A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need advice on what to do about my boyfriend. Whenever we have an argument and I am slightly to blame, he gives me the silent treatment the next day and sometimes for a few days. He has mental health problems and I will admit that he is very self absorbed, he hardly has compassion for my issues but feels woe is me when he has his own. Basically he doubts my love for him and when I tell him I love him he replies "I hope so" this usually confuses me because I show him enough times but I shrug it off. Basically I am here today because we have had an argument and he is giving me the silent treatment again, he is being cold, stand offish and sniggers at me when he looks over. The argument came from when we got drunk the other night he told me he loves me and I repeated back to him what he says to me "I hope so" because I have been feeling down lately too, he said "how dare you! dont you use my words lke they are so flippant, I have a reason for saying them and you are just sarcastically saying it back to me" Because I was drunk I threw the dining room chair to the other side with frustration (I was feeling I have to walk on egg shells) but I worry that bit of anger made me look psycho. Basically he isn't speaking to me nor being affectionate and I dont know what to do. Have I done anything wrong at all? how can I snap him out of it and forgive me?
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female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (1 June 2016):
 Ok so mental health is a serious issue. He's problems stem from that. I however think that he needs help with that. I'm assuming he's already seen a professional? Anyway, that isn't to blame for his acting out. He is very insecure or he would never say "I hope so" when he does. Usually when a past relationship goes wrong in some way I.e infidelity etc, people tend to carry the hurt and memory of it into relationships that follow. He is saying that from a place of insecurity BUT that is no excuse to go ghost on you. The grown up thing for him to do would be to talk to you and work through it as well as his own issues that he's having. I personally don't understand how someone with mental health cannot relate to other people on some level as he cannot, that's ridiculous and you're right about him being self absorbed. It's always going to be about him and you will always have to rally around him or walk on egg shells around him. I think the questions that you need to ask yourself would be "Do I have #1 the time, #2 the patience and #3 the capacity to deal with him? If no, move on and if so then good luck OP
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2016): You understand that having mental-health problems; he isn't fully functioning on psychological and emotional levels. The things he says aren't coming from the same places as the comments you make. Your negative reactions won't necessarily alter how he behaves. He's not a well person.
Throwing a chair was an act of violence and a demonstration of your frustration gone out of control. What he says and does is basically because he needs therapy to help him to develop enough maturity in order to reason and properly express his feelings. Otherwise; his judgement and filters are malfunctioning. You're trying to jolt him into sensibility. That will never work.
It takes a well-trained mental-health professional to monitor his moods and behavior. Fighting will not do it.
It is likely your relationship has reached its limit; and will most likely deteriorate. If he isn't undergoing a program of counseling and therapy; you're struggling with someone who can't reason on the same level. It's only going to put you in therapy yourself. Or in jail!
You have to offer him an ultimatum to seek treatment. Then you'll have to get your finances in order; because you're going to have to live independently for awhile. You're not equipped to deal with his mental-health issues, and you're likely to hurt each other. Throwing things about, as I said, is exhibiting violent behavior; and that is due to your loss of patience with his illness. You're traumatized by the emotional-abuse, and you really need to remove yourself before something goes seriously wrong.
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A
female
reader, Bluewolfie +, writes (31 May 2016):
 It seems too me that he's had his way for far too long. He's acting like a spoilt child trying to manipulate you to gets the attention he wants. You can't change people, only they can change themselves so its pointless trying to "snap" him out of it because it will only be wasted effort. If drinking is part of the problem you should maybe cut down on the drink. And violence is never a solution, it will only give him more ammo. I've been in a similar situation and giving him what he wants will not change anything. My boyfriend was the same, he said that I didn't really love him and I'm only there because i feel sorry for him ect. It wasn't unti I stopped stroking him with a feather and stopped giving him what he wanted that he stopped acting so spoilt and got his priorities straight. After that he got help. If your boyfriend is getting help but there's no signs of him getting more mature then you have to ask yourself, do you really want to put up with this? You have to consider your mental health. Don't let him drag you down to his level.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (31 May 2016):
 SVC offered you the only "advice" you need. To wit:
"Do you want to live like this forever?"
If "yes," then stay with this creature and endure your angst....
If "no" (or, "Hell, no") the part ways and make a better life for yourself.....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (31 May 2016):
 I'm not sure that you can really help him unless its to encourage him to get treatment/take medication. Is he doing these things? If he's not then its not in your best interest to be seeing someone like him because it might be very hard for him to control his emotions. I would imagine that you have already discovered that its not good for either of you to get drunk together. He seems to bring out the worst in you. You do realize that throwing a chair wasn't the right action right? I understand frustration but violence won't solve anything and if you are dealing with someone who has unstable emotions, god only knows how he could react to you showing violence.
If it were me, I'd be walking away from this relationship. It seems to not be healthy for either of you.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (31 May 2016):
 YOU can't snap him out of it.
You should not have thrown a chair in frustration. AT all. EVEN away from him. IT was wrong.
BUT his behavior is wrong and his treatment of you is indefensible.
He is emotionally abusing you. IF he wont' get help and fix himself, then he can't be a mature adult partner for you.
Do you want to live like this forever?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (31 May 2016):
 Trying to get him to forgive you is your first mistake. You do not need his forgiveness because you didn't do anything wrong. HE, on the other hand, has trained, conditioned, and emotionally abused you into walking on eggshells and believing that everything wrong with him is your fault and that you have to make up for his mental problems.
You're in your 30's. Why are you even with him?? I understand if he has doctor-diagnosed mental conditions for which he is actively under a doctor's care for, but I question his mental health issues as his excuse for treating YOU any way he feels like.
YOU are not his therapist, nor are you his emotional punching bag. A relationship will break under someone's constant need for validation and reassurance. I call BS on him because if he really WERE doubting your love, and if he really WERE insecure, and it wasn't an act, he would never and he COULD never say "How dare you" or "you're being flippant". People insecure would say nothing to topple the apple-cart.
No. He has manipulated you, and this silent treatment is all emotional abuse designed to get YOU to do what he wants. There is only one thing you can and must do, and that's get out of the relationship now. Something tells me that you've been in this for a long time, and you thought you could be his "caretaker" and savior for when he's down. You're a co-dependent, and it's not healthy for either of you. If you truly care for him, you'll leave him to stand on his own feet instead of suck the life and dreams out of you like a bloodsucker.
One last thing - if he's actually having mental issues, and especially IF he's under a doctor's care, the medicine he's taking means he shouldn't go near alcohol in any way, shape, or form.
Tell him to get out of the house and never come back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2016): Hi, I am the poster, Yes he is. But he drinks too. I dont know what to do with him right now. I feel like ive pushed him away.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (31 May 2016):
 Is your boyfriend receiving treatment for his mental health issues because if he is not you are wasting your time being in a relationship and expecting him to act rationally.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2016): I wouldnt bother to get him to snap out of it because he is a smart arse playing games with your emotions.
He could try being honest but he'd probably need a priest and a confessional box for that.
Some guys get through life by trying to leave a trail of emotional destruction and they make smart arsed answers like "i hope so" because they have a plan that they hope your affection for them will make you agree to, so take it from me that someone who is so damned devious they play with words like that doesnt need bringing round out of their bad mood they need seeing off.
May i suspect that a rabid rottweiller would make a better friend?
Hold your corner and keep well away from him!
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