A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Okay, so I was pretty desperate one night and decided to browse the internet for some help and came across this website! My problem is my immature boyfriend. We have been going out for a little more than a year now, and I really really like him. We both want this to work out in the long run. but lately we are just getting on each others last nerve! We fight over little things and he is too stubborn to let go. The fights go on to the point where he calls me a b***h and a psycho. All this hurts me like crazy and I tell him that too but it doesn't seem to bother him. He later says sorry and promises not to ever say stuff like that to me again but sure enough it happens all over again! He continuously say one thing and does another. I hate that. I want someone I can rely on, and now I seem to have trouble doing so. Oh did I mention he doesn't have a job and keeps telling me he is going to finish school but always has a different excuse. I definitely don't want to end what we have going on because I see how he is a great guy in other ways. But what do I do about his immaturity??
View related questions:
immature, the internet Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (6 August 2009):
 I see the difficulty. The trick is to involve him in process so that the decisions become his because he was part of making them. There is sometimes a fear that when you set off on a path (like a job or a school course) then this is the way it is always going to be. That is an awful prospect. But it isn't true. I know people who have run companies with a music degree or no degree at all. I think if you are following a trade like being a doctor then it's quite a good idea to get some knowledge but that's obvious I suppose.It may be as you say that he is acting like a petulant child. My advice is don't give that behaviour the time of day. Ostracise him, and when he is ready to talk to you, you can explain why the way he is acting is not fair and not acceptable. There are, after all, two people in this relationship. How would he feel if you behaved that way?I wish you luck. It may be that he just needs space to grow. He may be paralysed by his own expectations of himself.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are right Denizen. And I am positive that he has potential. He is a smart and outgoing person. However the fact that he doesn't have his mind set on something is not what totally bothers me. He is immature in little petty things. He is stubborn like a little kid and argues with me about little things. For example I asked him to go out on a double date with my friend and I. He threw a fit and had a huge with me afterward about the place we went to, and that he was bored and could of been doing something better with his friends. This is just one example I have to deal with a lot more situations like this. That is why I think if he had a job or perhaps be taking classes; he wouldn't picking little stupid fights with me all the time.
...............................
A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (2 August 2009):
Pinktopaz writes a forceful response to your query but I think is dealing in some stereotypical male who goes to college and does all the conventional things. Thank goodness that the people who make a mark in the world don't act like 90 percent of the rest of us because we are the ones who follow the well-trodden path to mediocrity. A few people I can think of who didn't go to college include Henry Ford, Bill Gates, Michael Dell of Dell Inc, President Andrew Jackson, Steven Spielberg, Rockerfeller Snr, and the founder of Facebook, Zuckerberg.If you like music you could include Chet Atkins, or films, Dan Akroyd and Gene Hackman as college dropouts. The list is extensive. So just because your fella hasn't found what he wants to do yet doesn't make him immature.I once spoke with the Emeritus Professor of the London Business School, Charles Handy. He still didn't know what he wanted to do in life.
...............................
A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (1 August 2009):
You really have to look at it this way: does the good outweigh the bad? It seems to me that the bad outweighs the good and that is not a good relationship. Sure everyone has their arguments, but he shouldn't be calling you names like a bitch or psycho...that's disrespectful and yes, immature.
Also you mentioned that he does not have a job and comes up with some excuse for not finishing school. Come on now, you know that these are qualities of someone that you do NOT want to be with. No woman wants to be with someone like that, it's not someone you can be proud of. You want someone with motivation and goals in their life.
I somewhat agree with Princess D. about the the space issue. Do the space thing, and give him an ultimatum without it actually sounding like one. For example, tell him something like, "Although I want things to work out in the long run and I'm assuming you do too; but with the way it has been in the relationship with the stupid arguments and the name calling that I really find hurtful, I really think we should spend some time apart. I know that you always talk about finishing school and I really think that's something you need to finish. I also need some time to focus on myself. In the end, I think this will make us grow stronger as individuals that way we can have a stronger relationship." Of course yout don't have to use it word for word, say it however you want. But he needs to know that his behavior is unacceptable and that you KNOW that you deserve better; therefore, he needs to get his act together.
Be strong and stick to it. Don't do it for a week or two and let him sweet talk you into getting back with him. Think of it as a break and that he needs to show YOU that he can be a man and not some stupid kid. If he still can't do it after that, you should really think about moving on. You don't want to wait around for him to hopefully mature one day while some other great guy that could be everything you want passes you by.
...............................
A
female
reader, bec23  +, writes (1 August 2009):
hey, im not sure how old you are but my bf is 27 and has a great career but is seriously VERY immature. at times it can get to be too much but i guess thats when i leave the room. with your situation i think you have to see what starts the fights and try and solce those issues. or at least once you realise what the issues are and you see a fight coming go to the other room, have a shower. just dont be in the same room. that way you can calm down and he can too,hopefully.
...............................
A
female
reader, foxieness +, writes (1 August 2009):
im only 13 and il try to help bc us girls should look out 4 each other anyways just try asking him why he says that and tell him how it makes u feel and ask him if he could stop and try his best 4 both of u and if u want tell him that u love him and u dnt want it to end this way fake cry a bit/realy cry if uhave to and see if u can get through to him i hope it helps if not im sorry
...............................
A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (1 August 2009):
What is it that makes him immature in your eyes? It wasn't obvious from your letter. The fact that you argue isn't immature, or that he hasn't decided what to do with his life yet.
Lots of couples in long-term relationships enjoy a good argument.
...............................
A
female
reader, Princess D.  +, writes (1 August 2009):
 hi, well my fiance is immature he does the same thing over and over. Ask your bf for some space, he is too comforable in the relationship already. no matter how much times u ask him to stop and actually work things out, he won't. Space should do the trick. he wont listen, so make him feel.ask 4 space in a kind hearted way now.
good luck dear.
...............................
|
