A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid, I have been in a relationship with a married man for about a year. Initially, I rejected him few times but due to his persistent pursue on me had made me feel touched and I fell for him in just months. I was a very conservative person. The thought of having a relationship with a married man was a BIG NO to me until I, myself, stumbled upon it. He is 20 years older than me and has been very patient with me. Probably because of his work that requires him to travel around. He comes to my place once a month, we rarely meets but will take on romantic encounters when he is in town. I think the relationship is totally absurd but cant help being dragged into it. Few times I asked him what would be the future for us. He always mentions that he needs sometime. So I brave myself up to give me the time he needs. One year is approaching very soon, I need to have an end to this unhealthy relationship. No matter how good he is he would never leave his family. Who am i to ask for all this when he already have a happily married family life for 20years although he claims that he has lost his trust in his wife that often shouts and yells at him. I have never wanted to ruin his family life. I am very darn sure of what I am supposed to do but then I enjoy what we go through presently. He has been recently diagnosed with a colon cancer, I am just scared if I will regret in tears for not to have shared some moments with him.I am looking for a way to divert my attention to work and contact lesser with him. He has actually taught me lots of things, he teaches me trading and driving, and for that I am grateful and always tell myself that he has done the best possible for me. Pretty stupid justification from my side. There is no question that I would need to leave him one day but the question is when. Feel free to give your views on this. Thank you and I hope ppl having same problem as me can come forward to share with me your experience.
View related questions:
married man Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, meganstar  +, writes (5 August 2008):
This is the exact same situation I am caught in too. Except that we live in the same city and meet everyday. He is involved in everything I do. If I should stop seeing him then I should leave this place. But I'm here to make a living and don't know anyone else here. Initially, we got along because I was considering adoption not marrying at all but aftr living alone for abt an year I know I don't wanna be alone all my life. I want to have a family. This is when the problem has risen.
Tom I totally agree with what you say. And sexylildevil, I understand. I know it's not easy to break out but it's not right to continue either.
We are all looking for the same solution!
A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (5 August 2008):
 Like all people caught in this situation, you have boundary issues. There is a stench of disrespect that permeates these kinds of arrangements and I commend you for finally noticing the smell.
This manipulator and liar will use you until the very end. If I can tell that your guilt is a strong guide for your behaviour then your married man must feast on it.
Your inner voice is still working on a correctly aligned moral compass, but right now guilt is drowning out that voice. Everyone but you benefits from your guilt. When you choose to stop appeasing your guilt you will see things very differently.
There are many others out there with whom you can have a healthy relationship where boundaries are respected. There is nothing like the freedom that comes with those kinds of relationships. You can do it, but the initial steps are hard work. Good luck and take care.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2008): It's a difficult situation to be in. I'm also in love with a married man who wants to leave his wife and children to be with me. I adore him and would love nothing more but can't allow him to do it as his wife still loves him and sends him texts begging him to give it another go.
No matter how you feel about this man he is off limits and it is best to end it now however difficult that may be. I ended contact with my man 3 months ago and it's still absolute hell and I miss him so much. It's just very selfish to try and steal somebody elses man, particularly when there's no guarantee's it will work if you were together.
When you're having an affair it's very difficult to differentiate lust and love. That's the problem when you make things more permanent.
Someone recommended I set up an email account to send messages to when I want to speak to him - that really helps. I can tell him what I'm thinking without the 'risk' that he'll respond. It's also worth focusing upon yourself more and getting some hobbies to take up some of your thinking time.
Good luck but I would strongly recommend ending it. There's no guarantees it will work and you would be stealing this man from a woman who loves him.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2008): Anonymous, I don't doubt your feelings for this man, nor do I say he has no feelings for you. I am sure you care for each other...but, as you said yourself, it is an "unhealthy" relationship. You will never be a part of his most personal life,..his family. And you can not have another life of your own as long as you are involved with him. You will always be the "second woman" in his life regardless of his feelings. You are too young for this, dear. You know you will never have a family or children of your own with him. And you should be free to have those things. Think about these things...Best wishes. Tom
...............................
A
female
reader, sexylildevil +, writes (3 August 2008):
 Sadly I have to say I am in almost the exact same position you are in and I have to say there is no easy way out. People who are not in the same situation will tell you thats not true of course because for them the easy way out is to just break off all contact with the man and then go about your way and let him get back to his wife and work things out with her but it really isnt that simple. The guy I am curently seeing is actually my best friend and has been for the past 5 years or so. There is no way that i can just up and cut all contact with him i love him to much to do that. Like you when all this first started out i resisted his advances and we kept it strictly as friends but he wore me down and told me how much he loved me and needed me. Well one day we slipped and slept together and we have been now every since then and that was over a year ago. We go through periods where we dont see each other for months at a time because we live 50 miles away from each other but every time I go to my sisters who lives in the same town he does he comes to see me as long as he can sneak out without his wife giving him the third degree. See his wife is very controling and has been even before he started cheating on her. Anyway i know what I am doing is a big no no but there is no way to break it off without ruining our friendship and I love him way to much to never talk to him again. i wish i had an answer for you but my answer is there is no easy answer. You are not going to be able to end it with him till you are good and ready to move on and as sad as it is to say you are probably right he is never going to leave his wife. I wish I could have been more help but if you ever need anyone to talk to just let me know and I will talk with you because I know exactly what your going through. Hope things go well for you.
...............................
|
