A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello This is going to be very detailed. Hope you'll bear with it. I met this guy online from a dating site and we hit it off immediately as we seemed to have the same values and good chemistry. He was 30 and eager to settle down (according to his profile and what he said). He was also from another state/s working in remote areas. He was actually on the prowl for 'the one' and said that he is very picky and so far hasn't found her cindrella yet whom he wants to be the marrying type. He was very idealistic about what kind of woman he wanted and in many ways, I seemed to fit in that category, hence, he initiating our first communication. We chatted online more like friends with only the subtlest flirtations. But in my heart, I knew I like him. The way he was, it felt like he is my soulmate, but I just didn't think things can happen because we are somewhat different in tangible ways. We chat constantly in the first few weeks and then in the following months, just rarely. But each time we talk, i don't know with him, but for me it felt like we know each other so well (there goes that soulmate thing again, sorry). Eventually, he would rarely initiate a chat session. At first, this bums me, then I began to accept into my thinking that in his search he must have found the one or is busy chatting with many different girls and that I should not be wasting my time on him. However, deep inside of me I was secretly hoping that he will realise that I'm the one. But apparently, he doesn't think that way despite the good chemistry we have so I guessed he must be really picky and I am not up to his standards. And sometimes, he would chat me up then suddenly stopped responding in the middle of the conversation which really annoyed me. So, I stopped pining on him and moved on. 4 months later since that time I met him, I met someone else who was a local. Eventually, this guy, who was ideal in many ways, became my serious boyfriend whom I fell in love with. The first few weeks of coupledom, I was like a teenager in love. He was so good to me and never played mind games with me. I simply thought I was lucky. I still sometimes chat with the first guy, always on friendly terms. Then one day, he informed me that he is in town for business and asked if I would like to meet up. I agreed mainly because I thought it would be nice to meet up a good old friend but nothing more. So we met up for coffee, keeping everything the same way as we would interact online or on the phone. No flirting, no advances...but undeniably...there was something between us. Nothing heady, just a sense of being at ease and trust. When I told him that I am seeing someone, he expressed guilt for asking me out that night because he didn't think it was appropriate. But I explained to him that I came to see him because he is my friend. Later that night, he was gonna drive me home but he needed to get his car keys from the hotel room. He didn't asked me to come up to his room because, again, it won't be appropriate. But since he was staying in a nice hotel, I wanted to see his room.Once up there, we continued our conversations and share music and stuff. But you guess what happened next. We ended up in bed together and I was a virgin at 25 (out of my no pre-marital sex principle which I clearly broke for reasons I don't know). Well, initially he had no idea I was until I told him right in the middle of the deed. The whole time, from start to finish, he was just very sensual, gentle, and passionate. We were almost up the whole night. Yup, it was very wrong for me to have done what I did. Four days later, we met up again before he leaves town. We went to an event and agreed to go to his hotel afterwards because there was nothing to do and we didn't feel like parting. But he warned that we should keep our hands off each other. But eventually, after restraining ourselves, we couldn't and did it again. At this point, I was so full of guilt but then I realised as well that I have loved this man from the very beginning when I was still getting to know him online (sounds stupid, i know) and I can't fool myself into staying with my current boyfriend. Although I love my boyfriend, it's not as deep as my feelings for the first man. So I think I should just break up with him...but I don't want to hurt him. A month after we met (the first guy), he has only called me about 5 times. I wonder why he can't call me daily or every other day. How is working in a remote area preventing him from doing so? I always have to wait for more than 7 days or even two weeks and our conversations still remain friendly even if I have expressed to him nonchalantly that I care about him. I text him that I missed him one time and he doesn't reply to that text. Well, he once expressed that he wished I'm with him on the plane as he travels to and fro and he jokes about being on a holiday with me. Is he not into me? Was he just after the sex? Is he a player? What can I do? I don't want to lose him. Should I wait on him or just move on? HELP. And my other problem is, should I keep my boyfriend and just try and make it work? I don't want to hurt anybody but I don't know why I am in this situation right now.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2008): Hello, thank you so much for your thoughts. Yep, I failed to mention that it was a 'cheat'. But yes, I blatantly cheated which is something I never thought I would ever do (but I was wrong apparently!). And about that spark that I don't have with my boyfriend, actually, there was a huge spark in the beginning because during that time I met him, I was sooo over the online guy. It was only when the online guy came again (and met him personally, etc.) that I realised that I might not love my bf as much as I used to and I know it's not fair to him. But I don't want to make drastic decisions cause I might just have been blindsided by everything! And maybe the online guy really don't have any feelings for me. The last time I heard from him was 7 days ago (he moved to another state again) and it was just a short phone call. Anyways, I would appreciate a few more thoughts. Thanks!
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