A
female
age
30-35,
*en1689
writes:I'm in such a difficult spot right now, and I don't know where to turn.My parents have been my everything my entire life. They've been my inspiration, my best friends, my counselors, my teachers, my source for strength and comfort, my providers... Everything.They are undoubtedly two of the most wonderful and strongest people I know. There's not been a moment when I've wanted to escape their presence. All my life they've stood by me and each other. They've always kept my best interests at heart, and they've always encouraged me to do my best and be the best I can be. They're not judgmental or selfish, and they've been through more than I can bear to think of.They met when my mother was in the middle of a divorce (her second) while my father was working as a manager at a grocery store. She already had my brother from a previous marriage (her first), and he was already five years old once she met my father. She pursued him first, and he rejected her advances. Then when she blew him off, he pursued her, and they've been together ever since.They conceived me only a year into their marriage, and I was born premature and with a load of health problems. I was in and out of hospitals and I was diagnosed with asthma at age two. They had my brother Adam when I had just turned two. He was a happy baby, and such a joy to be around. Unfortunately, though, he choked on a ribbon in his crib one night and passed away.This was apparently very hard on my parent's marriage, as well as my older brother. My mother was devastated and went into a deep depression. She wanted to talk about the situation and release her emotions, whereas my father didn't, and kept his emotions inside. This drove a huge wedge between them, and my mother wound up having an affair and getting pregnant. She confessed to my father immediately after it happened, and got an abortion. My father forgave her, and they continued their marriage.After my brother's death, my older brother lost a couple more of his good friends to freak accidents. Not to mention, he was in a car accident with my mother when he was younger where he hit his head. He soon developed Bipolar Disorder. This caused him to act out in school, to where no one would accept him anymore. He soon began to experiment with drugs, alcohol, sex, and getting in trouble with the law.My parents dealt with my brother being arrested on a number of occasions, having pregnancy and STD scares, court dates, runaways, theft, damage to properties, suicide threats, etc. This put a lot of strain on their marriage, and caused a lot of financial hardships. They did, however, shelter me from knowing most everything. I wasn't made aware of the severity of my brother's behavior until my mid- to late-teens.While my brother was acting out, my parents showered me with love and affection. This is how I came to build such a strong connection to them. I chose to spend time with them over most everyone else. I've been living out of their home now for 4 1/2 years, and I'm just now learning that things are taking a turn for the worst...My parents have both been very successful as far as careers are concerned. From what I understand, between the two of them, they've brought in six figures. They've both worked for software companies for most of their marriage and have mainly worked from home. This has been very advantageous to them as they love to travel. We've moved a total of ten times only since I was born, not to mention to moves prior to my birth.Up until about two years ago, both of my parents worked for a software company based out of London, England (my uncle's company). My father then got in touch with an old college friend who told them of a business venture that they had undertaken which promotes self-worth and the power of positive thinking to increase the happiness, wealthiness, and overall well-being of people's lives. From what I understand, it required an initial investment, and then self-promotion after that.My parents were in it together at first, but after months of seeing no progress, my mother eventually got fed up and let my father continue on his own. It's now been two years...My mother has told me that she's been the only one bringing in money for the past two years. Her salary has been just enough to cover the basics and some splurging for us kids and grandkids (my brother's kids). She said that she's been nothing but stressed for two years straight, watching my father's business plan fail, and yet he can't seem to get out of this funk and find another job. When I've spoken to my father, he's told me that he feels as though he's lost his self-esteem and that he's tired of the industry he was in. He says that if he quits now he'll feel like he's failed. He wants so badly for it to work.My mother has sobbed in front of him, begged him, threatened to leave him, given him ultimatums, being straight forward with him - everything, but he just hasn't changed. He's still a wonderful person, and when I talk to him, he doesn't sound sad, or upset, or hurt. In fact, he sounds very optimistic, and positive, and hopeful. Something's just not clicking with him, and no one understands it...My mother just a couple days ago told me that their houses (two in Arizona) are only going to be covered until March, at which time her salary will run out. Apparently because my father hasn't been making anything, their life savings is gone. My mother has told me that once their houses get sold/foreclosed on, she is going to look for a place for herself, and that if my father doesn't want to go with her, then he doesn't have to. She said she still loves him, but she has to look out for herself now.I hate seeing this happen to my parents' relationship. I feel like they've gotten through a lot worse than this, and so for such resentment to grow between them over financial issues is surprising. I want to help them more than anything. I've tried to communicate openly with both of them, but they're so wrapped up in everything that's going on, that nothing seems to sink it. I don't know what to do. I'm desperate here. I don't want to see the two people that I love more than anything in this world (other than my husband and brother) fall apart like this. It doesn't seem fair. I don't know what I'll think of my own marriage if theirs fails. How can I last if two people who seem meant for each other fall apart? I don't know what I'll do. I'm trying so hard to be strong for them like they've always been for me, but this is honestly one of the most difficult things I've ever had to go through. Anyone with ANY advice, please help me...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2011): "I don't know what I'll think of my own marriage if theirs fails."
