A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Have been in a relationship for ten years (not married, no kids). I get on with my other half very much on most things. My problem is that he seems to have a lack of what i define as "emotive layer". He doesnt care about birthdays, anniversaries, xmas; he does not have sympathy for babies (neither of us wants kids, just talking about empathy), or animals; has no conception of having fun or hobbies; and worst of all, no idea of intimacy, desire. He seems to me that hes just a really grey perspective.I went all colors of the spectrum, from being angry to super sad to supportive and analytical, but it seems to me that theres no way around this. I really love him, but i miss this part: i miss being desired, i miss having sex more than 4 times a year, i miss the occasional "nice" dinner. I realise it might seem trivial, but without all this we re just a very high functioning delivery team, not a couple. Ive spent many years in sadness amd self blaming, but after a year in therapy ive learnt to be okay with the fact i need these things. The problem is that hes a great guy otherwise. Its the old adagio: itd be perfect if only he...I dont want to give up our life, our plans...our massive mortgage! for this. But at the same time, my heart is sad.I also have started to look for emotional support from another person. I do not want to stray, and this person is in a commited relationship so i do not want to go there. But those needs are met there.So, i am just a bit tired, lost and confused. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (2 September 2020):
 I think you got great replies.
I just want to throw in that I really don't want you to wake up in ten years, look at your life, and feel like it's been wasted. You're still young, and you may find someone who gives you rainbows rather than grayscale.
I understand the comfort of security, the fact that you now understand your routine and you know how he'll disappoint you, and you've half-heartedly made peace with that. I'm guessing you may worry about whether or not he'll find someone able to tolerate him and care for him as you do. You've been caretaking this fella for ten years - who is taking care of you? A healthy partnership is comprised of two people who care for each other.
You have one life. And I worry that you'll resent who you chose to spend it with, who wasn't much fun, and didn't make you ever feel wanted, excited, surprised, desired. Nobody will make you feel all those things all the time, but this guy has shown you that with him, you will feel none of those things all of the time.
Value yourself and your happiness. Either you must choose this man as he is, or choose to take a different path. Best of luck, sweet.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2020): By the way I when I think back to when I met my asperger man, years ago, there was another man who was very keen on me - he was definitely a gold digger and a charmer, full of flattery, praise, romance, wanting to instigate sex and desire, little presents. But all of it false. Not one bit of it was real. He was married and desperate to try to turn me into his secret bit on the side and if he could get hold of some of my assets, property and money too even better.The aspergery man is so much more honest and decent and caring than him - despite the fact that he does not say it in words and the charmer was all show.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2020): Having read both of these replies carefully let me tell you. My partner is a high functioning aspergers guy. We have been together for six years and we are both mid 60s.
Both of us are successful in life with business, money, investments and all the rest. But like your man he has no concept of other people's feeling or he puts on an act.
For example he sends me huge bunches of flowers regularly because he prefers the florist to do the work and contacting rather than him having to hold my hand or smile at me or cuddle me. We have no sex life and have not had one for years.
But where some would say it is best to end it then I do not agree. If that were best I would have ended it years ago.
It is very easy for others to say do this and do that but you and only you can decide.
In my case I have no family and one of the advantages I get to being with my man is that I am now part of his large and caring family (three of them have aspergers too). That is something which is very important to me.
I am physically disabled and one of the advantages to being with a person with high functioning aspergers is that they are always eager to do practical and physical things. My guy is happy to do all of the housework, chores, gardening etc when I have no energy and am too ill to do anything much. I know that if I found a man who was NON aspergers he would not. I also know that all of the men I met before him and considered as a partner were gold diggers, had nothing at all to offer. They wanted to take and take and give nothing in return.
You must look at whether the advantages to being with him out weigh the disadvantages. You must also ignore what other people think. There is nothing wrong with being scared of being on your own or hating the idea of not having a man - it is not illegal and it has it's advantages.
Some women hate the idea of being single - that is up to them. They know how high their chance is of replacing their man with a better one - nobody here can know that.
They decide whether being single is better.
I would flinch if you said your guy hits you and cheats on you and you still stay, but this guy does love you in his way, it is just that his condition prevents him from showing it and sharing it. It is not personal. It is not a case of how he is flowery and romantic with someone else. There is a lot to be said for a guy who is always there for you no matter what.
What faults do you have? You see you could see his aspergers as a fault but you could also see it as a quality. Because it has it's good sides too.
When I was very ill a few years ago I could not have coped without my aspergers man. He was the one who organised the ambulances, nurses, doctors, visits back and forth, he was the one who made sure my business did not shut down during all this chaos and me not being there or able to continue for a while, he was the one who took care of my pets. He was the one who would run out to get me a back rest or some strawberries at midnight.
Nobody can know what it is to be you or how it feels to have your feelings. So do not let anyone else make your decision for you.
