A
female
age
41-50,
*d6269
writes:Dear Cupid,I have been in a relationship for about a year with one of our finest Military Seargents who lives on base. We met online on HOTORNOT in the Meet me section and just hit it off from there and see each other on the weekends when were not fighting. I have asked him over and over to delete himself from that site but he refuses and says its harmeless and hes not actually meeting them, but he chats with them. The thing that really bothers me is when he went back home he cheated on me with someone much younger and Im sure he met her online too. I do love him and he is being deployed for the second time to Iraq. Am I hopeless? I don't want to be with someone who needs to be online chatting with other women, is it too much to ask of him? I break up with him all the time telling him I won't except it, should I really finalize it and just be done with it after a year?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2007): Absolutely not...you are not hopeless. You are hurt because of what he is doing. I am assuming this is a committed, love relationship when you say, "I have been in a relationship for about a year". Based on that, I agree totally with you. If he values, you and respects your feelings about this committment, then he would quit what he is doing and delete his profile, as a display of his honorable intentions to you and this relationship. How can you build trust with a man who is telling you, he's not willing to give up his chats with other women, especially in lieu of his history where you say, "he cheated on you with someone much younger and he met her online too". Your feelings are stemming from a foreboding sense that something about your relationship is not secure, nor safe. So yes, your feelings and instincts are well founded. Is it okay to be bothered by that? Of course it is. When we love someone, we don't do sneaky things that upsets the ones we love. We work hard to make them feel safe in a relationship. That is love and respect. And if this is harmless chatting with females to him, ask him to do it when you are around, better still...ask him if you can join in the chats with his new friends? I am curious what he would say. But chatting, and possibly flirting with women online, is affecting the time and energy he normally would put into your relationship with you. I feel that couples, have a commitment that precludes opposite-sex attention-getting maneuvers. A person who continually chats with others of the opposite sex, when you have asked him to stop is showing extreme lack of control and bad judgment, not to mention the emotional pain put on you, the very person they love. I think he may be taking him a bit for granted and it time to set some big boundaries here.. Just some things to think about. I think it's time to talk with him..he doesn't sound like a very considerate, giving man. But you know him best...tell him this behaviour is wrong and it's deeply hurting the relationship. Take a stand..don't be afraid to ask for something you want. Try that and if he doesn't want to make this sacrifice for you, then that says a lot about his true character. You may have to rethink this relationship and ask,,if he is committed to you. Ask what is in your heart? That there is a purpose to dating. There is a goal at the end of all of it. You want someone you love, who loves you, in a mutually exclusive relationship leading possibly to happily ever after. I really think if he can't give up his profile for you, and insists on chatting with females behind your back, you will realize you cannot go 'happily ever after' with this man. And you will move on. I wish you luck, dear and I am sorry..this isn't a more positive message for you. Please be strong and keep us posted.
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