A
female
age
36-40,
*ashes
writes:I am in a very loving relationship with my boyfriend of six years. We live together and have a six month old son. Our relationship got off to a terrible start but we've worked through it all. A few months ago a guy I met while doing a business course two years ago got back in contact with me. When we first met we became really close. He is one of my best and closest friends. He knows about my boyfriend and all the problems we had. He's always there at the other end of the phone whenever I need him. He has told me he loves me but said he'd never act on those feelings because I am already in a relationship. I love him too though but only as a friend. My boyf doesn't know I speak to him. I feel bad for deceiving him but I know if I tell him he'll freak out. He can get very jealous and possessive if I mention other guys. The guy I talk to is my only male friend and I'd hate to ever lose him. If I tell my boyfriend about him I'm afraid he'll make me cut off all contact with him. Please help I really don't know what to do!!!!
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male
reader, tux  +, writes (5 March 2009):
 If you still want to be with your boyfriend, You may not want to hear this.....
But I think you are better off not communicating with your male friend. When he says, he'll never act on his feelings, it is a lie. If you and your bf broke up tomorrow, of course he will be there to comfort you and get you through your bad time, but he'll be waiting to pounce and act on his feelings in no time.It's not a good situation to be in because if you end up in his arms being comforted, you are going to find yourself in a hugging embrace that will turn into a kissing embrace. You are going to be very vulnerable and there is nothing you will be able to do to stop it if you don't stop it now.
Furthermore, this does sound like emotional cheating like another poster said.. You are investing your emotions with another guy, even if you say you dont like him. The fact that he states that he likes you should be a good sign that you need to walk away from this friendship, because he is not a friend to you anymore once he likes you. I'm sure he's just waiting around for that time when you break up with your boyfriend, or when you two have a fight and he'll be there to do more than comfort you.
As far as being told who you should hang out with, This is a borderline problem that many people get wrong. In a relationship, people do have some rights in to who you can or cannot see as long as they are reasonable and not overly possessive. In this case, I think it's very reasonable if he told you not to talk to him anymore or as much.. a) You kept this guy a secret.. and b) this secret guy friend is in love with you.. It's not a healthy friendship to begin with..
In the end, ask yourself if he was talking to a secret friend who was a girl and loved him... what would you think?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2009): this definitely sounds like an emotional affair to me. I really hate situations like this because it has happened to me and it isn't fair to the person your with. If you are in a 6 year loving relationship...what else do you need? This is the man you love and have a son with and possibly want to marry one day I assume. Why would you risk losing that over a FRIEND. He may truly be a friend, but telling each other you love each other is serious. Emotional affairs are a form of cheating. If he is honestly just a friend then you would have probably already have told your boyfriend about him. Think about your man and how you would feel if the tables were turned. Some excellent advice my mother once told me is that if you feel uneasy about a situation and have to second guess yourself and ask questions, it probably isn't the right thing to do. Think about the type of man who is your friend who knows that you are in a loving relationship but still choses to disrespect your relationship by remaining in the middle of it. Then think about your relationship and whether you feel comfortable with losing it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2009): 2 words! Be Honest.
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A
male
reader, Replacement  +, writes (5 March 2009):
 Sounds like it could be an "emotional affair". You are definitely bushing the boundaries of acceptable behavior right now, I'd say verging on cheating behavior. There is nothing wrong with having male friends, but having really close, secret male friends who you confide in and who admits to being in love with you... eesh. I can't imagine any man being okay with this set up. I'd say pick one or the other, OR try to make it right by introducing them to one another so all three of you can be friends. That's always helpful, when you can hang out as a group it neutralizes the threat (in the mind of your man). Plus, if your male friend meets your boyfriend, and sees you together, he might get over his crush (or "love" for you). Whatever you decide to do, you've gotta do something because what you're doing now is definitely not cool.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2009): I think you need to be honest to your boyfriend. Honesty is very important in a relationship. You may get some trouble for the fact that you have hidden this from him for so long though. You are your own person and you shouldn't let him tell you who you can and cant talk to but you should respect the fact that your boyfriend has feelings to. If this other guy is in love with you then he is probably just waiting for you to have a relationship problem so he can swoop in and get you for himself. Thats how guys operate. You have to make a few decisions and yes, you are decieving him so I would fix that as soon as possible.
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