I am sure that someone else would say you must sit him down and talk to him and tell him how you feel. Pmsl.lol. People with aspergers do not get feelings! They turn off when you want to talk about them. Or they pay them lip service and say what you want to hear.
It is a pointless exercise. Believe me I have tried, and I am professionally qualified in it. When they hear words such as I feel unloved, I feel neglected etc. it means no more to them than please put out the dustbin.
They think so long as they are not cheating or shouting at you or drinking a lot or any of the physically abusive things one can do to a partner then you are moaning about nothing, you are making a huge thing out of a tiny or non existent thing. They will think to themselves oh dear she is having a bad day today, I wonder who upset her.
Someone upset her and now I am getting it. Maybe she has a headache. Maybe she got some bad news. But why is she taking it out on me? Because they do not get emotions.
They do not get that them not showing emotion hurts you.
They cannot see how it is wrong.
You need to see how they feel and think first before you can move forward in any direction. The more you understand him and how thought patterns the easier it is.
Sometimes I have to spend a day with my partner and three of his family - who are all high end aspergers! It is like getting the whole thing repeated and in stereo.
But on the other hand they care about me in their way.
They look forward to visiting me or zooming with me.
They do far more for me and are far nicer to me than my real original family who I had to disown years ago.
So think on, don't throw the baby out with the bath water.
Not all relationships have to be full of passion and romance and flowery bits to be worthwhile.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2020): Have you considered that your mate could be on the autism spectrum or displaying signs of Asperger's Syndrome? I'll refrain from any comment regarding the mortgage...it is what it is! Seek legal advice about that. I caution you from seeking support from someone already taken; there's no justification or excuse for ruining the relationship of another couple; because you can't deal with the one you've got!
It's as hard as lifting a boulder with a teaspoon getting women to let-go of aloof unresponsive-men they've fixated on; who don't reciprocate the feelings and devotion they have for them. The guy is nothing more than a habit or addiction. They form an inter-dependency or symbiotic-relationship, but not a healthy-romance. You're probably afraid to be alone, and you've settled on keeping him; because you fear you can't easily replace him. You probably dread the idea of being single, and the very thought of having to find another man. Thus, you'll gravitate towards someone already taken, broken-in, and conveniently within reach. How'd you feel, if the woman in that relationship was the one doing that to you? Betraying you behind your back; while slyly easing her way towards your man! Would there be any conceivable excuse she could use that you'd accept??? What advice would you give her?
Having an empty-shell or figure of a man is better than having no man at all...is that it??? You may as well get a life-sized cutout poster of him! You pour your feelings into an empty vessel, but things are otherwise great. How great? You've written a post to DC! You've contradicted your post by describing how empty and Vulcan-like he is on the one-hand; then explaining how impossible it is to let him go on the other. Tell me, which is it? If you can't let him go, why are you writing a post which you'll be told maybe the relationship has now run it's course? If you're venturing outside of the relationship to find what you need; then you're admitting through your actions that your relationship no longer fulfills you. Now you've put it in writing, and it's time you make a decision. Home-wrecking not being an option, nor a justifiable remedy!
My intent is not to be harsh or insensitive. You're a loving and devoted-person. I'm penetrating your emotions, to provoke thought and to appeal to your sense of logic. Your heart is in the way. That's a very difficult obstacle to get around. You're struggling, and that's why you're here. Been there, and done that!
Now for the tough-love part that women don't particularly care for. Feelings are wasted on people who don't reciprocate them. You've become a friend and housemate; not his lover and romantic-companion. You're still young and vibrant. You've imprisoned yourself in a kind of faux-marriage; which offers little intimacy and no affection. You're lonely, while living with a biological-unit/humanoid that's taken a chunk of ten years from your life. While you try to tell yourself it's good. Apparently, not good enough! You haven't described a lover or romantic-partner, you've described a platonic-friend!!! There may be love, but it has to be demonstrated and reinforced through affection and intimacy...otherwise, you're roommates; and the house is just a shared investment. You're a business-partner, and not his woman!
You don't give any back-history of how the relationship has changed or evolved over the past 10 years. That's often a sign of someone with a caretaker-personality; who saw something broken in a person, and they tried to rescue and fix that person. Maybe you saw his potential. He's a personal-project you've been working-on; because he has some special-qualities or gifts you highly admire, but now you've realized there's not much in him past that.
Mature and established-ladies in your age-group don't easily let-go of the men in their lives. They'll go the extra mile to make a relationship work. Stressed and distressed under a one-sided effort. No matter how long-term it is, it isn't a marriage. It's an honor-agreement held together by attraction and loyalty; and you still have options, when it fails. As cold as that seems, it's the reality. Perhaps you think only a man could see it that way. Then I've made my point! He's a man. Now process it as a woman would.
