A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello there, I have a horrible feeling that I can't get rid of. It's probably quite common but I need to get over it.My boyfriend always said he didn't look at porn and wasn't interested in other women, just me, which i knew sounded too good to be true, but I liked the idea so I accepted it. I knew that really he looked at porn every now and then cos I noticed he'd deleted the computer history so he must have been doing something in secret. However I made up excuses for him and forgot about it because I didn't actually KNOW for certain. Then he did it again the other day and I searched on the internet to see if it's possible to restore history after it has been deleted because I wanted to know if he was lying to me (I brought it up, just briefly as a joke and he denied it). I gave up after not long cos I felt I was betraying him by sneaking up on him but I forgot to delete the history and he saw it. So basically he knew that I knew and he admitted to me that he goes on porn and said he wont do it again. I told him it was ok but I can't help feeling really horrible inside at the thought of him masturbating over other women. I know it's meant to be acceptable for boyfriends to watch porn but why is this? I really can't help feeling like he has cheated on me, especially as I'm insecure as it is. I posted before about reading a message from my boyfriend to his friend saying "I'm not exactly a supermodel, but nice inside" so I already have insecurities, without knowing that my boyfriend looks at other women whilst masturbating. Since he told me yesterday I can't help but see him differently especially as he lied to me. How do I know whether to believe him now when he says he wont do it again? I told him I dont mind him doing it though as I don't want to control him but really I don't want him to. Maybe I should watch it with him or something?
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cheated on me, insecure, porn, the internet Reply to this Question
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female
reader, kenzi77  +, writes (2 November 2009):
I have struggled with this too, and there really does not seen to be a good answer.
I think that some of the replies are a little harsh on here. It seems to me that people think that you must have a "self esteem problem" if you are offended with porn, but I belive that is a little strange and rude to assume. I think a lot of women have self esteem problems BECAUSE of porn. If we did not have these big busty ladies with perfect stomachs, long hair, and nice butts performing sexual acts so that men could watch them we probably would not have anything to compare oursevles too, after all it is hard not to compare yourself to something the person that you love is lusting for. You want to be the only one he has eyes for.
I understand what you are going through and I feel for you.
I also know that men are very visual and they see porn as a release, and as much as you may hate it, most men that I know say its perfectly normal.
I think unless it is effecting your sexual routine, or he is ignoring you, you might have to compromise. I really hope that things work out for you!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2009): Try this simple mind trick..
Imagine if you had an accident or an illness.. Suppose you lost a breast, a leg, or got your face totally destroyed in a car accident....
"Would he love you any less, would he leave you, would you still be you, the woman he loves and adores? What if it was him, would you leave him, find someone "prettier", handsome, "normal". Or would keep him, and see him as the man you love, and the man you love much more, because you realise that life is precious and dangerous, and could end at any time.
Now what dose he feel for them women, "the pinup in a centrefold"? Dose he love and cherish them. If they were to get disfigured, or ill, he'd feel sorry for them. But he wouldn't continue to look at their pictures, he wouldn't stay faithfull to them. What is the difference between love and lust? How does he feel, how do you feel about commitment and between commitment and trust? Have you both ever talked about these things. A think it's probably a good idea to start there.
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A
male
reader, RosesAreRed86 +, writes (27 October 2009):
Get over it. It's totally normal behavior for men to watch porn and as long as he isn't getting physical with other women, who really cares? Would it be legitimate for him to get all mad at you for watching your favorite TV show featuring that cute actor you like? Absolutely not. I think your problem is that you are really insecure.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2009): I agree with Gina, but my god some other replies are insensitive!Also going through a similar thing, and it is my self-esteem that's an issue as well. I know it feels like you've been cheated on, its a horrible feeling. Especially when that person is telling you that you are their everything and they want nothing else.I've also tried to come to terms with the fact that its just "a guy thing", and a lot of men do it, but found that really hard.Also found I was becoming paranoid about more things than this, and took it out on myself, thinking I wasn't good enough etc. Also, it felt like he was keeping a secret, I'm not sure I would have been so bothered by it if he'd been open from the start, I wouldn't have been so surprised I guess.I don't think you have to accept him watching porn when you're in a relationship if you don't want to. I certainly can't. Some people are ok with it, others aren't. I have a male friend who found out his girlfriend watched porn and was really broken up about it too, so its not just the girls who get worrying either :).I confronted the situation yesterday, it took me absolutely ages though, but I managed to get the words out in the end...in quite a roundabout way, but still. He said he didn't know I felt that way, and would stop now he knew it was bothering me. Now, whether this is the case remains to be seen, but I think you need to talk about it with your boyfriend, however hard you find it, because I felt a load lighter afterwards, even if the situation hasn't been entirely resolved just yet. I need some of that reassurance back I think. Anyways. Hope you get this sorted :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2009): The male anon poster believes that evey man given the chance will watch porn.
That isn't true. I know plenty of mature, educated men that do not watch porn, ever, they may have seen it once or twice when they were young, young and single, but it is really an immature behavior.
It isn't true that porn exists on the internet because all men are driven to watch it. It is on the internet because people are preverted enough to sell their bodies to make a living. Also, once someone starts watching porn it often becomes a habit and an addiction, like smoking cigarettes, the porn creates the addiction the habit.
Human behavior at it's most basic level is habit. The thing is human beings also have a mind to think with and they can choose the behavior or not choose the behavior.
