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I failed..What do I do now? Can I make things better?

Tagged as: Troubled relationships

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Question - (17 October 2007)

5 Answers - (Newest, 17 October 2007)

A male age 41-50, *tuartb writes:

I have made unforgivable choices this year and now am paying the price; I want to put things right but have I done too much?

Below are the details to the best of my recollection, I suspect that I have not covered everything or all the minute details but to the best of my knowledge this is a true and accurate recall of this year.

My wife and I were expecting a second baby having had two miscarriages. The previous year having lost my job, started to work for myself becoming the sole bread winner and then failing to be successful in the first 6 months of my business venture I took a job with a large reliable employee in my home city, I felt that a number of times that decisions my wife I should be making were decided by her father, I raised then and she agreed that she should include me, but I still felt that the decisions that affected my family were made and I was included at the last moment to facilitate me, I think that her father may have understood how I felt but because I worked full time and she and he didn’t I just was not there to make the choices.

In February this year as my wife and I were expecting a new baby having had the 12 week scan and knowing this one had survived, I was aware that the previous child was a nightmare and that I had very mixed feeling about this one’s arrival my wife had suffered badly with postnatal depression first time round and I had not know how to support her, she tried to protect me from the time she was going through and a divide grew where she got her support from her family and I provided the income as she was at home, If I at this time had been a better person I would have been a man and looked after them but I didn’t and now in February I am Feeling a little lost in life and unfulfilled worried about how the new arrival will affect us and that my position in the family was removed more than before, my wife spending Saturdays with her family and taking the child out leaving me at home, She thought I would enjoy the time alone to do whatever I would like Saturday mornings, I felt rejected again but I didn’t talk to her and tell her how I felt, then I attended a work conference after a number of drinks I ended up in a colleges hotel room, when she offered I said 'I am happily married don't you know' to which she replied 'I didn’t think such a thing existed' I think I took this as conformation that was I was doing was acceptable right there at the time despite the fact that I should have known better when we got to their room the drinks we had ordered arrived and we chatted, she told me how she was disappointed with her relationship and how she believed that they were only together until their daughter left and then they would go there separate ways, how her partner was not interested in her and how she was sexually frustrated, I did say that I felt my wife was not interested also and how I would like more from my sexual relationship with my wife but I didn’t tell her that I had not the confidence in my marriage to tell my wife this, )I also wrongly believe that she was not interested in me) I then agenst better judgement I attempted to seduce her not that she put much of a fight up we then had sex(She has a partner) It wasn't the sex that I got the high from but more that fact I did it the ability to be in control the sex was not worth anything but the power I felt was, the ability to impress someone and the fact they wanted me, and made it clear that they had a previous interest in me that I had not seen before this night. after the act I went back to my room and the next morning I was up early, with the knowledge of what I had done I felt dirty, I even showered twice I was one of the first at breakfast and then went outside into the grounds, I chose to call my wife and told her I was missing her, I walked to the far side of the gardens to make that call, I think this was in an effort to distance my dealing with her and what I had done, I had arranged a lift back home that happened to be in the same car as this woman (we will call her Marie) I could have gone straight home, I would have been early and this would have been a nice surprise for my wife and had the previous night not taken place I would have, but I wanted to put off going home, to face the person that I had betrayed and went to Marie’s house, nothing happened while I was there apart from I kissed her, Intended to catch a bus which is out of caricature but took a taxi because I didn't like the look of the other people at the bus stop, I told my wife that I had been to Marie’s house but did not divulge any details of what had happened (I recognise that his is the second point when I should have been honest and excepted the consequences of what I had done, the first being when I was invited to someone’s room)

My wife someone that had ensured that our first child was away so that we had some time to spend together, had even chosen a nice meal for me and left little love notes in the house for me to find as I had plans to go out with some colleges from a previous employment of the night (This constant being away from home was not the norm) I phoned her that night to tell her gossip about other people we know that had cheated on there partner without seeing the irony, someone even approached me at the bar that night, someone that I would consider more my time (I love larger women) but I showed them my hand with a ring on, as to say thank you but I'm taken (as I should have done that the night before).

By the following Wednesday my mood swings from the fact I was uncomfortable with the situation and the fact that Marie was now pursuing me at work asking for more, I told my wife that I was unhappy and when she asked me why I told her the worst thing I could, I told her that I didn't feel and love for her any more, we went out to 'talk' where she asked if it was the sex that left me feeling that way which I took as an excuse I could use effectively blaming her for the way I felt, pointing the finger at the person that loved me so much, the person that I knew would walk over hot coals for me but I did not value her for that. later that week she took me see our GP and he suspected that I was suffering from depression and stress, which was true but not for the reasons I gave, he even pointed the finger at my wife for not supporting me where looking back she went above and beyond for me.

The following week and I have moved into the back bedroom still sticking to my story that I didn’t feel love for her the stress and depression that now fuelled the deceit that I had created was running away at a rate of knots, I didn't know how to stop, and to be honest I didn't want it to stop at the fear of dealing with the fall out, I even started top believe that I was unhappy and I did what I did as a result of something my wife had done to me.