OP, try not to think of it this way because this will make your own happiness dependent on one and only one outcome for THEM which you can't control what someone else will choose to do, and they shouldn't have to feel that they can't do what they really want or feel is right for themselves because of your reaction.
while I know you love your parents very much and care for their welfare, I think also that you can't help but be emotionally invested in trying to make them stay together because for your own sake not just for theirs. But I think that, like the other poster below said, to be really supportive of them you have to allow them to make whatever choices they feel is right for themselves at this stage in their life because their marriage is their business and separate from your relationship with them and certainly completely separate from your marriage to your husband.
Your parents are very strong people, they've been through a lot. whether they choose to stay married or not they will get through this too as they have proven many times they are survivors!
reading your description of their marital history, I can't say for sure that I think they have/had a good marriage. And that's alright because now is a time of change where the idea is to try and make things better. Staying together physically while hard times come and go doesn't necessarily mean the relationship between them was or is good, their relationship could actually improve if they are no longer married to each other. It's really up to them and how they are seeing it in the context of their lives, it's not up to you to decide that the correct path is for them to stay together and maintain the status quo.
But it's scary for you because you have a lot emotionally invested in them staying together because you've mentally made your own marriage's success in a way dependent on theirs, and I think that's something you should try to get away from doing. Try to support them in finding their own inner peace and happiness as individuals, don't try to prescribe to them that their path for peace is through their marriage because that's not for you to know or decide but only between the two of them to explore if they want to, or to reject if they've decided that. if in the end they stay together or separate but then get back together, that's great for you but really it's for them.
Just an aside, many seemingly happy and 'solid' couples maybe married for many years, suddenly divorce to everyone else's shock. I say "seemingly happy" because actually they were very unhappy for a long time just didn't tell anyone (nor should they be expected to). Most people are conditioned that divorce equates to personal failure and moral degeneration and thus will go to great lengths to stay together on the outside despite unhappiness to avoid those social consequences, and in the meantime conceal their marital unhappiness so that no one around them will know and judge them a failure. They may freely express unhappiness and frustration and seek advice about their careers or other life situations which are not so morally loaded as the issue of marriage. Then after a long time of unhappiness if and when they finally cross a threshold mentally where they are ready to end the marriage, which can take years or even decades to reach that stage, their announcement shocks their friends and family.
I've had two relatives go through this in the last few years: my sister in law suddenly announced one day that she and her husband of 23 years were divorcing, when just the week before they were still hosting parties together, going on family vacations together, being so happy together and showed no sign of discord. Over the next few months once the news was out, she revealed to me that she had been desperately unhappy and miserable for at least 17 years but hid it and told no one not even her best friend because it's no one else's business what goes on in her marriage and she didn't want to be judged by anyone let alone pressured to feel differently from how she was feeling, and I respect that. Ironically she had been going to a counselor for a few years to cope with her unhappiness, she felt it easier to confide to a stranger for help than to family and friends who would judge her for being unhappy in her marriage and again I can respect that. No one knew she had been going to a counselor either. she put on the perfect facade, as did her husband. And they did it for 17 years. All that was 4 years ago, now she's met a new man and got re-married and is happy for the first time in her life or so she says and indeed she does seem different and truly happier.
