A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I just ended a two-year relationship. I initiated the breakup, but why am I the one having a hard time getting over him?Here's the background; it's complicated, so please bear with me: We met in early 2008, and we clicked immediately (he is 32, I am 36). We are both in good shape, and are each attractive. Things were wonderful, we were compatible, and for the first year it was just really great. We saw each other each weekend, and occasionally a night during the week. We also went on two mini-vacations, one in the summer and another in the fall, both of which were spectacular. But then we decided to move in together (this would be April 2009). And almost immediately things changed.We never fought or anything like that. There was no domestic friction at all in terms of living space, home habits, etc. We actually lived well together. But he became distant, and cold. We stopped having sex (except for maybe only a couple times). We were still getting along excellently, but it wasn't like before.A few months later, in July (2009), we were at a gay pride event. We saw a vendor selling rings, and we went over to take a look. We bought one another matching commitment rings, which we each wore until the breakup. But when we bought them, he seemed resistant, pensive, and almost sad. I couldn't figure it out.Later that nite, we sat down and I initiated a conversation about the relationship. I asked him if he thought we would ever get married. And he flat out said, "No, because I'm not out to my parents yet." I already knew he was in the closet, but his answer honestly shocked me, and long story short, the remainder of the conversation revealed how distant he truly had become. But we agreed we still wanted the relationship, so I was determined to do my part.Two months later, at the end of September, I was rushed to the hospital with a heart-related problem that came on suddenly, but was easily treatable (and I am okay now, thankfully). But over the next six weeks, while I was on a very strict treatment program, he never once asked how I was, never showed any concern, or demonstrated any affection whatsoever. He had become remarkably cold and distant. I could not figure out what was going on, but by this point I was becoming very sad and was beginning to have thoughts of ending things.Then came "the day". November 15, 2009. We had a friend over for dinner, and he suddenly blurted out to my bf, "So did you win at the casino the other day?" My jaw dropped!! Evidently my bf was blowing money at a casino not far from us, and was hiding it from me for months, a fact our friend was unaware of. My ex knew I had a problem with him going there because, quite frankly, things were comfortable but VERY tight money-wise, and there was no way we could afford to risk finances on gambling.So the next morning I confronted him about everything. The gambling, his emotional distance and coldness, his lack of concern for my welfare, the absence of sex, his still being in the closet at 33, etc. Instead of discussing the substantive issues I brought up, he started accusing me of infidelity, which absolutely blew my mind, and angered me to nearly the point of rage because I had never strayed.He said his suspicions began at the gay pride event a few months prior when he noticed gay men kept coming up to me and knew who I was, and he couldn't understand how I knew all these men (I work for a major retailer that attracts a very large gay clientele and is a huge sponsor of gay pride events, a fact he was aware of but nonetheless failed to put 2 and 2 together).I then asked him, "Why in the world did you not discuss these suspicions with me four months ago, especially when I had that talk with you that very night after we got home from the pride event??!!" All he could do was shrug and say, "I don't know."I ultimately asked him, "Do you want this relationship to work?" His answer: "Part of me does, part of me doesn't." That's when I told him I would not be fully committed to someone who was only partially committed to me, and who cannot communicate openly and honestly. That is when I said it is over. I moved out two weeks later, however before I did so I offered him an opportunity to reconcile, but he refused.It has now been five weeks since the breakup, and during that time he confessed to being unfaithful a mere three months into our relationship. I also learned that three days after I was released from the hospital back in September he had another man over our house (I was away that evening) and throughout my entire recovery he had been seeking sexual encounters with other men through gay hookup websites.It got worse. Over the last couple weeks I learned from several people we know mutually that he has been saying awful things about me, such as I took financial and emotional advantage of him. I became furious!!! I confronted him recently about this, and he apologized for what he had been saying, and confessed to our friends that what he was saying about me was untrue and wrong of him to do. I told him we each need to be able to move on but neither of us can do that if he keeps telling lies merely to elevate his own bruised ego.With closure finally on the horizon, I know I do not want to be in a relationship with him again, and he clearly does not want to either. I know I need to move on (eventually, and in time) to a much healthier and fulfilling relationship. Yet even with everything that has gone on since the breakup, why in the world am I the one having a hard time getting over him? I still miss him, and think of him a lot. I don't want to get back together at all, but getting over him has been unexpectedly difficult, even now. It's very strange for me.I seriously want to get over him, and get him out of my head. Insights, and even advice, would be much appreciated.