Looking to talk to someone I rang my ex someone who had come between my wife and I in the past someone that I compared my wife to and someone that I stop up for when I should have stood up for my wife. Why did I contact her, because I know she wouldn't tell me I was wrong, I said to her I liked Marie because of how I felt, she quite rightly said hat feeling was because it was a new relationship and not a true reflection of how I felt, I preceded to ask her for advice as the weeks went on we will call hr Antonia.

In an attempt to help me MY wife and her mother arranged for me to stay at a hotel in an attempt to sort out what I wanted and how I felt, I used this time to find a place to live, I viewed at flat on the other side of the city that night my wife invited me round to see her I don't clearly remember the details of that night, I know I had been in communication with her mother during that day where I had continued to convince myself and her that I didn’t love My wife and that I had been treated badly by her by her shutting me out this was a convenient excuse, but when I went round I think she started with where have you been, to which I answered 'I have found a flat' meaning I had visited a flat to look at, From there she produced a letter for me to sign renouncing debts created beyond this point at signalling separation which I signed, I then explained that I had not taken the flat and she informed me that I needed to.

I left and stayed again at the hotel When I contacted the agent the following morning the informed me there was a 4 week wait before I could move in, and believe that I could only stay at the hotel for a week which I now understand was wrong on my part I lodged with friends, I saw my daughter on Saturdays and collected my clothes and placed my belongings into the garage, I also started to look for a garage to purchase thinking that I would not have any where to store my belongings some of which are sizeable. Her father also contacted me and advised me that if I didn't love her I should leave her alone, but if I did I needed to love her love her love her, I chose to take this as interfering on his part, as did I the effort my parents did from afar, believing my tale of events, My mother said 'Please tell me there isn't anyone else' which I did, it fitted with me not being at fault. once I moved into my flat and had internet access I looked for adult contact sites I had seen banner ads for them in the past but never access them, I placed an ad and sent out lots of mails to people asking for sex, I received nothing, during this time I was seeing Marie, going back to her house at lunch time having sex on her bed (not in it) and on her hall way I stimulated her with my fingers one day to which she informed me that it was the most powerful orgasm she had ever had, I revelled in this control I had over her, getting her to do things when she at first said no. Had she said yes all the time the challenge would not have been there and I doubt things would have continued.

One night while online looking for contact from the website I received a message back from a member (we will call her hazel) I chatted to her for about 2 hours in a sexual nature, she invited me to meet her the next week at 9pm it was about 1hr drive away The concept of meeting someone just for sex, someone that wanted me to come to them just for that made me feel good, made me feel invincible. A few days after hazel had made the initial invite Marie told me that she was going to leave her partner, what I was a little worried about because this meant that she would be looking for commitment from me, she talked about moving in together and how the timescales would have to be right, to put it off I said that I could not do anything till September because my rent agreement required me to stay there till this time.

I spoke again to Antonia and explained that I was not sure what I wanted from Marie but I knew there was excitement at this point, she concluded that I was enjoying the excitement of a new relationship and not the actual person this rang true because I didn’t want what Marie was offering, I was not even that bothered by her as a person there was no mental stimulation she was just a plaything in this twisted reality I had created.

On the Monday she came to me and asked if I was sure we could be together and that this was more than just sex because she could not leave her partner and then be without anyone, she told me how he had begged her to stay and asked if there was someone else which he denied, by Wednesday she had decided that she was not going to leave her partner because she could not face upsetting him in front of him and that she didn’t want to risk being left alone, If I had offered more commitment to her she may have thought different. I felt that I was not in control again, I even started to question my feeling for Marie and were they more. At my flat and after a lot of vodka I decided to post online to see if I could get sympathy from MySpace users, I could not of course tell my true story, and as I planned to add to it as time when on I outlined a reason for being here, I told of how I had met Antonia and then that I had met my wife and had a child together, how I felt rejected and then how I had met Marie and how I felt I was finally happy, I was happy when I was happy but so very low when I was not, Her not leaving her partner, my then loss of control and realisation that I was alone led me to sink lower I really felt that after all this I had nothing, I should have written that I was longing for the return of my family as this was more realistic but I am not sire I could se that that was the true reason for my feelings at the time and concluded that I felt this was for no longer being in a situation that had given my misguided happiness, the excitement of a new relationship had gone so suddenly.

I played a game with her pretending to be in a bad mood with her, making her feel guilty about her choice, which worked, she invited me back to her house at lunch and before long we were fucking again.

I met hazel the following Thursday night we drove up onto a tor and with a blanket on the ground and a clear sky she started to give me a bj which was good, but they don’t do anything for me if it did she was the most lightly to do it purely because of technique. I fingered her, trying to push as many fingers inside her as I could after asked her during our conversations the previous week I had asked how many fingers and she said se suspected with shame 4 possibly 5, I put on protection and fucked her doggy style in the moon light, she and brought a disposable toy and we tried that, it did little for either of us, I then did her missionary and was getting a little fed up of being there faked an orgasm to get it over with, I dropped her back to the car, we kissed and I drove home by this time it's 2am, I text her to let her know I am back.

