A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I think I have a problem with men which is really affecting my life. I'm hoping someone will have some good advice as I really want to break free of this!I've been single for quite a few years, but during this time I've had numerous 'flings', which have lasted anywhere between a few weeks to a few years. Some of these have been more serious than others but none could really be described as a meaningful relationship.The problem is that I actually really do want to be in a meaningful relationship, and I find I am always heartbroken after these flings end, usually with the guy losing interest and me chasing him until the whole situation becomes dire. I never seem to be able to stop pursuing him, even when it becomes very clear he isn't interested in anything long-term. I always persist in trying to get it to work. I put everything into it and ultimately, I end up devastated when it turns out his interest in me was only superficial.Although my self-esteem has been shattered so many times, I do know that I'm not a horrible person. I just fall in love so easily, and I think I probably come on really strong really fast, which I guess is extremely off-putting. However, part of the problem also seems to be that I have a tendency to go for men who have no intention of committing to anyone. I lived with one of my 'flings' for quite a while, and we even openly said we loved each other. But he could never say that I was his girlfriend. In the end I felt so insecure I had to leave him. And, as usual, I was devastated.A few months ago I met someone who I really hoped it would work out with. I liked him a lot and he definitely seemed to like me, so, as usual, I got ridiculously excited and hopeful about it. He was on my mind all the time and I started to invest so much emotion into what was essentially a massive fantasy. When it didn't work out I felt lonely and depressed for a long time.I know I have a problem with men. I get too attached, too quickly, and often to self-confessed commitment-phobes, or even to men I don't like that much! So, of course, I always end up getting hurt.I wondered if this is something many women do? Most of my friends are in committed relationships and have never gone through any of the traumas I seem to experience fairly often.Does anyone have any advice for why I do this, or how I could break the habit? I'm absolutely terrified that I will never find someone to be with. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm just incapable of doing it...
View related questions:
depressed, heartbroken, insecure Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2014): Well the good news is that you have identified and acknowledged there is a problem. That is a good starting point.
I think some of these guys did like you and you could've become an item. But I think they get turned off because of your clinginess. Girls who are in a committed relationship may very well have experienced alot of the same barriers you do with men. The only difference is that they handle it differently. Whereas with you, if you don't hear from a guy or you don't see the relationship progressing as fast as you want it, you get clingy. On the other hand, girls who get the guy play it cool. They don't freak out if they don't hear from a guy for a few days. They go about their lives and let the guy do the chasing. They don't ask inappropriate questions like, "where were you?," "why didn't you call me?"," "where is this heading between us?," "who is that girl you were talking to?"
Guys are drawn to girls who are both confident and aloof. They respond negatively to girls who are clingy and insecure and who chase them. They respond positively to girls who are cool, who give them space, who carry on with their lives with or without him. You've got to change your way of thinking. You don't need a guy to validate your life and self worth. That has got to come from you.
What is something you do diligently everyday? I assume you bathe and brush your teeth. Just like habits that you stick to without question, you have to do the same with how you handle men. No matter what, let them chase you. And stick to it like a good or bad habit.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2014): Many of the people who come to this site having your problem with "falling too fast;" are looking for someone to fix them within a relationship.
They use boyfriends and girlfriends for "pain-killers." Human "home-remedies" for their loneliness and insecurity. For lack of an active social-life, and a good circle of "real" friends. They drag some poor sucker into their lives and hold them hostage, and call it a relationship.
Most have personal insecurities and/or they are emotionally maladjusted; hoping they will find a cure to all their pain and suffering, by being in a committed-romantic relationship. Their partner's task, is to Exorcise their demons, and help them find a shortcut to real happiness.
That isn't what relationships are for. Although they offer comfort, love, and support. They give us an emotional haven.
They're also supposed to feel good for the other person. Not just feel like they're our emotional beast-of-burden. We should be giving each other that kind of support, when a crisis comes into our lives. It's a partnership.
Boyfriends and girlfriends are not remedies for personality flaws. Needy people are emotionally out-of-order; and should be avoided until they correct themselves. Looking for someone to "complete us" is Hallmark-card malarkey. Bullsh*t!!! We're fed this movie-media created crap all our lives.
You should have your act together before a relationship; and look for people who have their mental-ducks in a row. Work-off your insecurities, push your previous failures into the past, and work from a clean slate. Put what you've learned from failed relationships into good use. You should have learned something by now. You will never be perfect;
but you can't be a total mess going into a new relationship either.
Neediness comes from having low self-esteem, lacking self-confidence, and dependency. Needing other people to fill-in or compensate for all the weaknesses you possess.
We all have weakness and faults. It's nobody's job to fix our faults, but us. Even therapists can't fix you. They can only advise and counsel you. You have to do all the work.
Some people are able to help us carry our emotional-load for awhile; but it starts to become a burden. They feel smothered, weighed-down, and just want out. What they thought was a romance; is constantly a reconstruction project in the works. Nothing ever just flows. You're trying too hard to make relationships with men fit into a fantasy created in your head. Reality destroys fantasies.
You want a fairytale-like romance you read about in storybooks. That's often due to immaturity and trying far too hard. You can actually have a wonderful relationship with all the trappings, but they work only if all the things you receive are given of your partners own free-will. Not if you force it, or demand it. Or, pile it on thick; and expect a dump-truck full of his feelings in-return.