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gambling, get back together, infidelity, money, move on, moved out, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, sjo88  +, writes (6 January 2010):
My situation at the moment is similar to yours. its a lack of communication on their part! however mine is slightly more advanced than yours.. we split in the summer, however he continued to contact me and eventually we reconsiled, however things did not change as he would not change, he just lied more about things and about me to people which nocked my ego and made me completely paranoied.
In the end i went to a counciler and she said that i was in an abusive relationship and that if i didnt get out i would end up depressed. And i can see that you are already unhappy.
My suggestion is that you just walk away, you will never understand why he is like he is now, when everything was so perfect at the start! its just one of those things.
I know i will always love him and i am devastated but if you are not happy and things wont change what is the point!
Anyway, i wish you all the luck in the world!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello everyone. I'm the guy who left the original question. Thank you SO MUCH for your insights and advice. It's helped a great deal.
As each day goes by, things are getting a lot easier. A friend of mine told me two days ago that if I was able to get over things with a snap of a finger then something would really be wrong with me. She said (and I believe one of you who left a comment touched on this) that my grief was compounded after the breakup because of new revelations about things he had been doing (unbeknownst to me) during the relationship, and terrible and untrue things he was saying about me after the breakup. All of it just added more pain to grief, which is why my healing time is taking a little longer.
So I am going to allow myself a reasonable amount of time to get through this, get used to a new routine, and adjust to the changes this has suddenly brought.
At the end of the day I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am better off with him out of my life. He is an emotional abuser, a user, a player, and a manipulative passive-aggressive fraud. I have worked hard over the years to establish and maintain my self-respect and I absolutely refuse to permit people in my life who would be enemies to it.
I am determined to utilize this experience as a growth opportunity, turn this lemon into lemonade, and ultimately ensure that I come out of this stronger, happier, and healthier.
Thanks everyone!
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A
female
reader, Sometimes It Just Happens +, writes (26 December 2009):
Because you are used to their presence.
When you see them you will feel the same. Hang out with them just enough.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2009): I think you are being a little hard on yourself. You are still grieving even though you instigated the break-up. Also you are discovering new betrayals by your former partner during your relationship which is going to prolong the grieving period. Please give yourself as much time as you need to get over this relationship. My advice is to surround yourself with things that make you happy, be selfish and above all thank your lucky stars that you had the courage walk away from this destructive relationship. Good Luck.
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A
male
reader, Griffo  +, writes (26 December 2009):
 This is a rough guess to the root of the problem here but it seems to me, this is the case of the "unclosed book". Somewhere in his past its questionably possible he was in love with somebody who left him for no real reason or he loved dearly, he or she probably broke his heart but it was all left up in the air between them, and maybe since that time he has had a real problem with commitment because he thinks she may come back someday, or somthing along those lines. He may not even realise this is what he's doing and what its really doing to you.
Its almost as though as us men get older we seem to become less commited. But as women become older they become more commited. The opposite seems to happen when we are younger. where the girl is not as commited but the guy in most cases is once a relationship has developed.
In my personal view as I get older I do not want to commit, the older I get the stronger that becomes.
About him saying things behind your back its a good sign of his insecurities as a person.
About his gayness it says to me he's was likley gay for a long time before you met but still wanted to see if he's got the nack to get a real woman. I really hate when gay people still question there sexuality and fling back over the fence to see what its like only to realise they break someones heart ... that's just so 80's!
To get over him you just need time and space. Right now its just a comfort zone and as hard as that email or phone call is try not to call him or message or anything. Try starting a small course in something, like knitting or fishing or something that will help to keep your mind occupied, you'll also make new friends there. And try reading a book. or even learn a new language like French or Italian. learnign a new language really helps because it opens the doors to a complete new adventure in your life.
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