A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok, so I had a talk with my boss the other day. She sensed I seemed nervous around her and decided to ask me why. I didnt really have an answer for her. Later that day she started telling me about her husband and how he is abusive. I started crying and said I can relate because my dad is abusive. She told me she could tell... This kind of shocked me because I thought I hid it well. Anyway we had a 3 hour conversation about it, my father, her mother, her husband, etc. My problem is now, I am more messed up than ever. She told me about her anger over her mother abusing her and how it messed up her first marriage. And it's like I had an epiphany, all of my relationships thus far have been messed up. Just to sum up, this is my father- Hits my mother, my younger sister, threatened all of our lives more than once, pays for televisions and a 4 story house but not for my medication (I have CF), needs everything brought/made for him, controls every aspect you can think of, calls us stupid/fat/bitches, locked my 24 year old sister upstairs and beat her to the point she had to leave, now none of us are allowed contact with her (not even my mother, who also isn't allowed to talk to anyone in her family), my mom isn't allowed friends and must be with him at all times - like he is a 5 year old... just a few examples. There are many more. I have anger problems, trust issues, control issues... I never related them to my father though. I talked to my sister who said she has the same problem and my oldest sister is in the process of a divorce. Don't get me wrong, I am not blaming my dad for how I am. I am my own person. I have always thought of myself as a strong person. Now I don't know anymore. I feel unstable and unhealthy, if that makes any sense. I'm scared I will not be able to hold on to any relationship. They may say they understand, but I know deep down they don't and my controlling and anger gets old, I know it. What I don't know is if I just take after my dad? Or is it a deep stated anger in me at my dad? I need to see a psychologist but I have been unable to do so yet. Also I am not the same as my father at all. I would NEVER hit someone or lay a hand on my child. Thus making me think I do not take after him, just that I am still angry with him. I have the biggest fear I will end up with someone like him, to avoid it I leave anyone who gives me the slightest sign (punches holes in walls, extreme jealousy, laziness to the point of expecting his wife/gf to serve him, etc). To be honest I'm not sure what my question is. I would like to hear if someone else understands where I am at at all. Should I stay alone until I sort myself out? I'm so very confused right now. I don't want to ruin future relationships because of my father. My boss said the controlling factor in me is there because all my life I have been controlled. How do I get over the anger I have for him? I still live at home and deal with this everyday. Don't ask me to leave, I have only a small means of support and nowhere to go. Any help would be appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, a lot. I'm going to take the advice to heart. I'm hoping the controlling issue isn't as bad as I think it is like you say. Thank you for taking the time to read.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2008): Hi, of course there are people out there who can relate to you, I for one grew up in a household where my Dad was psychologically abusive and very controlling, not to the degree that your Dad was, but it was bad enough being a teenager in that house. I bet you can't wait to get out, for me college was my ticket out, and I have never lived at home since.
The good news is that as I got older, I learned more about my Dad, he had a rough childhood and it made him who he is, he is a retired businessman and a lot of people really like him and look up to him in our community....he is basically a good person...it is just that he had problems in his marriage to my mother because he was a child of divorce when divorce was looked down on, he grew up in the western plains of Kansas on a farm and he had a hard life, and parents that were stressed and unhappy, all the boys were successful, a doctor, a business exec with an MBA, and my Dad a graduate entomoligst, their Mom was a teacher in a one room school house, and education was important to her..
So the moral of this story is you can come from a dysfunctional abusive home and make something of yourself, you can choose to not enter into abusive relationships or be abusive yourself it is a choice.
My father now that he is older, has changed and mellowed and now I can have a real relationship with him....he never got help, but I did....
You are intelligent and that is going to serve you well, you are going to survive this upbringing, in fact it has made you who you are....being a control person is not that bad, you are decisive, you would make a good boss or business owner, and your boss recognized herself in you.
You shouldn't feel unstable just because she brought up some repressed feelings in you, however, I think it is time to see that psychologist....if you do so, it doesn't mean you are weak or broken, it takes a lot of personal strength to look at this stuff and do the work. You really should stay out of a relationship while you are working on your issues, you owe to yourself to be healthy so that you can attract and recognize a healthy mate....if you do fall into a relationship when you are feeling lost like you do, it can really mess you up, delay your growth and maybe hurt both of you....so in my opinion do that work on yourself on your own....and there will be a happy outcome, I promise.
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