A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:"I was with my fiance for 7.5 years, the thing is i was looking for a bit more than bf and gf." In all the time I can only ever spend the night on a saturday night even though I see him nearly every night. this year I wanted to know where we were going as a couple as I still was only allowed to stay once a week which I started complaining about and did get really upset about becuase I didnt understand why he only wanted me there once a week for the night. |If he doesnt want to get married fine but why cant I at least spend more than 1 night a week with him. In jan, this year however his friend became ill with cancer - he stopped seeing me as he needed space. I agreed to the space but was not happy with total no contact as we have been together 7 years. He said he could not handle a relationship because of the stress so I agreed to wait until he got his head together. then I found out that he was texting another girl behind my back and finally slept with her whilst I was giving him space.So he couldnt handle a relationship but was having one with her. she is 21) he is 42 Im 27. I still love him so much and just cant let go. I know I deserve the best but how can I break them up or gt him back as he is 20ys younger than him and its rediculous. He still messages me and says he loves me. just love the guyso much as he was in two fatal accidents when we were together and I nearly lost him. Got so scared that he would have another before we did anything and when I went to the hospital, they would not let me in as not family and realised he could die and I wouldnt have seen him. please help!!!
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (18 June 2009):
 Well your 15 years younger than him so why does another 5 make a difference? You are being hypocritical by saying its ridiculous that she is 21 when he is 42 because you too are a lot younger than him!
From what you have said, this guy is a classic commitment-phobic male. He obviously likes younger women, and he does not want to settle down. He likes his freedom and he likes the fact that he always has someome who loves him (i.e. you) to fall back on.
Too many women make the same mistake as you are doing - spending years with a man that clearly never will commit. Some men are destined to be bachelors all their lives, they are happier alone (with a few women in their lives to satisfy their needs). You will never be more to him - you will always jsut be sex and a bit of companionship to him. You cant change him, no matter how hard you try. He is what he is, and he is not going to change for you.
So it is up to you - do you want to waste another 7 years on a man who will never give you what you want? Or are you going to accept that he can never be the man you want him to be and move on? Sometimes in life we have to let go of the things we love, there is only so much you can do and after 7 and a half years I dont think you have anything left to give.
After all this time he should need you around when life gets tough, not push you away. Any normal person dealing with a friends cancer would want their partner around them to support them and to be a shoulder to cry on. So by wanting space from you, this guy is saying "I deal with things better on my own and I dont need you".
If he really loved you then you would be the only woman in his life, it is as simple as that. What he means when he tells you he loves you is really "I love that you love me". You make him feel better - it is a great feeling knowing someone loves you. You are his security blanket - when he wants you he knows you will drop everything for him and come running.
So it is your choice - you waste more years of your life on a classically unnatainable man, or you cut your losses and spend the next few months getting over him and moving on with your life. Women always want the man they cant get, the men who play hard to get always have loads of women after them, because each woman thinks "I will be the one who makes him settle down". In reality, he will never settle down, he will always chase after new women and he will never give his heart to anyone.
I know this will be incredibly hard for you to accept and it sounds like you have been through a lot together, but you have to realise that he just cannot give you what you want. After 7 and a half years, your instincts will be telling you to fight for this relationship because you have put so much into it, but really what has he put into your relationship? It sounds like not a lot! Realising you have wasted your time is such a hard thing to do, and the mind will do its upmost to make you believe that there is still some hope. But in reality, he will never make you happy and the only way for you to be happy is to move on. It will be the hardest thing you ever do but in a couple of years you will be such a stronger and happier person for it.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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