A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi aunts and uncles. I really dont know how to word this, so bare with me. Im 24, my fiance is 26. Weve been together 5 years and have two children ages 2 and 3. We are engaged to be married in april, 2015. We are paying for the wedding ourselves, which is why the date is so far out. I didnt really have a strong desire to be married, other than our children. Dont get me wrong, I love him and hope to spend the rest of my life with him. Im also religous, so its a bit hypocritical of me to have children out of wedlock and not yearning to be married. I dont know why I feel this way. He didnt exactly "propose" like men typically do - get down on one knee, have a ring, ect. It was just more of a conversation and went something along the lines of we should get married, lets set a date, what day do you want, what type of wedding, ect, ect. Anyways my question is, are my feelings about this incorrect? Should I have more of a desire to be married, since weve set a date? Should I not get married at all? I just feel lost. Maybe its just cold feet? Thank you for your advice.
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engaged, fiance, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2013): I sense that you're not really all that into your fiance. As in, a part of you deep down thinks you could do better than him or that he isn't right for you or that you would like to keep the door open for the possibility of finding someone else. It is only the fact that you have kids together and part of you that desires to conform to society's picture of the ideal nuclear family or religious approval that you agreed to get engaged.
If any of this has even the slightest hint of truth then you definitely should not get married.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2013): It sounds like not only do you not feel a burning desire to be married, but you actually feel a distaste for marriage. It isn't neutral to you rather it is negative. Is this correct?
If so why not try to identify what it is about marriage that you find distasteful or aversive?
And yes I agree that if you don't feel a great enthusiasm to be married to someone then it is wiser to call off the wedding. Your feelings are telling you something. Better to sort them out first before entering into a contract that is expensive and legally difficult to opt out of should you finally discover the answer years down the road.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (24 August 2013):
 Very interesting question. I have a question in return. What is the difference between your current relationship, and your expected married relationship?
You mention two things in your post that are my only clues. He didn't propose to you in a romantic or traditional way. And, you want to spend a lot of money on a wedding.
Either you are craving tradition, or you are non traditional. If you are traditional, trim some of the wedding plans and have him make a proper proposal followed by a small engagement party. If you are non traditional, stop fussing, find a justice of the peace and sign the papers. Use the money you are saving on a celebratory vacation.
FA
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (24 August 2013):
 You are in a loving committed relationship. Marriage makes that relationship legally binding.
For those with a religious belief it makes the union a spiritual one confirmed by their God.
Weddings are expensive and you have a young family. You also need to be honest and true to yourself.
Your feelings are not incorrect, they're not wrong and don't mean you're not committed to your family.
Talk to your partner, tell him how much you love him and how you want to spend the rest of your life with him and how much your family unit means to you but that the more you think about it the more unhappy you are with getting married.
You may never want to marry and that's ok, then again one day you may wake up and think OMG I really want to marry you.
If it doesn't feel right, don't do it.
Hypocrisy doesn't come into it. God blessed you with your beautiful children and a loving partner.
I hope things work out xxx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2013): Perhaps your ambivalence is not towards getting married but rather paying for a big wedding when the money could be better spent investing in the future of the two children you already have by establishing a fund for their educations.
You should get married to give your children the benefit of the security and grounding that comes from being part of a stable family unit where their parents have made a binding spiritual and legal commitment to each other that makes all members of the household related to each other, but that can easily be accomplished with a small civil ceremony at your local town or city hall.
Given that your "fiancé" is also your baby daddy times two, at this point planning an elaborate wedding two years down the road is putting the cart before two horses. For all the sense that makes, you might just as well wait until your kids are old enough to serve as best man and maid of honor.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2013): Hi there!
I could definitely relate to what your feeling.
I do not wish to be married too.
There are really some people like us who have phobia when it comes to marriage.
I just think that a piece of paper does not really guarantee a happy ending love story.
i was engaged twice. I always have a reason to say let's wait. not now.
Now I know why god, didn't let it happen, its for my own good. But i don't wanna scare you, my fate is not yours.
maybe his different.
But a piece of advise, if it doesn't feel right. Don't go for it. If your in love with your fiance like you can't breath without him, then Go for it.
I mean, life is all about taking chances.
We take risk, the question is, Can you afford to take that risk?
Follow your heart, listen to your brain. Pray.
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