A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am a quieter, nice and ok but and ignored person, I have some anger in me that I cant let out? I don't want to be passive aggressive (im not but don't want to be, Ive seen others like this)what can I do, I dont want to let it build and and explode and yell at at someone, ie a poor retail assistant who doesnt deserve it! Im an ok and nice, kind person,people never see this, they are drawn to the popular, witty, quirky, funny and loud. I work and do my thing, I have very few friends that have their own life and I see occasionally, but they are always far too busy for me, which is OK, they have their lives.I have recently lost my good friend,of 30 yrs, she doesn't contact me anymore, despite me trying to contact her, she sent me one text last week saying she was "hibernating and lazy"sorry but wtf? F/ship takes two people to make the effort and we all feel lazy at times, she isn't trying and Ive not seen her for 7 weeks. Im not a demanding person, I see her every 3 wks usually and we text on and off to say hi.Im highly independant and give people space.Im a decent/kind/caring person but feel angry with the world now (not like me) and this thing with my friend added to it.I am very hurt over this and am not going to text or call anymore it is up to her to make the effort, why should I crawl to her? when she cant even bother to text me and say "hey lets meet up for munch before xmas" or "sorry Ive been a bit lazy we should meet up" Id do that if I were lazy! id never be rude. I like conversation, I am often the first to say hi to people I know , ie at work or aquaintances when im out and about. Though... I am quieter, and not loud or "look at me" or popular, Im almost always ingored and forgotten for better people. I don't want to let this anger build, its not good what can I do? and no I cannot afford therapy,been there done that, Im not depressed just very very hurt. Excercise music what? I joined a gym few months ago and go few times a week, it helps a little.no nasty answers please Im very hurt here and dont need unkind comments.thanks for any help.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 December 2014):
 I can be a bad friend when the weather is cold. I'd rather be home.
I also tend to not contact my friends when life is busy as it normally is this time of year.
I had a friend who in our late 20s (after being very close from age 13-age 24) who tried and tried to keep in touch and finally gave up. Over the years I thought about her and missed her but we had gone our separate ways.
Scroll forward 20 years and we are now friendly again but not nearly as close as we were. People outgrow relationships all the time. It is hard to accept but it's true.
HAD the others who rightly suggested hormone and mood testing, not been rebuffed so nastily (do you always get so hostile when you are feeling attacked) I would have suggested the same thing as a starting point. Since you did not mention in your original post that you had a recent medical work up how were we to know? We are not mind readers just a bunch of folks trying to pay it forward.
Unless you know you have gone through menopause at your posted age, hormonal issues and menopause/perimenopause are both issues that should be raised first.
Have you ever worked with a competent therapist/counselor to discover coping techniques for your inner anger? What about determining what is making you so angry in the first place and working to counteract that?
IF the gym is helping a little.. find more.
I too will second yoga. I love yoga for lots of reasons.
I prefer a class to solitary practice even though it's supposed to be a solitary pursuit.
So your friend says she is "lazy" and that's not good enough for you. And that's ok. Have you told her "you being lazy is not a good enough reason in my opinion for you to not make an effort I therefore will no longer contact you, when you feel "unlazy" contact me and perhaps we can renew our friendship"
that's what you feel. how does it sound when you say it?
why does it feel or sound good or bad?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2014): This is the poster who suggested blood work. I tried to help you and I was very kind, concerned and sympathetic in my reply- your response isn't normal to the point that I think you must be trolling or you really do have a serious mood disorder. It's obvious you don't really need any help or suggestions from your response to us so what is it you want? Your blood work is fine, you're not moody or depressed in spite of saying that you feel angry to the point of snapping at people a lot of the time and you're not menopausal. The only problem seems to be that you have been ignored your whole life and your bff has abandoned you. There isn't much we can do to help with either of those things. We have all had terrible friends I'm sure who have abandoned us at one point or another. If you want this friend in your life at all then obviously you will have to be the one to make the effort again at some point in time unless she decides to. If you don't care then you can just let it go. We don't know her and we have no clue why she is doing this or if she is really being lazy. Btw, there is no way to control other people's behavior. I have a friend who was so narcissistic that she could never even apologize after maltreating me and I eventually stopped all contact at some point in the midst of a horrible break up. She contacted me on my birthday last year but since then I haven't heard much. I still don't contact her because the trust is gone and quite frankly I just can't be bothered anymore. It's one less thing to worry about and cause myself stress over. There are times when I miss the friendship but the bad aspects of it all are not worth any positives. I feel I'm protecting myself form further pain and stress. Sometimes it's just not worth it. Good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (14 December 2014):
 None of those answers were nasty, your question was answered by three people who considered what you had written and then responded kindly and with good suggestions.
If your friend doesn't want to put any effort into a friendship with you because, as she says, she is lazy, there is not much anybody can do about it, apart from accept the situation or walk away from it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2014): This is the poster, I am not menopausal or depressed!!! I am kin and calm and never show outward anger, its all towards me..I work and Im a caring person who is never angry to ppl.
I resent any nasty answers.
and YES I have had recent blood tests, I am also not moody!!!!!!!!
I have NEVER been a moody person, read the question or don't bother answering..
I am very hurt as my friend has not made any effort, and angry that I a always ignored, I have been ignored my whole life, this is nothing new but Im just more over it since she "ditched" me,to be lazy and a bad friend. NO I'm not conatcting her!! why should I make all the effort!
she can make he effort, Ive been a kind friend, she had depression yrs ago and has had help at times and I have always been there for her, given her space,and let her no im there. I know its been hard..but she has always conatcted me back always
and all she says now is that she is "lazy" no good enough excuse, Im not unkind I have my own demons, I have ocd long term that is under control.
why cant some people make any effort
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2014): I'm so sorry you're going through this it is difficult.
I think you should go to your doctor and have a physical with complete blood work. Moodiness like this can be caused by serious illness sometimes which actually happened to me. I was taking supplements at the time but no amount of supplements is going to help if something serious is wrong. If everything seems ok then you can consider taking some medication to help your mood and stress levels, increasing your exercise and try to go to various activities such as meetups.
Consider reaching out to your friend again when you feel better- ask her if something is wrong and why she no longer contacts you. She may be having problems and that could be why she has withdrawn.
Try to work on developing activities in group settings outside of work and hopefully you will meet other friends that way.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 December 2014):
 Go see your doctor have your hormones checked out. I'm not even kidding. After I had my 3rd child my hormones were out of whack, I really WANTED to yell a lot (thankfully I do yoga so I used the relaxation methods to "cool" me down instead).
You are in the age group where your hormone level taper off and it can make you feel easier to anger, tears...
I mentioned Yoga, I still practice it daily at home. If your gym offers Yoga for beginners, try it. It's a nice way to start the day.
I don't think people "ignore" you for BETTER people - maybe you give off a bit of a "I'm very independent person" vibe that while you seem friendly, isn't exactly inviting ( I say this because THAT is how I am perceived quite often) I'm a quiet person (unless I know people really well). I have some friends who RARELY contact me, but when I contact them they chat for hours and are happy to Skype, chat - most of my friends live oversea so it can make keeping in touch a little harder with time difference and so forth. I have some friends who ALWAYS seem to beat me to the phone calls.
As for your friend and her hibernation, have you considered she might feel little bit of the winter depression? The lack of sunlight can affect us all, some more then other. MAYBE be the one to reach out more? If that doesn't seem to make a difference, then at least you tried.
I would TRY to not over-think things and make this about YOU not being good enough, because I don't think that IS the case.
Chin up and keep being a good and positive person.
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