not your fault he forced himself in you. You fought him the best you could, but it's not your fault. It's HIS fault. And because it's his fault, he has to be punished.
Report him please. The website I gave you will tell you how to do it and also places where you can seek further help.
I wish the best for you dear. Please don't hesitate on reporting him because what he did was just TERRIBLE. He's not your friend, he's a monster for doing what he did.
Good luck and I hope that everything gets better for you. Please keep us updated
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008): Did he end up raping you?! Because if he did thats a serious issue.
And your writing this because your depressed, you don't know what else to do and you need help.
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