Don't date guys you feel "you can fix." You wouldn't purchase a broken toaster for the price of a new one; with a plan to fix it when you get it home. So, why settle for ,and commit to, people you have to fix?
I think you already know that your problem mostly stems from trying to force the wrong men into a commitment. You don't know how to date, and let things progress from that point. You just don't have the patience.
You immediately assume you're a guy's girlfriend; if he asks you out a few times. Maybe you consistently have a good-time together, or if you have good sex. These are only a few elements, or the ingredients you start with. They have to come together naturally, they can't be forced or rushed. Baking a cake from scratch is a process. So is dating to forming a commitment to a person.
You may be too eager to wait for the full emotional aspect of your connection to form and develop. If he is affectionate, or has sex with you; you deem such behavior fuel for commitment. Not so!
He can enjoy sex with you, he can love kissing you, and chat all night. He may love snuggling with you. That still doesn't mean he has feelings for you. It takes time; and a lot more evidence than that. You pile it on too soon, for him to show any evidence. He's overwhelmed and looking for the door. You're already in-love.
You want a boyfriend and a relationship too badly.
Watching all your friends places a lot of pressure on you to get into a relationship yourself; so you're desperately trying to snag one.
Your lady-friends see your desperation. They purposely rub your nose in the fact: "I've got man. So sad, I feel so badly for you!"
Then comes the condescending and phony; " you're beautiful and intelligent, you'll find someone someday!"
Girlfriend, please!!! Spare me your phony pity!
Their man is usually no prize!
They're usually no better off than you are. They hide their misery behind makeup, and phony public displays of affection. So don't let that send you wildly searching for anything with a penis and a heartbeat.
Women tend to do that to each other. I've observed that a lot. It's hard to face your friends, if your relationship should suddenly end. You need them for support. That's hard to do; when all they did was flaunt what they had in your face. That is, when they have a man. They're suddenly missing in action when the cord snaps!
My dear, you have to relax. You have to use self-control and discipline your feelings. You don't try to pace yourself; because you're on a mission. "Operation Snag-A-Boyfriend!" Grab the first guy who goes for the bait!
Learn to date for fun and recreation. For the sake of companionship and intellectual stimulation. Go places, share activities, do things. The romance will fall into place. Just be receptive and responsive. Play it cool.
Don't worry about being his girlfriend. Concentrate on whether he is worth your time, feelings, and commitment.
You can do all this without attaching feelings. Just be fond of the guy; and let emotions grow and connect naturally. This should be done over time.
When you feel yourself getting eager, take deep breaths and backup a little. Keep your mind in the present! Don't launch yourself into time-travel. Thinking too far ahead, as to where it "should and could" be. You're not his girlfriend; until he asks you to be. If you weren't so eager, you could ask him first. I don't recommend that, until you are a lot less desperate. You have to learn how to pump the breaks, slow down, or stop!
You're too busy forcing things to happen; like you have a deadline. You go overboard trying to please the guy, and he gets freaked-out. You go from "sultry-eyed" to "wide-eyed" too early in the courtship-phase. You hang-on to guys better off being put out with the rubbish. They end up breaking your heart.
You're coming across too eager and desperate. Guys run from that. After they get sex, of course. Some men flee like we just saw the devil. Desperate people drive you nuts. They are clingy, and they smother you to death with affection. If you don't give it back in equal doses; they freak-out. The only option is to get out of there as quickly as possible.
You say you went a long period being single, filling in the time with "flings." I don't quite believe you were actually single; and not dating of your own free will. There were gaps in your social schedule and dry-spells. Then when a guy showed interest. Sex was offered too quickly; hoping more would develop. Is that what really happened?
I think there may have been a series of mishaps, bad choices, and failed relationships that could only last a few weeks at a time. The guys were probably met online, or in a close circle of men you know locally. You may have a "type" you rarely venture from. Low self-esteem equals lower standards for prospective mates.
You've never allowed yourself to just date a guy and be casual about it. Every date better lead to a relationship.
If you expect too much and don't get it, your frustrations will surely be put on display. I've seen it happen hundreds upon hundreds of times to women. They become jaded and cynical about men, and the perpetuation of the stereotype men are all commitment-phobes. We're careful and cautious about giving up freedom, and being exclusive to one person; unless there is something really good in it for us. How's that?
When desperately lonely people crave having a relationship, they get crazy. The unfortunate result of their efforts is the opposite; they remain single and alone. They drag all that frustration as baggage with them to be unloaded on the next person they meet. Whining about how they were rejected, how disappointed they are, how alone they feel; and try to use guilt to pressure the next prospect into proving he or she, is the one.
They might be interested; but a red-light flashes on! They don't want to invest their time and feelings on a flake.
Work on your self-esteem and build your confidence. Read all the books and publications you can get your hands on.
You will not find happiness and validation through having a boyfriend.
That is all supposed to be in place before you try to commit to a relationship.
You have to offer the best of you. You have to love yourself. Workout all the bugs in your personality that you realize get in your way, when you try to connect with men.
You have to first convince yourself you WANT a man. NOT THAT YOU NEED ONE!!! Other people having relationships should NOT be your motivation; but your inspiration.
Don't attach your feelings just because a guy likes you.
Wait for actions that prove THE FULL SCOPE AND EXTENT of his interest.
If you're in a hurry, you'll miss everything. You're always too far ahead of the guy in a foot-race; when you should both be running side-by-side.
...............................
|
