A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I am a seemingly normal happy 19 year old male with a loving family and a lot of friends! However I have a huge problem on my hands. My question isn't laid out very clearly and I'm literally just writing as I think so sorry for structure is so crummy. Hope you can help!A few years ago I noticed that for some completely unknown reason I was scared of picking up the phone because I didn't know who was calling. Even when I did know who was calling I found it hard to pick up and didn't half the time. An irrational fear I couldn't control. My parents put this down to being too lazy to get up but this isn't true! Today I don't struggle with this so much and can pick up the phone 9 times out of 10 without panicking but sometimes out of the blue it still strikes me.What is worse is this seems to have spread to other parts of my life, although is entirely situational. If I am to meet a new person in the presence of a good friend I generally feel at ease and confident and don't find it difficult to make conversation. However if I am forced to meet somebody new alone I feel very self-conscious and find myself lost for words and only become more anxious and worried. I despise leaving the house alone and find it a genuine struggle to get on a bus alone and even harder still to go into town alone. For some strange reason I feel very paranoid and aware of the people around me and find myself worrying what they might think of me. Obviously this is irrational but it just seems to take a hold of me!I think it stems to having a complex about how I look? I do exercise outside the house but find myself looking into a mirror for 10 minutes before I go to make sure I look my hair looks ok which is ridiculous because I am just about to go and get all sweaty and look awful despite any effort I put in. People in the past have even gone as far as to say I am good looking but this just makes me embarrassed as I feel they are only saying this out of pity. Even so, not everyone looks like Brad Pitt so why should I be so worried? Sadly I have a reputation for being late due to sometimes not being able to leave the house straight away. I just have to hesitate at the door until I feel confident enough to open it. The worst part is I attended university earlier this year but found myself terrified of attending lectures alone and subsequently missed a fair few. I ended up dropping out mainly due to being unhappy with my course (but my fear in meeting people played a part in it too, I just didn't tell anyone that!).I am on a gap year now and am going to a London university this year. I really enjoy what I hope to be studying and MUST not let my insecurities get in the way of my education! Although I feel completely at ease about leaving home now I am worried the same thing might happen especially as London is such a busy place and I will be confronted with meeting a lot of new people entirely alone - my worst nightmare. I hope to use these next few months to try and overcome my fear before I reattend university. I become too embarrassed to talk to people face to face about my problem but need to tackle it. What on earth can I do? I am only just realising how much this has held me back over the years. Please help me!Thank you for reading!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2009): Hi there! You sound like a very nice and sweet guy, and I don't want you do have to deal with this forever! I bet a lot of people would like meeting you. Like other commenters said, it sounds like anxiety. I've dealt with it too, and seeing a counselor helped me. For me, it was connected to depression (and I ended up taking antidepressant medication), but it often comes by itself.
I actually understand the phone problem; I am normally very talkative and friendly, and I like meeting new people, but calling people on the phone freaks me out. I don't even like calling most of my friends; I feel awkward talking to them that way. I prefer seeing them in person or talking online. If we're making plans, I try to email or text them, rather than talk on the phone. I'm terrified of potential awkward silences, I guess, and I'm always anxious that I'm bothering them. It's hard to hear someone's voice but not see their face. There's a lot of other people who have that problem; I did a Google search not too long ago about it.
A
female
reader, bettynotsweaty +, writes (22 February 2009):
as emilysanswers said, it sounds like a bit of an anxiety disorder, and im sorry that it got so bad it affected your studies.
i know this is going to sound super scary, but the best bet is going to be to go see a doctor, or a university counsellor when you start again in september (uni counsellor is a good plan because then they are on your side from the word go). maybe take a friend along if this will help make discussing this easier, but having someone to work through this with will be invaluable, because it will be tough to break.
you can start helping yourself though - take small steps at doing the things that make you so anxious, and build them up - slowly. if it freaks you out first time do not blame yourself, because this is not exactly something you can control (yet).
you dont mention any third head, so i really doubt that people are staring at you due to your appearance - yes people rarely care that much about how others look, unless they are planning on sleeping with you, or consider you competition for someone they want to sleep with. in which case, consider it a compliment.
this will be difficult to sort out, but i promise it can be done!
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (21 February 2009):
Sounds like you have some kind of anxiety disorder. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Some people just find modern life very difficult to deal with.
In fact people have probably always felt this way, but just suffered because they didn't understand it.
Go and talk to your doctor and he might be able to give you something to calm your nerves, or recommend therapy to make your life easier to deal with.
Uni is very expensive so you should get this sorted and not let yourself get into massive debt for nothing if you could have just taken something herbal and been fine.
Do some research and there will be millions of simple exercises and coping mechanisms you can use to get through all this.
Good Luck!! xx
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