A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my bf now for 3 months and although he is 12 years older he can be romantic. He is African american and I'm Canadian (when we are not making love). But he can be a bit of a control freak when it come to our love making. He says what we do and how he wants it done. Sometimes I would like more romantic moments when we are together. But I dont like to say anything to upset him. Its sort of normal for us to make love 2 or 3 times. Sometimes if he wakes up early he needs to make love before he goes to work. Its just that he likes sex and kninky stuff.I need to be in the mood for love making or performing something for him, and think I enjoy maybe more the just being together with him just the 2 of us . Maybe I am a freak or something but i dont always need or want sex. I just like relaxing in the evenings, I know guys are way more sexed up than us on the whole and as we have 1 car he always collects me from work . He does make meals for us and he does look after me v well. I just sometimes maybe feel I want a family and he doesnt, he says he enjoys how it is. How can I suggest subtly in a way that a man might understand that perhaps ther is more to life than what he is used to. ? It would be unfair to deny him his sex but how do i get my feelings accross please.
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female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (3 April 2018):
 If you don't want sex at particular moments; tell him. Get him to stop pressuring you long enough for you to actually verbally communicate this to him. I think that the problem here is that the two of you are sexually incompatible and you're honestly being taken advantage of since you don't always want it but it's being forced on you. The thing is; while you're not wanting to deny him pleasure, he is probably planning the next time he will disregard what it is that you want (and need) just so that he can get off and guess what; you're allowing him to do that. What about your wants, needs, pleasure and desires? Sex is a job for you at this point with all the schedules and expectations... it's supposed to be fun and enjoyable FOR BOTH PARTIES.
You've got a long conversation ahead of you with some possible decision making.
I hope that you make the right decision for YOU and not just for him.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2018): He doesn't understand how graceful life is to him right now. If he did, he'd accept immediately the suggestion of starting a family. Anyway, you need to talk to him about it. Maybe show him this post and the responses even. Communication is the key.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2018): WiseOwlE, he's 12 years older and she's not saying she doesn't want sex. Perhaps you misread some of it? He's pushing her for sex and convinced her it's all about what he "needs" and "can't live without". Plenty of men her age and older would want her to enjoy it too and be okay with not having sex every day.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2018): [EDIT]:
"That is, until one day you just can't deal with it anymore. Then in a big fight you'll tell him off!"
Post script:
I'm gay. There are certain things that my lover likes that I'm not crazy about. Way-back when we first started dating; that's when I explained what is good for me and what's not. However; he has learned to ease things so I can enjoy it. So through discussion and compromise, we have made satisfactory adjustments. It's win-win for everyone!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2018): Sorry, you're not going to find many guys in your age-group (18-21) who just want to lounge around and not want sex.
He's at an age his sex-drive is at its peak; so he's got sex on the brain. It's easily accessible; so he'll want it like a kid in a candy-shop. You'll just have to learn to say no when you're not in the mood in spite of the boyish-pouting or getting pissed with you. It's your body, and you either teach guys how you wish to be treated; or let them have their way. His race is irrelevant.
You're a novelty right now, having sex on-demand is the bomb for young people your age.
You'll gain respect and make the proper adjustments by letting your partner know when the time is, or is not, right for you. You don't just submit to avoid making him mad or fear he will find it elsewhere. If he's the type who cheats, he'll do it no matter how much you give to him.
Sex is best when both parties want and enjoy it.
As a young woman, you're starting out on the wrong foot when you get partners who are more than you can handle; when you're too passive or submissive. Too ready to please the other person; than to control what people do with your mind and body. You're no match for the aggressive male-type; but you've got to learn that's what he is. He runs the show, and he decides what you do in bed. The hell with what you've got to say about it.
I say he's too much for you, but you won't listen. So things continue as usual. That is, until one day you just can deal with it anymore. Then in a big fight you'll tell him off!
You might make him mad if he doesn't get his way; but how will you ever find-out if all he needed was a firm talking-to? Just a few fine-adjustments and things would be just fine! Somethings you've got to let your partner know, or they will be totally selfish. Use your words.
