| A
age
30-35,
*
writes: I would like to say opposites attract..! I am quite a high strung person, I used to be very laid back in relationships until I was faced with some pretty stressful ones over the years...I finally found a guy who is A) relatively normal B) isn't a crazy person. Only issue is, his laid back behaviour tests my patience a lot, he has made a few mistakes which have made me very nervous - HOWEVER... i am naturally a VERY anxious person. Basically i want to talk to my boyfriend about his behaviour recently, but am scared I will lose him as a consequence, as he will think I am 'nit picking'. My boyfriend is very understanding whenever I talk to him, and he says that he never wants to hurt me. We get on so very well when we are together...He is not necessarily the romantic type, but he is very couple-y which is what I love a lot about him. However due to some circumstances I have come to be rather anxious and nervous, and fear I am eventually going to push him away...When we became 'officially together' it was wonderful until he invited me to a party where I knew no one there. Initially it was great, he introduced me to everyone, yet it turned into madness very quickly when he started drinking a lot. He ended up being very flirtatious with his ex (Claire) by tickling her and pulling her close...something he should have been doing to me. I was devastated but acted cool at the party to avoid being seen as the clingy girlfriend. it was only till we got back that I burst into tears as I put him to bed (as he was so drunk). We spoke about it and he did apologise about it, and understands he has not helped with my confidence. However... it was only then when he got drunk on another occasion he ended up lying about sharing a bed with another girl (best friend of 10 years, and he says there was no sex..or well any physical contact), Normally I'd be OK with this as sometimes my guy mates and I go camping and we all end up huddled up in a tent...yet given the first disaster... I didn't feel too confident. Once again we spoke about this, me in tears, and he apologised and said how really terrible he felt (I know this was legit).Yet..His birthday has just gone, and unfortunately I had to work part of it, he said he couldn't give me a lift to work as he was 'going to his parents' (yet he is so laid back with his plans, so he isn't very precise like me). I then received a text saying that he has instead seen his ex for a brief amount of time (Sas), because apparently she wanted her citizenship papers signed, and he was her apparent last resort. Now this was probably actually nothing more than what he said...but all this mess form previous circumstances got me dreaming up other ideas. It was great he was honest with me and told me about it, and he asked me not to over think it or be nervous (he could tell I was upset). But even still he told me AFTER she was over, so I had no chance to say I didn't feel comfortable with it, even though he knew. I then began to think, maybe he said he couldn't give me a lift because he was actually seeing her and didn't want to admit it (I did challenge him and he did say this wasn't the case).I know I may be dreaming up scenarios, as he is friends with this ex (and they dated for apparently less than 2 months- and hey! I am friends with some of my ex's, but hey I am anxious.).But it was the fact I told him I was nervous of his behaviour around some girls, and he kind of ignored it? He addressed that he didn't want me to overthink anything, and how I shouldn't be worried (he was quite upset that I seemed upset as that wasn't what he wanted). I can't tell if I am just over analysing...I've started the gym to cut the anxiety...yet this behaviour is just making my stomach turn. I love him so very much, and don't want to cut ties with him, as when we are together...honestly I feel so comfortable and happy. I just don't know how to approach the subject without seeming like such a whinge, and losing him. Not to be stereotypical...but all my girl mates say how boys tend to not necessarily remember our feelings as such. Please help, I don't want to lose him, but I want him to realise that his actions are getting a bit too difficult to handle.
View related questions:
confidence, drunk, flirt, his ex, my ex, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2015): Ok, I'm really confused...
So you are friends with a few exes too? You admit that you also have happened to share bed/tent with them and nothing sexual happened?
Yet you can't believe that this would be the case for HIM? Why? Why the double standard? It's just very hypocritical of you. (i.e. ok for you to be friends with your exes, but not ok for him)
The only thing that caught my eye-if we are speaking about the same ex (citizenship papers and just 2 months of dating), then I'd say she is using him and he is well into the net!
Unless there are mitigating circumstances (i.e. they knew each other for years before they hooked up and it just didn't work when they did hook up), then I'd say there is a chance he might still have a crush on her.
Even if citzienship=one ex, 2 months dating=another ex, I'd be more wary of the more recent split whichever one that is.
Friendship takes time to build especially after a romantic relationship. There are some turbulences and some growing pains.
And maybe that's just me, but after only 2 months of dating- I wouldn't care much if they were my friend or not afterwards.
(N.B.-exception for friends beforehand still applies though. But that's the only one. And you have to have been friends for a while.)
Maybe you are over reacting, maybe not.
If his explanations don't satisfy you and he's acting "not normal", then investigate further.
If being in this relationship is affecting your self-esteem/anxiety this badly maybe you should leave EVEN IF there is nothing going on. You can't worry yourself sick over someone.
I think you feel uncomfortable, but don't wanna leave coz you love him and coz you think you can't find "anyone normal" after him, coz it took you so long to find this "normal" guy.
By "normal" I presume you mean "nice, good, honest" etc.
Trust me there are plenty of good guys out there-at the end of the day we are all looking for the same in a relationship: someone else who loves us and appreciates us as we are. Warts and all.
So if you can't live with his actions and friendships: go back on the search. If you want to overcome them... That takes a long time and he needs to be highly co-operative (=not seeing exes when you are at work or not around. Even just for signing things. At least at the beginning whilst you build up trust-you should be able to let go after a while).
Good luck with whatever you decide to do!
The Nonny
|
