A
female
age
30-35,
*e11is
writes:Hello everyone,To make it kinda short and sweet, I'll just get right to the point.I've been dating this guy who's two years older than me for about four years now. I'm 18, he's 20.Being a Senior this year at high school, it defiantly got me thinking about our relationship. First of all, I'm working about 15 hours a week, going to school full-time, and on top of it all this college work! My boyfriend on the other hand hasn't had a job since he was 15 - which he quit after a month. He also doesn't want to go to college to further his education. He doesn't even have his driver license. He claims he's been "trying" to get a job, but no one gets back to him.. The thing is, I'm at the age where I want someone to be doing something with their life. I don't want to end up getting attached to someone who I'm going to end up having to take care of like a baby when I'm older..I don't know if I should end it or keep hanging on or what.. Hopefully someone has some advice for me? Any of your opinions would be great! Thanks so much! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 November 2011):
 I'm not saying the 20-year old freeloader is wrong. If his parents put up with it, and he's happy with it, then live and let live. But as the OP isn't particularly interested in a freeloader then.. well it leaves her little choice. Women always try to change men, persuade them to do better, do more, be more, improve this and that. I'm simply saying, respect him for what he is, understand that he wont change his ways. If he's happy to mooch now, he will be happy to mooch later as well.
There is no question about it, this boy is freeloading. Who's paying his food, roof over his head, how does he get money to do any activities? I'm just saying, who's paying for his "free-time to make the choices in life that suits him"?? It isn't santa.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 November 2011):
 Heartfullalove, you have schooled us. Well done. What HFL said, OP, read what HFL said in his posts.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2011): Well, yes, from the sounds of it I don't see any long-term mileage in you two being together, and
'I've brought the subject up to him numerous times. In fact, we broke up about 8 or so months ago cause I kept bothering him about it'
speaks for itself. Girl: 'Why doesn't he get a good job? Maybe if I just keep nagging him about it, he'll do what he's told. His employment non-status is a reflection of his inherent inadequacy and worthlessness as a person. This loser can't even drive, and he thinks he's good enough for me?'
Boy: 'Why is she attacking me constantly about this? I don't hassle her about her choice of career/attitude to same. It might be quite pleasant if she left it alone for a while til I've worked out what I want to do, I'm 20 ffs and quite value my free time, the exciting career opportunity of flipping burgers in MacDonalds doesn't quite appeal as much as playing guitar!'
While I agree that this relationship seems to have run its course, is in its death throes and is highly unlikely to be save-able, I'd still venture to suggest that my earlier post (I was a bit shocked at the unanimity with which the other posters agreed HE was the problem) shouldn't in any way be interpreted as a 100% 'You are completely right and your lazy waster unmotivated boyfriend is completely wrong'.
No-one forced you to go out with him in the first place or 'take him back' when it became apparent he wasn't living up to your expectations of what a boyfriend should be. As I've inferred, the best outcome is that this relationship ends so you can go and find a guy with a well-paid job and a drivers' licence, and he can find a girl who isn't in quite as urgent a rush to 'get ahead in life'.
Hope it works out for everyone.
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female
reader, be11is +, writes (11 November 2011):
be11is is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all for your responses!
It's true what many of you said, I guess it's clear I have already made up my mind about the situation. I've brought the subject up to him numerous times. In fact, we broke up about 8 or so months ago cause I kept bothering him about it. Of course he came back, and I was foolish enough to go back to him. However, he said it would be different, and he'd do anything to make it work. He even said he'd go to college. He just lied his way back in to my life, which really upsets me.
Yeah, I know I should break-up with him. Do I want to? Yeah, but I just wish he wasn't lying when he said it'd be different.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 November 2011):
 I think you know what you want and that is a good thing. I don't think he is getting that.
Would I break up with him over this? That really depends, if he has other qualities and some kind of ambitions/dreams for the future.