She had told me that she looked for sexual encounters allot this way and that she had a little girl but no partner, and was not interested in a partner, she asked me why I was on the site, I said I was looking for sex with no strings as my previous partner my wife had shut me out of the relationship choosing her family over me and that I didn’t want o be in the position with anyone, I was not looking for a relationship just sex.

While still shagging Marie I met hazel for a second time the following Tuesday also still on line looking for people to meet I had a reply from another person this time via a dating site we will call her Lynne, When I signed up for this site it also sent out an email to all people on the site in 100mile radius, this included one of my wife’s neighbours who showed my wife and also other people in the street some of who took delight in it.

I was brought back to earth when my grandfather passed away suddenly, I felt very along all of a sudden, I instinctively called my wife I was shocked, she offered to drive me up to my parents 120miles away (remember that she is 4 months pregnant at this time) I was so very glad she was there for me at that time. The funeral was the following weekend and my wife accompanied me there, agenst my better judgement I shared my situation with Lynne and she sent me messages saying that she wished she was there for me, I didn't want there there I was using her, playing a game with her where I was trying to convince her to come down for sex it was all a game, one that realistically was unfair on the other people playing,

MY wife how ever was there for me, was there throughout even though it was very difficult for her my family believing this situation was down to her actions and that I was the good person here, she stood by me and I didn’t even realise it, she stood by me at a time when I was treating her worse then an enemy.

Marie told me that when I said ‘I am a happily married man don’t you know’ she thought that was bad news because she wanted to have me that night.

I had made normal friends at work and they offered to take me out to a gig for the evening, which I agreed to so that Friday I was pretending to be a proper person, not trying to shag anything that moved, just enjoying myself, I could quite happily have done this while being with my wife, but tat the time I told myself this is one of the things I could not have done before to reassure myself I was right, when in fact I was not again.

I met Lynne from the train station the following Saturday and took her back to my flat where without much hesitation I undressed her and we had sex, she didn't take much persuasion, even taking the lead at getting undressed, we got some food in (I didn't want to be seen out with her, in fact after I had gotten what I wanted from her I wanted her to leave she was not attractive and looked nothing like the photos she had sent. The following day she insisted that we went out somewhere so I suggested that we went to pagination that way no one that I knew would see me, I stopped by work first, the power was out and I had to do some work in the switch room re-routing the power to the ups, With the building in darkness and knowing no one would be around I fucked her in the front of the lecture theatre, I faked another orgasm, she was not a turn on I was ashamed afterwards but the only way I could fuck her was to think of my hands on my wife voluptuous hips and touching her soft skin rather than the person that I was in fact fucking who was not curvy but just fat. we carried on to our destination where I facilitated small talk at the end of the pier in case anyone was there that would see me, we went to a pub and has a soft drink I went to the loo, she texted me saying she would like to see me again.

I knew her train was not until later on that day and stalled in the town until we had to leave, stopping for a meal at a pub on the way back, I only just had time to drop her back to the station as her train left I stared to compose a reply to her earlier text saying that I was not ready for a relationship and that I didn't find the attraction that I should actually she has fulfilled my game plan, get someone to travel from Wales to fuck and then send her away, I was being just plain evil to be honest. She contacted me upon her arrival home to tell me that her Father had passed away during her train back, that her car had been smashed up and now she had my message, because these things come in 3’s. later she also clamed to have undergone brain surgery twice for two tumours and the same week her sister was killed in a motorbike crash, I searched her local papers but found nothing about any of this, she also does not show up on the electoral register, she also has gone by 3 different surnames. The week after she also claimed to have been hit by a bus.

I had contact from another person on the sex site (we will call this one Fiona) I arranged to meet her one Saturday night and agreed that we would both be wearing blindfolds part of my game of control and making myself look like a player I suppose, after meeting and kissing with blindfolds on we saw each other and she was very curvy, at the time the largest woman I had been with, having size H boobs we had sex with protection that evening and she admitted that I was the first person that she had met explaining that she had come out of a relationship and going onto medication that had made her very horny all the time she had found sex sites and thought they may be a way to get contact and sex without the commitment or possible hurt of a relationship, I returned to the flat the following morning and contacted her to see if she would like me to come back Sunday night to which she agreed, I had a new victim. MY wife phoned me on the way to Fiona’s in tears, I pretended not to care, but I was upset by her crying selfishly I chose to continue my journey having told her I was going to see someone to stay the night, creating a story where I was meeting friends all of which was fictitious. This is one of the point when I should have stopped it, I should have gone to my wife’s side at this point she needed me, I owed her that but didn't do the right thing, I carried on driving convincing my self that my action were right and that my choice to leave was the correct one.

