A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been married to A for 8 years and we have 2 children together. A few years ago we went through a bit of a rough patch where A felt that I was being distant and too busy for him. I admit that this was the case, but having a newborn and a potty training toddler left me with little time or energy. I felt like there was always a demand on my time and A was little help with the children.Through nursery we met z, she liked to complain to A about her boyfriend and he most likely did the same about me. After a while A started to jump at any chance to walk the kids into school and see Z. He woukd skip after her like a little puppy. Once he even left me with both kids to run and catch up with her! I called him on it, but he kept denying that anything was going on. He tried to encourage her to leave her boyfriend.Eventually he confessed to Z that he was developing feelings for her, she rejected him and began to avoid him. A eventually had to tell me what had happened but made out that it was all a misunderstanding. A says that nothing physical happened between them and I believe him.We are still together but our relationship is poor. I find it difficult to be intimate because the trust is gone. A gets really upset that I don't want to have sex with him. If we kiss he tries to 'create a mood' by groping me. Inevitably I push him away and he gets upset.I don't want to end our marriage, so how do we fix this? Can we fix it? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2021): I must say I am sorry to know what you are facing. Many times people would advise you to separate. People these days don't try to fix or mend relationships. And this is not just a bf/gf relationship, this is husband and wife. I am not sure if you have a spiritual background, but i must say, a marriage is a very serious things in the eyes of God. People these days can't grasp that.
You want to save your marriage. You said the issue was you were being distant and was too busy for him. Having a newborn and a toddler is really tiring and time cosuming as well. When i had my last child, my second just turned two. I worked and had to do my duties as a wife and a mother.
What your husband did was totally wrong, i would imagine if the girl was interested herself, it may have gone to another level. I understand now, the trust wouldn't be there. If you want to save your marriage, you do have to forgive and talk to him how you feel. If you were in his shoes, where he was always too busy for you, and you wanted to spend time with him, wouldn't you feel neglected?
As a wife, you still have your wifely duties to do. If you let your motherly duties consume you and you don't make time for your spouse's needs, the reaction for that neglect would not be the one you want.
I am married and i had a friend who is also married. Before i met my husband, i was interested in that "friend". Long story short, we were still friends and spoke from time to time. 4 years after he got married, however, the messages turned from.hi how are you doing, hope all is well to, wow, you look gorgeous. I found it strange. He eventually opened up about his wife always being too busy for him and not wanting to have sex with him. He is a good guy, always was there when i needed sound advice but here this good guy, who was head over heals in love with his wife, finding himself flirting with another woman and possibly other women.
I'm not sure if it's solely the sex part your husband was lacking. But if that's the case, I see you are in your 30's, maybe your husband is in his 30's as well. Men in their 30's usually have a high sex drive. So it would be hard on them when you don't satisfy their sexual needs. True love waits right? But you are married. Sex is part of a healthy marriage.
Now, here you are in a position where you don't trust your husband, want to mend your marriage but you feel uncomfortable having sex with him even more now because what he did is disgusting. If you want to make this work, you do need to forgive, talk how you feel, renew your mind and even seek counseling. Before that incident took place, I'm sure a counselor would have advised you, you need to spend quality time with your husband. If you are spiritual,pray about it. Seek professional help cause the advice given here, seeks to destroy families. I hope he did not physically cheat. Your marriage can be saved. I wish you all the best.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 February 2021):
 Eww your husband is gross!
Of course it was not "ALL a misunderstanding", and you seem smart enough to realize that even if you try and ignore it.
He will likely blame you for not paying enough attention to him, therefore it's your fault he fell for another woman who DID pay attention to him. Which, is gross.
I would ask him point blank how HE would feel if you had acted the way he did. And if he could "just" pretend it didn't happen.
You also NEED to talk to him. You need to tell him that you don't feel like having sex because you lost a lot of respect and trust in him and HE hasn't really tried to help work on regaining that trust.
Couples counseling is one way to get it out in the open and talk about it with a neutral 3rd person. But will he actually OWN what he did? Or will he minimize it and play the blame game?
Also, forgiveness takes time. We can FORGIVE a person but that doesn't mean he will forget what they did. Ever. And that is hard.
Is he really the kind of man you see yourself moving forward with? He can't be bothered to help with the kids and the first woman who paid him an ounce of attention he chased after like some horny teenager?
To me it doesn't matter that they didn't have sex. The ONLY reason it didn't happen was because SHE didn't want him. She thought she had made a friend. Had she been game he would have done it, NO doubt.
Is this marriage worth saving?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2021): He didn't cheat on you but he may as well have done and in your shoes I would be thinking how on earth can I trust him. The intention was there, however giving him the benefit of the doubt, some men do think the grass is greener especially when their children are babies and they think their partners don't seem to be as sexually attracted to them, he basically got a crush when you was going through a tough patch.
If you don't want to end the marriage you need to go to couples counselling and if that's not possible really sit down and thrash it out, ultimately it's going to be down to if you can let go of what happened and learn to trust him again.
Just to also add that while what he did is a massive deal breaker, we are human and we make mistakes, you need to look at who he is now, how he acts and if he has done anything else that leaves you doubting him, I wish you all the best x
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (22 February 2021):
 I think that once trust has been broken its very difficult to come back from. Trust is one of the most important contributing factors that bind a relationship together, once this barrier has been crossed most relationships will invariable just break down.
He essentially declared his feelings for someone else, its only the fact that she rejected him that he came back with his tail between his legs. If she had said she felt the same he would have left you and started up with her.
This is now a trustless and loveless marriage, and I don't think its worth sticking it out just for the sake of the kids as this is not healthy for anyone.
If you don't want to end the marriage then seek marital guidance, and counselling. But if after this you still feel the same then you will have to consider walking away from the marriage.
I have always thought its better to be happily single that unhappily married.
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A
female
reader, CarrieSoa +, writes (22 February 2021):
 How on earth can you stay in a loveless marriage? This will also affect your children. If you want to stay in the marriage then both of you will have to put in a lot of time and effort, counselling in relationship re-building. If both of you do not value the marriage enough to go through this process then you need to end the marriage.
What kind of life is that to live? Without love, affection and a care to someone? Are you willing to give that chance up again to stay with someone you do not love, trust or like? You will become a bitter old woman if you stay. You are still very young and attractive to other men, no doubt.
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