What attracted you to him in the first place?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2011): Yeah, if you feel like you can do better already, might as well drop him. He doesn't seem like a catch. Maybe he has good-looks, a great personality, and you guys "click" very well, but obviously something is missing for you. Might as well cut your losses sooner than later. It may be worth it to wait. Picture this, could you imagine finding out later in life that this boyfriend of yours is living in a multi-million dollar mansion when you see him on MTV CRIBS? That would be so devastating, I'd bet. Nonetheless, you could still find someone who is much wealthier, but its not always about the money. I can see why you feel stuck. You should just take the risk, leave him (at least for a while) and see what happens. Maybe after you leave he gets a job then you can come back to him. You don't want to be his support for god knows how long. Let him grow up by leaving him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2011): You're not well-matched by the sounds of it, and should probably break up for both your sakes. He's male and 20, and most likely doesn't particularly WANT to work at this point in time at the jobs that are realistically within his reach. He probably sees his free time as more important, and might on a sub-conscious level have no time or respect for the entire 'rat race' of get-a-job get-a-car get-a-house get-a-pension-plan, like a lot of male 20-year-olds.
He has every right to set his priorities as he sees fit, but it seems at least reasonable to speculate that this attitude will conflict sharply with that of potential female partners who, in general, tend to be much more acutely aware at a much earlier age of the importance of getting a good career, and more conscious of/inclined to obsess about what 'the future' holds. This difference in worldview would already seem to have led to a situation where you don't respect him at all ('He doesn't even have his driver license') and this is likely to get worse, not better.
Since you 'want someone to be doing something with their life' and he presumably would like his girlfriend to be a little less fixated on the work-a-day earn-a-buck aspect of existence, I would hazard a guess that this isn't an ideal long-term prospectus for peace, harmony and happiness within a loving relationship. Unless you're happy with him AS THINGS ARE and prepared to wait for his attitude to evolve gradually as he matures, I think that Chigirl's advice
'Dump'
while perhaps a little merciless, heartless and unsentimental in tone, isn't too far off the mark. You're not going to change him by nagging, so either park your reservations about his job situation and let that be his business, or end this amicably so you can go and find a go-getter type.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 November 2011):
I'd break up with him too. I think people are best matched when they share common goals, and similar work ethics. Your guy apparently has no goals and no work ethic. It's sad but not the end of the world for either of you.
Have you talked to him about this at all, or is this something you are just keeping to yourself?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2011): Let this one go. I'm 20 and at the point in time, if I'm not doing SOMETHING with my life, I always feel like I'm falling behind. Yes I live with my parents but I'm self sufficient and have had jobs. At 18-19 you are allowed to be lazy, but hitting the 2-0 is when you need to get your act together and your boyfriend sounds a bit careless to be honest. Youre completely right to feel concerned. BTW you sound like you'll definitely get somewhere, keep everything you're doing up and find someone worthy of YOUR level :)
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reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (11 November 2011):
 ... so you KNOW the answer. You can keep on "taking care of this "man" who is, in fact, no more than a baby..."... or you can go out and find a real man for a companion....
Your call.... Good luck....
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2011): Your resentment is clear. So its hard to have a loving relationship once there is such a definite imbalance in a relationship, let alone you want a young man to be self reliant and the BF is not. So overall; you know you won't be happy in the long run so cut the BF loose.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (11 November 2011):
He's 20 and mooching off his parents, I assume, since he has no job and thereby can't possibly have any independence.
Dump. If he hasn't got his act together by now most likely he wont get it together later in life either, and if he does, you might have to wait until he reaches 40 before he gets a job of sorts. Do you want to wait that long for "if's"? Or maybe go find someone who has a better idea of what to do with their live, how to work for what they want, someone who isn't mooching without feeling any guilt about it, and is a snob? Not holding on to jobs or not taking jobs you are offered is snobbish.. and I bet you there is work out there, he just doesn't want what he's being offered because he's "too good".
Your boyfriend sounds like he's going nowhere fast. You might not have to take care of him while he's old, but he's certainly not taking care of himself at the moment, so how long are you willing to wait to see if he can take care of himself?
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