A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi there.... so i've been married for over 7 years and I must say I love my husband very much. We've had our ups and downs but we've got through it all. I've noticed however, that since recently he seems to be getting more annoyed with me all the time and he keeps picking on me about my looks... the way I do things... my behavior... etc. I get up every morning and cook for him and have food ready for him when he comes home too. This has been going on for a while and I asked him not to do it a few days ago and he got upset and started complaining about me. He told me that he doesn't care if i leave him or choose to stay with him. He said that if i want him to stop picking on me then i have to change too. Then I asked him what about myself I should change. Then he said he's sick of having to ask me to sweep the house and do stuff... I was really confused. Yes, I don't keep the house clean 100% all the time. But I do a lot of work. I do ALL the housework and I'm studying and I'm working too. He doesn't do any of that, he comes home from work and plays video games or watches movies and stuff. I got really hurt that day because he said so many hurtful things and honestly, I was ready to end the marriage. It looked like that's what he wanted. I've been sleeping on the couch because I didn't want to go to the room, I felt so sad and disappointed in everything. I feel like I'm not good enough and he makes me feel that way all the time. He even picks on me in front of other people. I just turned 30. Since I did, he always picks on me saying I'm old. I know he's just kidding but it still makes me feel bad to have to hear that ALL the time. Then he picks on me for being fat. Actually, I'm not fat, I go to gym and work out very hard. He fusses a lot if i ever eat something unhealthy. He doesn't like me being on the laptop all the time, but I work online so what can I do about that! And maybe I would pay more attention to him if he just stops his video games for a while and spends time with me. He is always trying to change me. Now after 4 nights of me sleeping on the couch, he came over and was laying on my feet which I understand means that he wants to fix things. However, I feel like I have completely fallen out of love with him. I don't know what to do anymore. The idea of going back to that way of living terrifies me. As hard as it is, I felt happy to live on my own... it was better than suffering in a marriage like this where i always feel under pressure... I'm happy we don't have kids yet... or it would be such a mess. What can i do... am i bad for not having any feelings any more for him?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2022): Hi everyone, I'm the original poster!
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my post. It's been a week since we had that argument and I'm still sleeping on the couch because I didn't feel comfortable enough to sleep in the room. I just had a conversation with my husband and asked him what we're going to do because I don't want us to keep fighting about this every few weeks. He said it won't happen again for the same reasons. He also said he's not going to fuss about me cleaning and stuff
he said not to do anything because of him, if i feel like doing it then do it or if not don't worry about it.
While I appreciate that he said that, it really feels like he's just saying that because he wants to avoid issues and not because he means it. We have fought many times in the past but when we talked and got back together again, I used to be so happy but this time I feel nothing. I'm not sure if he's pretending again because when we fought he did say that he had been pretending to be happy for a while now.
I really don't know where to go from here. While I still care deeply for him, I feel like I have fallen so out of love with him and like I want out. I feel so lost! :(
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 May 2022):
 What I don't get about your post is this..
You start out saying:
" I must say I love my husband very much. "
But you end your post with:
"What can i do... am i bad for not having any feelings any more for him?" and " However, I feel like I have completely fallen out of love with him."
I mean do you love him or not?
As for his behavior, people really don't change easily, if at all.
You can't change him. He has to WANT to change and make the effort. Same for you.
You have to decide if there is something here you want to fix or not and if possible try some couples counseling.
I think his nitpicking might be because he felt you pull away and his attempt at making you feel like NO ONE else would want you, have made you stay. It's manipulative and unhealthy.
Calling you fat and old? Maybe that is how HE feels about himself.
You two sound like bad roommates.
He doesn't want to spend time with you, yet if you are NOT paying attention to HIM, he gets mad?
He does nothing around the house ? Yet you both work?
Have a sit down (with yourself) and consider what you would like to see IF you continued to stay. From him and yourself.
Then consider whether or not you think it's realistic and doable.
THEN you talk to him. I think you NEED to tell him that you are not happy/OK with the current state of your marriage. Then either ask to separate or lay out a plan to work on it together and get his input on what HE thinks needs to be improved on.
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A
male
reader, kenny  + ♥, writes (6 May 2022):
 Sounds like unfortunately it is that dreaded seven year itch. It seems like he is making no effort at all to try to make this marriage work and as a consequence you have fallen out of love with him.
For a start i think its important to accept people the way they are, we can't change people and it is impossible to even try. If you do manage to change someone it goes against the grain of what they really want and who they really are resulting in resentment setting in.
I know there are two sides to every story and if he wrote a post here on DC he would probably create a lenthy post with things to say about you too.
I agree he should not be picking on you and making negative comments about your weight and your age.
You know your marriage better than we do, if in your heart of hearts you feel you really don't love him then maybe you need to step up to the plate and end things and seek to legal advice on where you stand.
If on the other hand you think there is a glimmer of hope and a chance in salvaging things then maybe seek some professional help, marriage counseling.
No you are not bad for losing your feelings for him, you are only human at the end of the day. But i will say the most important thing is your mental health and wellbeing. If you feeling this is being impacted on then maybe its is time to call it a day.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2022): No, you actually have a lot of patience if your feelings have lasted under 7 years of constant criticisms . I don't see what are you waiting for before calling it quits.You are not in love with each other anymore, you do not have children ,you are young regardless of his lame jokes, you have got your own job and you realized that you would not mind living alone.There are all the conditions for civil,non-traumatic break up.
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