My aunt also recently left her husband of 30 years. Apparently he had gambled their life savings away and she couldn't take it anymore since this had been going on for their entire marriage on and off which means for 30 years. their marriage apparently was one big never ending roller coaster behind the scenes, and after 30 years she said "I've had enough I can't do this anymore." And no one can fault her for that. But she never told anyone how unhappy she was, again because people are conditioned to stay married no matter what because staying together equates to virtue (or so the belief goes) so they do it until they get too worn out. then when they divorce it comes as a total surprise to everyone else who see it as a "new" problem that just started happening and rush in with their advice and proceed to judge them for divorcing their "loyal spouse who's been by your side for 30 years, over this surely you can work it out"..um, no..I've learned the moral of the story is don't judge anyone else's marriage because you only see the surface. Similarly, don't compare your marriage to someone else's because you are an insider in your own marriage, and an outsider in everyone else's.
so with your parents, respect their right to change their lives because they've been struggling a lot. Don't try to make them stay together for your own sake, just so you can feel more comforted about your own marriage. It's not like that at all. you're projecting your anxieties onto them, ..which is not going to help them. If you want to support them, offer to help them in whatever way they ask of you, and give them encouragement that things will get better but don't get involved in their relationship issues between them. Don't for example say to your mom, "How can you leave dad now? can't you see he means well!" and don't say to your dad, "you need to give up your business dream in order to try to get mom back!"...
encourage them that things will get better whatever they decide to do, and that you will support their decisions. If they get back together because they truly want to, then hey that's great. If not and they move on in separate directions and maybe further down the road really "find themselves" for the first time in their lives as individuals, shouldn't that be celebrated as well?
whatever happens you will still be a family, they will still be your parents and there's no reason you can't continue to have a great relationship with each of them.
sending lots of positive thoughts your way!
A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (10 December 2011):
 Hi jen1689,
You have an amazing family... I admire the strengh and the love...
Your mom and dad are truly great survivors. They've proven numerous times.... God has given your family all these responsibilities because God knows you can handle and trust your family.
You mentioned your parents have 2 properties in Arizona? Your parents still have a chance to protect what's left.... Still hope, so don't give up. It's very crucial the decisions your parents make now... I guessing your father has been really stress with his business the past 2 years, and now it's taking a tow. He's stress, tired, lost self confidence... Also, he's probably embarrassed infront of your mom. As a man, must be hard to admit he was wrong and your mother was right. It's a man thing... I admire your dad being so responsible and he has a lot of integrity.
You need to have a family meeting. I know you tried talking to them, but you need to do again. Make sure you find the right time, have a honest talk, this talk can save your family assets, and more importantly save your family. Open, honest, serious, heart to heart talk. What your father needs to understand is that the business is not his fault, it was a bad investment and it happens to anybody, even smart, business genius go through something similar at one point of their lives. People make mistakes, bad decisions, but what's more important is to get out.... Tell your dad that you understand that the pain of loosing money must be unbearable, but he needs to forget, and he needs to work on a new plan together with your mom... Tell him not to feel embarrassed, forget his pride, tell him that you, your mom and brother love him unconditionally and your family will never judge him. Forget the past and concentrate in the future. Tell him to relax his mind for a week, settle his heart, stop feeling bad and guilty.
I know that your mom and dad can overcome this difficult time if they work together. They did before, and I am sure they can do it again. Love, support, being calm, will guide your family to the right way.
God bless your family...
Good luck/best wishes...
Hope your family have a wonderful holidays.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (10 December 2011):
I'm so sorry to hear of the stress your going through and the sadness you're experiencing. Your parents have certainly been through a lot, and I'm glad that they were and still are excellent parents and that you have such a close loving relationship with both of them. This is really something to be treasured.
A few things that come to mind:
They will always be your parents - your wonderful relationship with them will not change even if they decide to split up.
Even if they separate, you don't know if it will be just temporary because their relationship is something that's between them and there's a lot you don't know about it.
"I hate seeing this happen to my parents' relationship. I feel like they've gotten through a lot worse than this, and so for such resentment to grow between them over financial issues is surprising"
with all due respect, I think that your perception of your parents' marriage is probably very different from theirs because they are the ones who are actually in their marriage, not you. thus, it's not for you to judge that what they've been through before was "worse" than what they're going through now, or that they're being unreasonable/wrong/foolish for separating over this.
