A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 32 years old and I've been married for almost 6 years now. While my wife is a wonderful person, a great friend and I do love her dearly in a "family" type of way, I feel absolutely no passion or physical chemistry in our relationship. She is an attractive girl, but absolutely not my type. She has several character traits that irritate me to a great extent. On top of all this, she is a very fragile person emotionally and psychologically. The first few years I've worked hard to make her happy, playing the role of a perfect husband and making sure she does not suspect anything. All the time I was hoping my feelings toward her would change. They didn't, and a couple of years ago I ended up stressing myself to the point of having anxiety attacks. At that point I decided to talk to her. I could not bring myself to end the relationship because I knew that it would kill her, but we did agree on working together to improve ourselves and improve our relationship. Now over a year has passed, we've had a few more conversations, some things are changing for the better, but I still don't feel attracted to her as woman. I don't know what to do. I realize all of this could've been averted had I had the will to end the relationship a long time ago. A divorce would crush my wife, and I am not sure if she will ever recover completely. She has very low self-esteem and she will definitely take this as a sign that it was all her fault, she is not good looking enough, not smart enough, etc. It won't matter what I say to her. I am afraid that if we stay married, we will drive each other mad, but at the same time I am really worried about her reaction to a divorce. Any ideas or thoughts?
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female
reader, CourtneyAwesome  +, writes (30 March 2011):
I'm sorry that you're going through such a tough time right now. You really should talk to her and tell her how you feel. I mean there is NOO possible way that you two can be married because you honestly don't want to be with her and if you stay you're going to be truly unhappy and drive yourself mad. Yes she will be hurt but people have got to move on. You never know maybe your true love is out here somewhere waiting for you to find her. But first you got to take this first step. I wish you the best of luck my friend!
A
female
reader, We_All_Feel_The_Same +, writes (30 March 2011):
Rough situation. Have you guys had any outside counseling? Your wife sounds like she has her own personal issues that cause her to need some kind of approval.. While I don't think it is your responsibility to baby her (because you are never going to fix her; people need to change those things for themselves) getting a divorce is a long, heart-breaking, money-sucking process. Are you sure you're doing everything you can? Are you two celibate for argument's sake? Maybe you two can go to a sex therapist if that is the predominant issue.Another thing to consider, if you have her pinned in your mind as a certain kind of person (like the ticks she has that bother you have been bothering you for so long that you don't see her through untainted eyes anymore) you may be misconstruing her often, which could in turn re-frustrate her.Good luck and make sure you exploit your options before you take the divorce. If things are clearly NOT going to work out after that, don't drag it out for her any longer than you have to.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (29 March 2011):
 The longer you stay the more paranoid you get. You know the separation would happen inevitably you just don't want to deal with it now. Don't just shove divorce papers in her face. I am sure you have talked your problems through a lot and nothing has changed. A gentler way is to prepare for a break up for both you and her. The more you repeat the topic, the less shocking it becomes when it actually happens. Give her a chance to state her side of the story and how that would or would not change your decision. You also have to give her examples of what you find attractive and that it is futile for her to change into something that's not her. Attraction is a very ambiguous thing so make sure you use the correct words to define what you mean but in a sensitive way.
It's not your responsibility to make her feel more attractive. Before talking about break up you can explain that you are hiding behind a happy face and that all that husband wife role playing did not really bring passion in the relationship. Apologize that you led her on for all these years but you loved her enough to be work on the relationship. The most important thing is to emphasize that you indeed loved her, you tried but have no energy to try anymore.
If staying in the marriage keeps her self esteem high, then that self esteem is false because you are playing martyr here to protect her feelings. A marriage certificate does not protect the relationship if there is no connection or attraction. Ending the relationship would give her the wake up call to work on herself, do some soul searching on why she has those annoying character traits.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2011): You should definitely talk to her and help her understand how you feel. I think it will be best to let the marriage go now rather than later. Both of you will hurt now but long term, you'll be happier.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (29 March 2011):
 hi
tell her how you feel. you say that divorcing her would crush her but how is being married to a man who feel this way about her any better than divorce, really?? maybe you should go your separate ways and she may then be free to find someone who can love her and be attracted to her and happy with her, and you also may be able to find the right partner.
it sounds like (for whatever reason) your marriage was a mistake. these things happen. there is no need to let a mistake be with you forever. this goes against all the marriage vows, i know, but the fact is: divorce happens.
do you think that talking or marriage guidance could help first though before you do anything drastic? do you feel stressed or depressed and maybe this is colouring your judgement of your wife. if someone has a problem within them self, very often the person will have negative thoughts about their partner because they are the one closest to them.
xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2011): hi i totally feel your pain.. Either way you will be made out to be the bad guy. you are doing yourself or your wife no favours by staying together.. I was with man for 8years that was in love with another woman and even though he didn't admit this, it was obvious! im sure your wife is aware of your feelings.. Its best you sit her down explain how much you love her but not in love with her and that you dont want waste anymore of her time, where she can meet someone that truly loves her.. If you don't do this you will end up having an affair resulting in her finding out and been heart broken. if you speak out now least she will know its not over another woman. the best of luck! WARNING! this my no means is going to be easy but in time you will both be happy again
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