You shouldn't let-go too easily of a marriage; because you have to do whatever it takes to fix and preserve it. I say it time and time again; boyfriends and girlfriends are disposable and replaceable. When they don't reciprocate your feelings for them, cheat, when they don't maintain and earn your trust, when they don't have the ability to exchange emotional-support, show affection; and have no capacity to express passion. They gotta go!!! No ifs, and's, or buts! Love is too important to waste, and life is too short!
You've got to reach that state of mind and conviction on your own. When you look in the mirror watching yourself change with age, gravity is pulling at your body-parts, and you notice how quickly the pages of the calendar fly-by. He remains unchanged, and getting worse. Like an old stuffed-animal, present but lifeless. Yet you stay with a guy who makes you feel like you're living alone and undesirable.
You gotta do whatcha gotta do, girlfriend!
Now I'll let the aunts handle the question, you may not like a man's point of view.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2020): Have you considered that your guy has aspergers syndrome? It would explain what you have told us. But the idea of them getting an official diagnosis and then working on it is a waste of time in most cases. The diagnosis has no emotional meaning to them, just a word, they do not work with the therapist because they see nothing wrong with how they are - with them it is all about actions. Cheating on you is wrong, lying to you is wrong, stealing from you is wrong, but ignoring you or neglecting you or taking you for granted is just life, in their eyes. Some with aspergers make a huge issue out of birthdays but it is all play acting, they don't feel any of what they say. They say what they think is expected of them.
I would forget the idea of finding someone for emotional support because lots of men would eagerly say they are the one, you can lean on them, and they will understand. When what they really mean is drop your knickers and let me enjoy your body. It would complicate things and give you far more problems, but he would not care so long as he gets his sex. He might tell you he understands and loves you just to get it, does not mean he means it. Don't let anyone take advantage of you while you are low and vulnerable. Plenty would given the chance.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2020): I understand what you're saying... you are just different. You've always been and maybe you thought that you could do without all the things you say are now important to you. It turns out that you can't.
First you really need to define your priorities, what they are now and what you think they might be. People change so we can work only with what we have and think right now.
Be honest.
Write it down.
What requirements do you think your partner can fulfill if seriously asked to do so?
You mention important dates. My husband couldn't care less about his own b-day and honestly about everyone else's too. The same goes for holidays. So, if they are so important to you (priority) tell him so. Give him a calendar with important dates in red and what is expected so that he can prepare in advance. Let's say you want him to organize celebrating your anniversary this year (next year you do it). Mark the date in the calendar and mark a date in advance when he has to start making reservations in restaurants (if that's what you want). You want to exchange gifts, tell him so. Explain to him what you think constitutes a gift you'd like.
It may seem weird to you, but for some people this doesn't come naturally and it is very hard work.
He'll either go for it or he won't.
My husband (almost) never goes to restaurants. For him it's a waste of money. But he grew up very VERY poor. For me this is not such a big deal. So we go sometimes, not nearly as often as I used to go when I was single. I used to go just for a quick lunch, salad and soup, he on the other hand eats his lunch in his car on his break at work. Always. He goes to a restaurant with his colleagues only when he cannot avoid it.
If he doesn't have a hobby or any interests, well, if he's willing to participate in yours, use this as an opportunity to interest him in something. You can spend more quality time together. However, if he doesn't want to do anything, well that's a problem.
What I see as the real problem is his lack of desire. And showing how much he loves you and desires you.
If you have different sexual needs, well, then , it could be a deal-breaker.
Are you sure that he doesn't have any issues, physical or mental-emotional? I must say that it's not common that a man has such a low libido, unless there's something wrong.
Have you talked about it? Have you told him what you need? what did he say?
Have you thought about the possibility (or has your therapist mentioned it to you) that he might be depressed? Not just a little down, I mean seriously depressed. There are depressed people who are surprisingly (highly) functional in many areas. Very often after spending their energy on what they think are priorities (work) they feel drained and less inclined to invest more energy in what they feel should be their refuge (home, partner, relationships with family and friends - because by default those people should understand...). Depression can seriously impair the libido and sexual performance.
Don't play with fire. Even if you were not with your partner this other person you mention is in a relationship. This alone is a recipe for a disaster.
Since you are in a relationship where your needs are not met, you are vulnerable and can make poor choices. I'm writing from experience. Before I met my husband I was almost 7 years with a guy with whom I was not compatible. But I was his "carer" and it was difficult to leave him. I knew I didn't want to live with him, buy a home with him, marry him... but it was hard to leave a relationship where NONE of needs were met (weird). So I found somebody who could meet them and the guy was married. I wasn't hurt because I knew from the start what this had been, BUT, in retrospect I would have left my bf (which I eventually did) and found someone who was not married (idem).
Think about your priorities and talk to your partner.
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