Fiona and I spent the evening together and she asked me why I was on the site, I explained that my wife was not interested in sex and that I felt pushed out by her family basically woe is me and that I was in the right, where actually I was not. We ate take away, I was not feeling well and left early the next morning, I went to the flat and stayed there being quite ill no one to care for me I started to notice the swings in mood at this point, going from confident and happy (when I was playing a fake) to very low when I realised I was alone, to help fight this low feeling I started to drink and consumed my time in work and searching online for my next shag.

After a few weeks of just Marie and Fiona again I started to egg Fiona on to try new things with other people taking my game to the next level getting someone not just to do things with me but also to do the with other people seeing how may people we could have, she even fucked someone at work in the stationary cupboard having been in her job for only a few weeks

During this time I had had also had contact from a dating site from someone who was a Dr and I discovered also worked for the same employer as I (A very large employer) we talked via email, she was away in Borneo I was aware that she was not as easily impressed as the others which made her more of a challenge, I did everything I felt I should in our conversations emails most every day discussing my situation conveniently excluding the actual timescales or the fact she was pregnant I did mention I had a little girl and sent her a link to a picture, this was on a blog my wife kept about the growing of our family there she red that my wife was pregnant she was not impressed but I made excuses, upon her return to the UK I arranged to meet for a coffee in he staff room which we did, I sold myself as a decent person who had been treated badly by his wife, she agreed to meet again for lunch this time, we went to a cafe near to her campus and it was pleasant, I was wary of being seen this time because I would be found out where with Lynne it was about someone seeing me with someone that was ugly.

I think this was about the same time that my wife changed the name of our daughter and her self by deed poll, with my consent. This was another time when I really noticed the swing to a low state and got very drunk when I got home that night.

I arranged for this latest lady to come for an evening meal and a trip on the water taxi, she parked at mine with the intention of going home after the meal, we went to a new place that had just opened but they did not have any tables so we tried somewhere that I had been with my wife in the past and got in, I knew this was one of my wife’s favourite venues but didn't give it a thought, we were offered wine with our meal the lady I was with declined as she had to drive home, I said don’t be silly, stay over I can sleep on the sofa after a bit of persistence she agreed as it was closer to work in the morning and she would not have to worry about a long drive home late at night. we chatted much like I suspect a first date would be, as we walked back to the boat I took her hand and as we waited for the boat I went to kiss her, she let me after all she believed that this was going somewhere we took the boat back and walked up to the flat, we walked past the place where my wife and I were married, I didn't point it out. As we approached the flat she said 'I am not going to sleep with you, you know that don't you' and said, 'yes of course, you are in charge' We went back to the flat where I continued to kiss her, I held her and ran my hands under her clothes slowly as one thing led to another we were undressed at in bed when she reminded me that she would not sleep with me, in fact she felt uneasy about how far things had gone, I continued to touch her and kiss her until she agreed as long as I had some protection, which I did. we did the same again in the morning before work, She decided to drive home first thing and I went to work.

We met 3 more times each occasion I stayed at her house, once she drove and picked me up / dropped me back to work I knew Marie would have seen my car there and suspected where I had been, this kept her where I wanted her to be.

I did notice that while I was with this lady I stopped playing the game and became more like the person I was, feeling guilty for want I was doing, when she touched me I remembered my wife and how hurt I had made her, in the end I told this lady that I could not continue this because I kept thinking of my wife and was not ready for a relationship, she said she suspected something was up and wished me well, I think she still hoped that something in time would happen.

Meanwhile Fiona and I were still pushing the boundaries of what was possible, we met a couple and swapped for sex in the same room (swinging) this person I had sex with we will call Marcia and contacted other couples offering both of us, she met a couple herself and tried things with another woman, this I believe she did not enjoy. I encouraged her to invite another person to join us for a three some, the closes we came was someone watching as he jerked off, I used her toys on her and myself I also was her first to take her anal, I was issued with a notice to leave my flat as it was up for sale and she also needed to move as their outgoing were higher than her income, she suggested getting somewhere together possibly in an attempt to shock me but it very quickly turned into finding a place and putting down a search fee. she handed in her notice, I stalled on mine which looking back was telling of the situation. I had also made a deal with her that we would not sleep with each other if we moved in together, she refused, we settled on nothing for 6 weeks after we both moved in, This is where I started to realise that I wanted this to stop, I really started to take note that the roller coaster I was on was running away so fast and I feared that I could not stop it if I did not now, this was a desperate measure that I felt I could then control once I was there, really I should have stopped before I agreed to move in with her.

I had a fall during this time and broke my elbow, I should have gone to A and E but did not want to go alone, I went to work where they persuaded me that going to A and E was the best I could do, after an x-ray it showed that I had a fracture, I felt very low that day I don’t like hospitals and felt isolated, I wanted to tell my wife about it but could not bring myself to open up to anyone.

