A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi! I have read your responses to other questions and was wondering if you could help me. I am with a girl who is perfect for me and who makes me feel like nothing else on earth. Things are going great. We have okay sex not mind blowing but as you rightly state in other answers sex is part of a relationship not the be all and end all. When I try to initiate oral, going down on her, new positions etc. I am rebuffed. She orgasms occasionally although mostly through fingering. I was happy with this as I thought she wasn't particularly liberated and didnt want her to do anything she wasnt comfortable with.But here is the crux and the bit I am deeply ashamed of, she left her email logged on and I read messages between her and an ex (sent long before we started going out) - the snooping is unacceptable and I am appalled at what I have done - so please don't lecture me on it as you cant make me feel worse. But I can't get the emails out of my head. They were filled with so much more longing than she has ever expressed with me - now this was with a transatlantic relationship where they saw each other only over the holidays - whereas I see my girl every weekend and once a weeknight if possible. But I find it hurtful that she fantasised about sucking his cock and having his tongue run over her clit when she rebuffs me.Now I know she wants to be with me and sex is only a component of a relationship. But I feel as though she views me as Mr Safety in comparison to her turbocharged ex and is either holding back as I suspect she knows I want to marry her and she is behaving like a demure wife should behave.I can't talk to her about it because I can't betray my snooping (weak I know). She does want me...it just seems I'm not her passionate boy, I am the dependable one...male ego means I need to be both to her.Please help this has killed my libido.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2012): I agree, it sounds like you are Mr. Safety and the other guy was Mr. Passion.
The feelings you are wrestling with are not "male ego" so much as self respect and self esteem. Men usually get crap for admitting these feelings when it causes relationship trouble, but that is not playing fair IMHO. I can't think of any women I know who would feel very pleased about being the partner in your shoes either. Feeling bad about being second best to an ex lover is not "male" problem, it's a normal human thing and nobody is thrilled about it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2012): The content of the emails is perhaps just words, to keep him interested,fantasy talk. They were long distance and as the song says, words are all they have.In fact when they actually met up you don't know what they did. It can't have been that amazing because they split up.
Sex isnt the be all end all in a relationship, but it is a big part of it, how you show your love,get close, and satisfy your animal urges. You aren't even living with her so I would be expecting 'honeymoon' type weekends when you do get together.
If your not 'feeling' that she wants you, don't want to be Mr Safety with boring unpassionate sex.... well you know what to do, talk and sort or walk.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (8 January 2012):
 Glad you feel so bad about the snooping. It just never comes to a happy ending. Now, moving on from that, why shouldn't the sex be fantastic in a relationship. If it's 'right' it would be fantastic. Sex and intimacy go hand in hand in a relationship, and are a big part in it also. She sounds as though she is only going through the motions. And you want more than that, don't you? Why wouldn't you want your girl to feel passionate toward you. You will have trouble staying interested in her, I believe if you continue. Might be time to move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2012): U are overeacting to this and yes u should not have been snooping as u have proven u r untrustworthy. U mention this ex was a long distance relationship that she seen him on occasion. U say u see her daily. Let me tell u mate, that when I don't see or have my boyfriend around for weeks then we hook up, watch out the sex is mind-blowing.
There is also something about having a long distance relationship that makes it easier for u to do and say more as u know ur not going to see that person that night and have to carry out all the stuff u said u would do. On the contrary, it was probably her way of sexually satisfying herself being that he was several miles away. They were having comp sex. Some people are very inhibited w their partners in person, but find it easier to say "I want to suck ur dick" behind closed doors.
Try this, next time u. R making love, do so in a very dark room, where she cannot see ur face and tell her that u are going to lick her lit, and see if she gets more into that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2012): Trust your gut and act accordingly.
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