I think it is funny that humans will sit at a computer screen and keep clicking the mouse to get another fix of sex...it is like the Pavlov's dog or a rat pushing a button for a pellet of food. It is really not living life at it's highest level, now is it.
Don't listen to the porn dog's telling you that you have the problem and you need to get over it...you absolutely do not.
If you need someone to support your belief and your ability to use your brain, I am willing to talk to you, just PM me. There are a lot of weak souls that cruise this site, don't be one of them.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2009): Given the chance, every man will look at porn. Our brains are wired to want sex and to see sexual acts being performed. If that weren't the case, then there would be no porn on the internet. Oh by the way... it's the single biggest industry on the web. Not by chance.
So with that said... if you put shackles on your man and forbid him from doing what comes naturally, then you will RUIN your relationship. Stop spying on him too, geez, what an invasion of privacy.
Why do you care if he masturbates while looking at naked women or people having sex? Do you want as much sex as he does? Are you jealous that he is not cumming solely for you? He's not out there doing it for real, so he obviously values your relationship. Isn't that enough for you, or do you need to be completely overbearing and controlling?
This is something that you need to get over and deal with, not him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2009): Ugh. Here is the deal- you want to control him you just dont want people to realize that you are controlling him and criticize you for it.
I dont think people, including him, will be fooled for long by your behavior.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2009): I don't read anywhere in your post that you have a self esteem issue, you have a boyfriend issue.
You have a young stud here who likes to look at porn and wank himself or go to you and have release.
You have a boyfriend that writes to his friend about your physical appearance and being nice inside probably wasn't referring to your personality....eeew.
You don't like porn and you find it insulting to you that now that he has a girlfriend lying in his bed that he is turning to the computer for sex!
In fact it feels disrespectful, and well guess what it is if he is relying on porn when he has you...you are having an honest emotion about that, so do not discount it by making excuses for his behavior or by listening to others that say you are being insecure in your own body if you can't accept your boyfriend's porn watching.
Personally, I think he needs to grow up, and he may not be as invested in this relationship as you are. It is easy for a guy to have a girlfriend, they like having a naked girl in their bed, but it is a lot more difficult for them to be a man that can step up and live up to your standards.
You have a boundary here that you told him about up front, you don't like pornogrophy, don't want it to be part of your relationship and guess what he doesn't care because he is a little boy addicted to porn.
You caught him with his fingers in the cookie jar and he promised he wouldn't do it again.
Well, that remains to be seen. You are dating the guy, you are learning things about him and you may be finding out that he is not worthy of being in a relationship with you.
Don't change your values or your standards to be with some guy, it doesn't work, you won't feel any differently watching porn with him because those are part of your values....and you do not have to change that for anyone...because when you do you are going against your core values and what makes you who you are...once you do that you will have self esteem problems because you won't be living your authentic life.
Be who you are, find someone who is like you and wants to be the man you need him to be.
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A
male
reader, called Steve +, writes (23 October 2009):
 Whilst it is true that most men look at porn it's not to necessarily to provide masturbation material, you intimated that was what he did... but you dont know for sure, you are tormenting yourself for assuming he actually 'gets off' by it.
Personally do not go looking for porn - when on the web, it comes to you depending on what sites you go on and there associated ads - it is unfortunately the biggest money maker on the planet and as such will be pushed down our throats (no pun intended)
I occasionally enter websites where porn is, but some information is stored specifically on porn websites as it is not legal. Sometimes I look for passwords etc for certain software and strictly speaking that is not legal! I openly admit to going on websites but not to look at porn, I dont hide that fact - it is linked to my business.
For YOU to get over it - you need to have a very open and frank discussion with your partner and be very, very honest. To hide anything will defy the whole point of the conversation so you must set those basic rules first.
Good luck!
Steve
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A
female
reader, HonningKanin  +, writes (23 October 2009):
 You ask the question "I know its acceptable for guys to watch porn by why is it?" The answer is its not if you dont want or accept it.I personally have no issue with my husband looking at porn because I watch porn as well. I also dont have issues with him watching on TV or the computer other women. The arent real. They dont actually threaten me and I have complete trust in my husband. I trust he will not cheat on me. However you have an issue with porn. It makes you feel insecure and like you are not "up to scratch." I have to tell you something though. Humans are visual creatures. We get aroused very easily especially by visual aids. He may be looking at the porn, but when he is masterbating could be thinking of you. You just dont know. I accept he will be attracted to other women. He is only human. I myself will be attracted to other men. I am only human. These other men might arouse me, but it doesn't mean I will cheat on my husband with them. Infact 9 times out of 10 when I get aroused by someone or a sexy scene in a movie, I turn to my husband for the release. However knowing he is attracted to other women still doesn't bother me because I trust him to love and be with me. I have no fear at all and porn of all things. Something that isn't even real certainly poses no threat to me. The real issue is that he lied to you when he could have been honest. If he knew your opposition to porn before, that means you set up a boundry he shouldn't cross. He crossed it and you shouldn't need to put up with it. He lied to you and you shouldn't have to put up with that either. Porn is only an underlying issue. You need to either become ok with porn(not that you need to or should) or break up with him for crossing and not respecting the boundries of the relationship. Relationships are give and take and if he wants to be with you, you do come with conditions. So does he and if your conditions are not compatible this will only end with one partner feeling less that what they are worth.The choices are yours.HonningKanin
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