I had started to feel invincible the but mood swings were becoming greater and greater but alcohol seemed to make the hurt lessen I was often crying at night because I missed my wife and the safety and security that came with that, I missed having her to tell about the things that didn’t matter as well as the things that did, I could have told the others but I didn’t want them to care, I even phoned Antonia to ask how I made the pain go away how did I stop wanting to be with my wife, the only advice should could give was that it would pass but it would be difficult, My wife had made me promise that I would call her when I realised that I had done the wrong things that I would call her, call her when it hurt when I was in pain, I didn’t and I should have.

I started to distract myself also with my own exploration and ordered some toys for myself, I had seen something in a video with a tail that I liked the look of and ordered it I also purchased a vibrating ring and a bullet with this I also got small blue vibrator this had a dolphin on the top of it as a free gift. I had also purchased 100 condoms.

I had a new contact on the sex site, this person we will call June, she came over at we chatted for a little bit I didn’t give many details about me this time, we had sex with protection and she went, I only saw her once.

I invited hazel to come up to see me and she did, she came to the flat played happy families she made dinner we ate and fucked she went home the next morning, she also brought her toy with her and some poppers plus a few other bits that we didn’t use, I found out I don’t lie poppers! I tried her vibrator on myself it didn’t do much for me I must admit.

This is also where the game took a new twist, rather than me doing the running around I was able to tell people to come to me, I could contact Fiona and say, come around mine tonight and she would almost be grateful for it.

I had tried to stop Fiona from sleeping with me as she was starting to become clingy and I also maintained the power not in getting her to do things but this time in not getting her to do things, I had the same with Marie who has been having problems with should I shouldn’t I is Stuart offering commitment came to me to say that she was happy just to have sex if that was all that was on offer, I said then I didn’t want to anymore I wanted to commit to my wife.

About two weeks later my wife, her sister and our child were spending the week at Butlins my wife was kind enough to invite me up to spend the weekend with them, I had broken my car the previous weekend and had a hire car, While I was there I pretended that all was well and that we were a family again, until night fell, my wife’s sister was upset about my being there and an argument erupted, I explained that I missed my wife and started to tell her about my feelings, she asked me if I had slept with anyone else during this time, I said yes and asked how many I counted and said 6 she got more upset, Her mother arrived with her partner after a 120mile trip to get there following a phone call my wife relayed what I had just told her to her mother who told me ‘You have blow it this time because you couldn’t keep your trousers on!’ after shouting and crying and some hurtful things said the sister, the mother and her partner left, I stayed with my wife and our daughter for the night I cuddled my wife who was very upset, I also spent the whole night very turned on because I was again holding the person I found so attractive but never told her how I felt before or now. If at anytime I had the chance to do the right thing this was it, but I cowered out and chose not to.

On my return to the flat I had a call from Lynne saying that she was pregnant and it was mine, I didn’t understand how this could have happened and was sick, the room was spinning I felt empty again I offered my question ‘Do I deserve this, how do I put it right?’ to what ever power there is in this world be that god or something else, I go no answer.

My wife and I spend the rest of the week together staying till late every night. I was distracted by the news I had on Monday, I tried to convince this woman to terminate this child but she would not, I was suspicious that this was a ply to continue contact with me, by the end of the week I was contacted by her sister on Lynne’s phone to say she had been hit by a bus a lorry and has miscarried.

On the Thursday of that week, Hazel invited me down to see her I believed that I had no chance with my wife and excepted without thinking how bad this was, she suggested that we met in the hotel car park in her home town again, we picked up some food and went out to the countryside I really was not interested in shagging hazel this time I just wanted to talk to someone that knew what had been happening I had told her about Lynne and the pregnancy which I now feel ashamed about I should have spoken to my wife about this offering the information. Hazel and I fucked outside again I didn’t cum I had problems keeping it up which I can only put it down to stress.

My wife invited me round Friday lunchtime, I rushed to grab some lunch for the both of us and we spent the afternoon together, Saturday I took our daughter out and Saturday evening my wife invited me to her bed, I enjoyed holding and touching her so much, I had missed her so much she asked me if I had had unprotected sex with anyone or if there had been any accidents, I led and said I had been careful where in fact I had not, with Marie I had had unprotected sex and with Fiona there had been an accident in both occasions the person I was with was taking additional contraception and I thought nothing more of it.

About 2am Hazel sent me a text asking how I as doing or something like that, my phone was in the bedroom and my wife picked it up, reading through my phone she found messages from all these women and the details of Lynne being pregnant, she also saw that I had been with hazel on the Thursday night I didn’t beg for forgiveness, I didn’t defend myself I just left I took the cowards way out again.

On the Tuesday I went to the cinema with my dr friend she had made the offer, and made it clear that this was not a date and just because she didn’t want to go alone and her friends had already seen it, I met her from work we ate chips and saw the film, I see now how this was inappropriate even thou it was innocent from the outset I was effectively going out with someone who I had deceived and been on dates with.

From here on the dates and sequence of events starts to blur as I started to lose control of what happened.

My wife and I start relate sessions she is at this point saying that she is open to sorting things out but hesitant about getting hurt again.