First of all, dont' underestimate the seriousness of financial problems in a marriage. Financial problems are often a major cause of divorce and relationship strain. Money isn't just money - for many people it is fundamentally tied to other things like power, freedom, morality, self-esteem, security, fear,... don't underestimate the power of financial problems to destroy relationships. Money issues are not superficial because how one partner chooses to spend money is also a reflection of their personal values and attitudes on a lot of other areas in life. If the other spouse strongly disagrees then the conflict is not just over dollars it's about how they see these other life issues. And how spouses handle financial problems has a lot to do with how their relationship is to one another and how much they respect and trust each other. This is why having deep financial problems is a red flag for many marriages.
Another thing too is that even though your parents' marriage lasted through tragedies like your younger brother's death, your sicknesses when you were a child, and your older brother's troubled life, that is not in and of itself an indication that it's a strong marriage. Tragedies and hardships do not by themselves make marriages stronger, just as often they weaken marriages.
Aside from the fact that (as I just mentioned) financial problems are not "just" about money but actually about deeper relationship issues and personal issues, it could also be the case that after going through so many problems their marriage wasn't strengthened but weakened successively with each crisis, and now this is finally the straw the broke the camels' back. This may be a hard view to accept if you have always idealized their marriage, but realize that only the spouses in the marriage really know what's going on and how they truly feel, no one else (not even their kids that they have close relationship with) are privy to what happens behind closed doors or in their innermost minds and you only know what they choose to reveal to you and many people choose to hide their marital problems from the rest of their family or even to themselves as a coping mechanism.
Thus to me it sounds like your parents have had a very difficult marriage that had a lot of deep cracks in it, and it's not surprising to me that present serious financial troubles could be the final nail in the coffin. They probably sheltered you from a lot of their problems as people often do, thus this all comes as a big surprise to you and you can't understand why they should be falling apart now over this.
I'm not trying to sound negative or discouraging, just trying to maybe help make some sense of the situation which may help you to deal with it more effectively.
"It doesn't seem fair. I don't know what I'll think of my own marriage if theirs fails. How can I last if two people who seem meant for each other fall apart? "
Your marriage has nothing to do with theirs because you are different people and have different situations. Don't idealize their marriage, is all I'm saying. You don't know what really went on behind closed doors because all you see and know about their relationship is what they chose to reveal to you. I'm not saying it was wrong of them to shelter you from the truth - as parents they probably felt it was in their kids' best interest to not witness their parents' marital problems. I mean obviously they did tell you of the history of their problems since you know objectively what went on. But you dont' know how they really felt or their innermost thoughts. You haven't experience the level of despair they felt when your younger brother died. You don't know firsthand (unless you can read minds!) the darkness of their depression, or whether your father truly forgave your mother when she got pregnant by another man. Or how she felt when she had the abortion...and how much "recovered" they were from these hardships versus what still lingers on...those are all deeply personal pains that people don't often share with anyone else, and they are pains that people carry around for a long time, maybe for their entire lives. These things all affect their relationship to each other.
So basically, you can't "know" that your parents were "meant for each other" because you don't have access to their deepest feelings and emotions. Your father, especially, seems like someone who keeps his emotions hidden. I would say what's more likely is that your parents were experiencing pain and suffering in their relationship to each other for many years, but gallantly tried their best to stay together and put on a brave face to hide their pain from the rest of the family and maybe also as a coping mechanism for themselves (so it's not like they were intentionally being dishonest to you, they really were trying) and now this is just the last straw. So to you this rift seems very new and out of the blue, but to them it's inevitable and has been headed this way for many years.
But again, your marriage has nothing to do with it, you are your own entity. Realize that your parents' relationship to each other is private between them and probably is not what you thought it was. But that doesn't have any bearing on your marriage because you are not your parents and you are not living the same life as them.
Your parents will always be your parents and they will always be the same loving, wonderful people that you've always known. That will not change. They may decide that they have to now move on in different directions, and that's their right. I think that to be strong for your parents and to support them, you should accept whatever they decide to do and supporting that decision even if it is to separate, and not try to pressure them to stay together because it's what you want (it would make you feel better). They're going through another difficult time right now, so they need your acceptance and support. Spend time with them individually, encourage them to share with you their feelings, without judging them or trying to influence them otherwise. Just let them know that if they need anything, you will be there for them.
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