Relationships go two-ways. He gets what he wants, IF and only If, you get what you want. You can't handle the dominant male-type who is oversexed. I guess you will have to go through it until you can't take it anymore. I'll plant the seed of wisdom, and hopefully it's in fertile soil.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2018): Sorry, sweetie. He's just using you for SEX. It's all fantasy exploration for him. There is no love there. If I were you, I'd be worried about the day he will grow bored with you and throw you away like a used toy. That day will come. I would get out now. Sorry but it's the truth.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (1 April 2018):
 Also, get on birth control and ALWAYS use condoms. You don't know what STDs he may have or if he'll accidentally get you pregnant just because he doesn't want to use condoms! You can't trust him, OP, and you aren't making wise decisions. This relationship could quite literally ruin your future.
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A
female
reader, AmberWaves  +, writes (1 April 2018):
Telling your feelings to the one who claims to love you should never upset him. Does he turn it around and accuse you of trying to change him? .And sex 2-3 times a day, presumably upon waking and at bedtime ... and he makes the calls? Making love is mutual. What you describe is purely sex. You don’t have to be so accommodating. It’s perfectly normal to feel and say “I’m too tired. ” or “I’m not in the mood”. It’s okay for him to go to bed alone so you can finish the book or stay up to watch another episode of a show. I married a guy like yours and it took 20 years to realize our relationship was not about us at all, it was only about him and how he coped with stress. I expect your guy will refuse counseling, feign affection, but is perfectly happy. Selfish, self centered, narcissistic...
I recommend you both read the book “His Needs, Her Needs”, but prepare to be disappointed.... if your guy is like mine he won’t read it and doesn’t really care about working toward mutual satisfaction. While his needs are being met the only problem, he’ll say, is in your head.
If you are determined to stay in this relationship get a professional to help you with confidence and find your voice.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2018): "How can I suggest subtly in a way that a man might understand that perhaps ther[e] is more to life than what he is used to. ?"
You can't.
He's told you he "enjoys how it is." Believe him.
You moved in with a guy you barely know and now you're discovering just how incompatible the you of two really are, sexually and otherwise.
You can either accept the reality that he is who is he is, cut your losses and consider the past few weeks as a valuable learning experience . . . OR you can spend the next several months/years/decades of your life waiting for him to miraculously change into who you want him to become. Your call.
I'd be curious to know exactly why you were in such a hurry to shack up with an older guy. Is/was your father a presence in your life?
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (31 March 2018):
Forgot to add:
- you're not a freak
- this is sex, not making love
- it's too early for love
- he sees this as sex for him, not sex for both of you
- not all men are "sexed up", most are happy to compromise and meet your desires too
- you can absolutely deny him sex when you don't want it
NEVER force yourself to have sex just because he wants it. He does NOT "need" it in the morning. He does not "need" the kinks. You have every right to say "I want more romance" and "I don't want sex tonight/today".
OP, I'm concerned that you're so inexperienced and not using common sense. This relationship is not safe or heatlhy for you. He's much older and using it to his advantage. You need to be with someone closer to your age who cares about your romantic and sexual wants too, as well as NOT LIVING WITH A BOYFRIEND when you haven't been together long.
This is not love, OP. Please listen to us.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (31 March 2018):
OP, you're not going to like what I'm going to say, but please listen.
It could be his age. He's controlling and has convinced you he "needs" things, but he doesn't. You also don't say what YOU want because you don't want to upset him. You shouldn't be having sex with someone if you can't tell them what you want too.
You also shouldn't be discussing family, right now. You're barely an adult and you've only been together a couple of months. That's enough to say "I want a family in the future, do you?", but not discuss it at length.
Do you live with him? If so, MOVE OUT NOW! You shouldn't be living together or even staying the night regularly at this stage. It's all been moving too fast.
OP, you are so young and naive. I'm sorry, but you really need to listen to us. This man is manipulative and you're not old enough to have the courage to say "stop". You need to learn.
Live with family, friends or on your own - not with this man you barely know. He is controlling and doesn't care about what you want. What does he PERFORM for you? He's not particularly romantic either, just wants what he can benefit from sex.
Subtle won't work and, from what you've described, he could become aggressive if you challenge his idea of this relationship. You need to discuss it in a public place, not alone and do NOT stay overnight/live with him.
Seriously, OP, your judgement is very poor in this situation and you need to back off from this relationship, if not break up because this guy is not compatible with you and doesn't care what you want.
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