I had explained to Fiona that my family was my world and that they always came first, but now I was telling her how much I wanted them back and how much I missed my wife, how I had seen what I could have had and what I lost and how that made me realise what I had staked for this lifestyle choice, but that I could not tell my wife what had passed as this would hurt her and she agreed.

At some point during this time Fiona contacted she insisted that I came to hers one evening which I did, She sounded upset and I at this point was still planning to move in with her, She told me that she had been feeling unwell and that she had been to see her GP I knew this was going on as she had said in emails which were almost daily at this point she then told me her gp had asked her to do a pregnancy test and when she did it was positive, not only that but she was without doubt that it was mine as She had had no incidents with other people, when the accident happened I was concerned until she reminded me that she was on the pill and it was not a problem, I thought no more of it.

We talked for hours, she cried on me a lot, I from this point was sure of the outcome and started to talk about dates and what options were open to us, I also recommended that she did not tell people because people would draw there own conclusions and that the advice she would get would not help unless they were there too, I also explained that the relationship with her mum would not benefit from this news and she should wait until she knew what options were open to her, she agreed with me after many hours and booked an appointment to see her gp, I did not stay all night that night.

I needed to speak to someone so contacted Antonia again, she this time did not give me the reassurance I was looking and called me a fool for being in this position, I also spoke to her about getting back with my wife and how much I still missed her, she said things about my relationship with my wife and about her that I took offence to, from here I stopped speaking to Antonia.

With my parents still believing that I was right and my wife was in the wrong various emails went back and forth between all three parties and often including my wife’s mother at times, this caused a lot of resentment between my wife and my parents because they stood by me and believed wrongfully that she was at fault.

Fiona having visited the GP had been given the option to take medication that would cause her to miscarry this could be taken up to 12 weeks after conception she spoke to me and to a friend of hers that told her termination was wrong this left me with a battle to convince her that for the other people and me termination was the correct choice.

My very pregnant wife had met me one Sunday and invited me to try again to sort things out, the immortal word came out ‘is there anything you want to tell me?’ I unfortunately said no, she asked about my moving into a house with someone, I admitted then it was Fiona who she knew as someone I had met but at this point believe she was just a friend and not someone I had slept with still my wife was not happy about this I made a promise to contact Fiona and tell he the move could not take place. This I did first thing Monday morning, explaining that my family was more important, she was upset by this especially with the pregnancy and the impending termination.

My wife arrived at work to tell me that she had been thinking and that she didn’t think a reconciliation was possible, She asked me if I had done anything about our conversation the day before, I said yes and explained I had spoken to Fiona, that she was upset and I spoken to the agents and they were pissed off. She took this well, she believed that I would not have done anything I believe this was the first positive step I had made.

I was still getting the odd friendly message from hazel just to say hi, having spoken to me most days on msn or via text she felt strange not contacting me and continued to, I spoke to her and explained that I was choosing my family, she got upset and said ‘so I don’t suppose I will see you again’ via text. This at the time was the last message I got from her.

MY wife allowed me to stay the night we had sex, her now heavily pregnant this was one of my fantasies Fucking a curvy heavily pregnant woman and making her my submissive, this was the best sexual experience I had had until her waters broke which was I admit not something I believe I could ever share with anyone else, we went to hospital first thing the next morning, she was on a monitor and they said they may start a c section, which did not come to anything in the end and we were sent home.

I had told my wife that I was not sleeping with Fiona and that I would like to continue to talk to her, this was of course because of Fiona’s pregnancy but I did not feel that I could tell my wife this was the reason, I believed this would be the worst news possible, my wife was not happy that I was speaking with Fiona, she got hold of her contact details and emailed her, Fiona came back to me and said I have been sent this email what do I do? I formulated a reply that Fiona re-wrote in her won words basically saying that we were just friends and that she valued the support I have given her regarding the problems she had had with relationships and family following the passing of her father and moving to this part of the country not knowing anyone.

MY wife also had made noises about my phone and people having it’s number, I visited town and got a new phone with a new number. I requested my old phone’s contract was allowed to expire but any business call I may receive I would pick up messages and give the new number as I saw fit, not allowing people that I was trying to leave behind this number, Fiona soon realised that I had a new phone when I didn’t answer texts and my phone was off 24/7 and asked for my new number based on that fact she may need to contact me urgently I gave it to her, had I thought more quickly I would have given her a made up number, or created a fake number that re-directed but I didn’t think quick enough.

Having received and email from Antonia to say she had finished her job and also accuse me of changing my number and not telling her, I picked up my new phone and called her, I explained that I wanted my family back and she played no part in that, but she had my new number by this point.

Fiona visited the hospital and took the medication to reject the pregnancy on the Saturday, I was relieved as I believed this was the end of that.

My wife and I went to hospital on the Monday as planned for the birth of our son which was a privilege she didn’t have to let me be there, I found out later that her father had persuaded her to let me be there.

