A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My bf and I have been together for a few months and have been friends for years. Within the past year I have experienced a deep depression and recently have felt better with my bf's support as well as time weekly with my therapist. There are times when my bf will ask of me to defend him, but 1/2 the time I think speaking up for him would lower his manly credibility considering male comrodary, then if it's one of my homegirls he feels he has to hold his tongue and wants me to speak for him. I don't like confrontation and I don't want to be pushed in moments where it's expected of me to stand up, not now at least. I told my therapist and she reminded me that I haven't even done this for myself, so him expecting this I feel is very unreasonable, at the moment. I hope my self confidence and self esteem will continue to improve, but is it wrong that I don't 'defend' him often. He says I have no pride in him, it's not that. He says he understands what I'm going through but if that were the case then he'd know guilting me about not doing right by him unnerves my resolve. He asked me if its me and others, or me and him. I don't like when he says makes me choose like this. No other bf has put me in a position like this, so why me? I love him, but when shits like this it makes me resent him.
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male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (26 July 2013):
I’m sorry but I’m confused. Defend him over what? Are your homegirls criticising him, for example the way he treats you? If so, he obviously wants you to put them right if those criticisms aren’t valid, because perhaps he finds it hurtful to hear him being criticised and see you not challenge it. You need then to explain to him how difficult confrontation is for you, but try and compromise by having a quiet word with these friends and requesting they cease to criticise your boyfriend. But do listen to what they have to say anyway even if you decide they are wrong.
IF on the other hand his complaint is that you still see your friends, and he wants you to stop seeing them, that is a more serious concern and you should think very carefully about why he might be doing that. It’s very hard to advise you further with such an unclear situation, perhaps a follow-up might help? But I hope this gives you ideas to think about anyway and enough to reflect upon and perhaps have a conversation with him about.
I wish you all the very best.
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