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male
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anonymous
writes: I need some help. My girlfriend and I have been dating for just about 2 and a half years. She currently lives in a different city and is coming home for 4 days this weekend. Lately I've been feeling that she has been more of my best friend, than my girlfriend. I don't feel like the attraction is there anymore. When she came home last month, something seemed very different. I wasnt' sure what, but now that i've had time to think about it I think it's that i don't love her anymore. She's home for 4 days here, and she's mainly coming here to see her friend who just got engaged. I don't know if this weekend would be an appropriate time to do this. The next time I would see her would be Christmas time. I'm not sure what to do. I feel like I'd be abandoning her and just leaving her to drown. I still want to maintain a good friendship with her, because she is such an awesome person, I just don't feel like she's the right one. Another dimension to my confusion is that she is five years older than me, almost to the day. I'm 18, and she's 23. She's going to be looking to get hitched. soon and when this happens I'm not going to be ready for that. She tells me that when she's done her schooling next year, she wants me to move in with her and for her to take care of me. I don't want this at all. I'm too traditional for that. She also tells me that I'm the one for her. She says that out of all the boyfriends she's had, I've made her the happiest, which is fine, but she tells me sometimes that I'm the one she wants to be with. I'm not ready for that, and it sometimes just makes me cringe to think of that. I don't want to get married. I'm not even sure if I'm still wanting a girlfriend. It has been eating me up for the past while and I'd like to get it done with, but I'm not sure that I want to ruin her weekend. Could someone please give me some advice on what to do, because I'm stumped...
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female
reader, giordana  +, writes (11 December 2005):
you may not want to ruin her visit, but in the long run it would be better to talk to her sooner rather than later, as if she finds out you were planning to do this for a long time, she will probably end up feeling more hurt. if this woman truely does love you then i think she would understand that at your age you are just ready to make such commitments such as marriage and moving in with her. you are still young and should either be out here enjoying life and meeting new people or be in a relationship that makes you happy, you should not be in a relationship that is going to make you feel supressed. also if you are cringing when she mentions her plans for the both of you then that should be a clear sign to you that this really is not the relationship or woman for you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2005): You have to risk ruining her weekend. dear or this may get put off forever. There's only one way to do this-and that is as honestly and as compassionately, as possible. The sooner the better, dear. Just do it and really be respectful of her feelings. The key is to do it maturely, without deliberate pain, so that you can both move on with your lives and find someone better suited for you both. A relationship really needs two fully committed people, so if one of you doesn't want to be in the relationship any more, it's best for BOTH of you to end it. That's the key message to get across. Don't get into lots of blame-finding. There is always fault on both sides in a relationship that fails. Make sure you sit down face to face somewhere quiet. Never break up over the phone or via email, that's completely unfair. A relationship is based on trust and dependability - don't prove you're unworthy of that in the final hour. Sit down and explain it's not going to work. If your partner has questions, answer them as fairly as you can, but without going into lots of back-stabbing. Breaking up isn't about finding fault. It's about you both being able to find "closure" to this relationship so you are able to then move on to a new one.
It's really in both of your best interests to end this cleanly. If you can both accept that this was simply not meant to be, and that somewhere out there a new person awaits which IS perfect for each of you, you might even be able to stay friends. Or if not, you can look back on your time together as an enjoyable experiment which just didn't work out the way you'd originally hoped. Good Luck, dear
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A
female
reader, rn_bound04 +, writes (10 November 2005):
If you don't love this girl anymore you should tell her. That is being fair to her and to yourself. Don't stay in a downward spiraling relationship just because it's comfortable, because you will only end up disliking her for your misery. And you may lose her as a friend all together.
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