I took a picture of our new son and knowing I had only added some contacts to my phone and people I had heard from in the last few days I selected all and sent the picture to my whole address book in one shot knowing this included my family some people from work, some of my wife’s friends that I had added and her family, I forgot that Marie was also on this list as she had called me, really I should not have given her the new number, she replied to say how nice the new baby looked and where should she send a card? But it was too late, a picture of my son had been sent to someone that I cheated on my wife with before my wife had even held him, this was a genuine mistake but I didn’t think to delete the reply.

After 1 week of helping my wife and our new son I returned to work my wife found hazels contact details and contacted her hazel replied telling my wife the answers to her questions, hazel had contacted me first but my wife had not asked any questions about anything that I wanted to hide so hazel relied with the truth this felt very strange I had expelled so much effort to hide and deceive being able to just tell the truth without fear that I could be found out was strange.

In the coming weeks my wife asked about the other people I had seen, what I had done with them, I also created a story about a squirting incident to try to explain that it existed, my fact was based on things I had read online and not experience but lying had become second nature by this point, the blur between reality and fiction left me saying stuff that would not hold water even creating lies that served no purpose.

I had at some point told my wife that I had met my Dr Friend and she was from a dating site, I think I also told her where she worked but for some reason I told her I had not slept with her, she gained access to my work emails and locked my in the garden so that I could not stop her reading them. Here she discovered that I had slept with my Dr Friend, why I didn’t tell her I don’t know, but to stop her reading I kicked in the back door to get in the house.

My wife insisted that I was checked for STI’s which I did, she still wants me to go back for a second appointment as she believed that I may have HIV.

MY wife got mr Dr Friend's contact details and phoned her, my Dr Friend confirmed what I had said, that I split with her because I missed my wife and family, my wife then preceded to tell my Dr Friend that I had been sleeping with other people at this time also.

My wife also contacted Lynne, at which point Lynne told my wife that she was in fact still pregnant but this time is was only singular and not twins, she told her that I had said that I wanted her there at the funeral which is not true, my wife asked for proof that she was pregnant, and would understand if she was unable to provide it and take that as an attempt to scare / punish me, no evidence was forthcoming.

Fiona contacted me to say that the termination had not worked, but had caused complications, she was still pregnant but there was now a risk that the baby could be disabled due to reduced blood flow to the foetus, I was in shock, I believed I had only just managed to convince her to go through with it in the first place.

I talked Fiona into going back to speak to her GP and discuss the options now open to her, the only thing was an abortion it was booked in for the next available slot Fiona had bleeding on and off for the next week and a half, returning to hospital on a number of occasions and getting further scans of the foetus which she saw, I convinced her she was doing the right thing if not for herself but for may family and the impact it would have on them.

Fiona’s appointment was 7am Saturday morning, I agreed to go with her, she begged me to come over the night before, which I agreed to, my wife rang me to see where I was, I had dropped someone from work home and knowing a had about an hour to kill before I needed to head over to Fiona’s I stopped for a cup of tea, she my wife called I said I was with this woman from work, she hung up, texting back to have a go at me for being there and not telling her, this woman felt her reaction was unreasonable. But then she didn’t know the history I have since put her right on why my wife was justified in her reaction. I told my wife that I went out on the town with this woman and her friends where in fact I was at Fiona for the night, she had spent the afternoon at the hospital and miscarried, they performed a procedure to ensure that no debris were left and sent her home. She was shaken and very upset, I stayed for as long as I could but felt so very guilty for being there, I think this indicated again that my sense of right and wrong was at last kicking in, I made excuses and despite her begging me to stay I left and came back to my flat, I felt terrible for putting someone through that and then to leave them, but I could not be there because I should not have been there.

My wife found the piece I put on the internet about a person that had finally made me happy, she guessed that this was Marie and contacted her, reading the piece out over the phone to her.

I went to see my wife and tried to persuade her that it was not Marie, why I am not sure as I blamed and innocent party this move could have caused huge problems and could have drawn in more people and hurt people without course,

In the end I confessed that it was Marie, my wife asked me if I slept with Marie at the conference, I said ‘no, I could not have done that’ because it was the lie I had already started, and once you start them I found it almost impossible to back down.

Monday morning my wife visits my workplace and confronts Marie, we end up all out in the car park, this would have been my opportunity to show that my wife and I were solid even if we were not, but it could have shown we were a team, I was a coward and kept my mouth closed when I could have made it clear that I wanted my wife, that anything that happened was a mistake.

My wife threatened to tell Marie’s partner at this time, and after many phone calls backed down and said she would not.

During this time my wife also started to receive silent phone calls, someone was there you could hear them breathing then they hung up, until one time they rang, my wife answered and the voice said ‘he’s still cheating on you’ I suspected that this was Lynne but had no proof, I checked Fiona’s phone bill on line and found no calls to my wife on there, Marie was on the phone one time when a silent call came through so I know it was not her. No one else had her number, but I did now Lynne did find an old webpage with my mobile number on and this page also had my wife’s home number, the page was removed and withheld numbers barred.

MY wife still feeling that Marie, the one who saw what she had set out to take something she felt was better than what she had, my wife found out Marie’s partner name and then found out his email address, and emailed him, she told me and told Marie who deleted it before he read it. My wife then told Marie again that she should not tell him.

MY wife looking for Maries partner again found he had posted on a forum about how he felt Marie’s relationship with him had been sour this was posted around the time that she had said she wanted to split. My wife posted a reply to the topic detailing what she knew of what had happened, people even quoted it so that she could not remove it. I let Marie know with my wife’s consent, after emailing and phone calls the topic was removed by the website before he saw.

MY wife saw my phone ad also saw that I had contacted Antonia, she was left betrayed and let down again, I was angry with Antonia for still putting a divide in my relationship with my wife after all these years, thinking that she was better than me, where she would actually never be the person my wife is, Antonia even admits hat she has problems with girlfriends and wives contacting her I can only presume because she gives no regard for the people she sleeps with, the same way she did when her and I were together, what she doesn’t see is that I only contact her when I want someone to tell me I was right because no one else will, not because I value her but I use her to make myself feel righteous. I chose this opportunity to send long text message to her saying that I chose my wife and that it was a mistake to contact you again, I meant every word I was for one angry with Antonia, she replied with ‘it’s ok my sweet, I will still be here in 10 years when you next split with my wife’ because she could never chose to believe that someone didn’t want her she is too self centred.

MY wife tells the relate councillor and myself that she could not have a relationship with me.

I decided to tell my wife about Fiona and the pregnancy and where I actually met her, she said I should have told her when it happened that way we could have dealt with it together, which I still find strange.

Appointments were made for me to have a psychological assessment to see why I started on this route.

I contacted Marie and told her that she needed to tell her partner or I would, she stopped speaking to me.

My wife still upset that Marie had got away without hurting and contacted her partner direct at home, my wife did warn Marie but Marie did nothing, MY wife said to her partner ‘did he know if anything was going on with Marie and Stuart’ he said ‘no, but I will ask, can I take your number and call you back’ my wife was saying what a nice person he was and all the rest of it for the rest of that day.

My wife rang Marie and asked told her what she had said to her partner, Marie said ‘I am trying to purchase a comic for my child and that is far more important than what you have just told me’

After Marie got home her partner laid into her about what had happened, she confessed to him that something had happened but she had been to my flat at lunchtimes which was untrue as we had been to hers.

On the Sunday her partner rang my wife and shouted down the phone at her telling her to keep her fucking husband away from him and if he didn’t have a child he would fucking smash my face in, Why he was shouting at my wife I do not know she had not done him wrong, she didn’t even tell him, he did however show himself to be a thug and thick, I didn’t speak to him but my wife’s opinion changed as to what sort of person he was from that point on, He still didn’t know all the details at this point.

I at this point was still saying that I did nothing with Marie until after I had left the family home.

On Monday Marie rang my wife and told her about her Sunday night when she confessed to her partner that she had brought me back to their home, she also told my wife that we had been intimate at conference.

The fact that the lies and events of the past year, things that I had put behind me but not admitted was now catching up on me, I really believed that there was no way that the one person I had come to realise I wanted to be with would be with me, at this point I didn’t know where to turn I hit my lowest point I felt like I had lost the will to breath I really wanted to just stop living I was on the phone to my wife at this point, even though I refused the help she offered but had she not been there I am not sure how I would have coped, She has always been there to catch me I just didn’t value her for she is the only good person in this story.

These things are fresh in my wife’s mind but in mine they were dealt with many months ago, I really don’t know how to cope with this, or at the loss of my family through my own destructive actions.

Tuesday Marie rang my wife again to tell her more details of what her and I had done, including the fact I had used toys on her, I had in the past denied it, she saw this as the last straw saying that I was still lying to her when I had not purposely continued to hide this information, as you can see there are a lot of details to remember, and I don’t know what I have said, have not said and what I lied / made up.

The last conversation with my wife, the person that I have finally pushed away, the person that stood next to me when I had done the most terrible things to says that she cannot see me anymore, she cannot bear to be hurt by me anymore.

How could I have done such a terrible thing to this woman, the person that loved me beyond believe, the person that I took for granted, the mother of my children my best friend and my soul mate?

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A male reader, stuartb +, writes (17 October 2007):

stuartb is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I do want to change, I have stopped, I am not looking for validation or a quick fix, I do not want a ticket back into her life, I want to earn it as I should. I hope that the other people as now understanding and recognise my choice as the right one, Fiona has changed her path and now had a partner and it putting the past behind her I have tried since to offer what support I can without betraying my wife. You are right, I do not deserve her I realised this in the recent weeks I am not worthy of the support she has showed during this time either. I have re-read my story many times, and writing it was upsetting for the actions I took and not the outcomes I do not want to be who I have been I don't like the person I was and would do anything to make things better however that was possible, however long it took, is it possible to overcome what I have done? I am shameful of my actions.