A
female
age
36-40,
*ic_Zoo16
writes:Hi Folks, I have been with my boyfriend for about a year now and I love him completely- we are very happy. Despite this- I find I am becoming increasingly obsessed with his ex wife, the fact that he has been married before me and nothing is 'new' for him. He says things like 'she is a wonderful person and he can't regret his marriage to her'- its just they drifted apart....she is by all accounts very nice, beautiful and an overacheiever at everything. Its very painful to hear, I feel like a cheap second best. I have tried to talk to him about it but it doesnt really help. He tells me he loves me all the time, so really I think I might be going mad with jealousy and paranoia but dont know how to stop it.Please help!
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female
reader, Vic_Zoo16 +, writes (7 October 2010):
Vic_Zoo16 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies guys. I know he is a super bloke- and he does treat me like a princess, I birng up his ex more than he does in fairness..... I suppose it is something wrong in myself, the more I think about it I sort of can't believe or understand why he is with me. I am going to try and calm myself down- afterall there is nothing I can do to change the past....thanks.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 October 2010):
 What are you talking about "nothing is new to him". He hasn't been married to you before, has he?
You're not second best. In live people aren't ranked like that. You're you, his ex wife is his ex wife, and he is married to you now. He didn't rank either of you. He didn't go shopping, and then picked his ex over you, and then returned her to the store because of malfunction, and then has to settle for you. Thats not what happened. What happened is he married, they slid apart, she is a lovely woman but it wasn't working for him. Then you came along. And he experienced something so great with you that he wanted to marry you. And so he did. And everything is new because he has never been married to you before. If he picked up some good routines from his last marriage that is only a plus (like laying the toilet seat down).
Remember that we all learn from our experiences. And bad relationships, or past relationships, help us grow as a person and makes us better at relationships, because it teaches us how to be around another person, respect them, and how to treat another right. These are good things. Im not saying divorced men are better husbands than men that have never been married before, but learning through experience is a fact of life.
Work on yourself and figure out why you feel this insecure about your relationship and yourself. You are the one who rank yourself second best. Try and figure out why you do this to yourself so you can be happier.
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A
male
reader, Cccc  +, writes (5 October 2010):
 Well...
DONT believe everything I say and ALSO dont lose hope.
I had something like that but only in a relationship.Although it seems like he doesnt regret the divorce its true that he decided to learn from what happened rather then just resent everything and learn nothing accept a great deal of rejection and ANti-Trust for the future.
BUT when a partner brings up his Ex the whole time IN MY OPINION hes probably comparing and this happens sub-consciously thats why hes bringing her up in the first place.Im not sure I should tell you that maybe hes not Over his EX but he really wants to make you two work.
But time will tell I guess.
You should probably adopt a "Im the best and not second best" attitude otherwise youre going to bring yourself down.
I know this sounds stupid but if youre going to continue thinking this way everything he does will just look like a cover up...but who knows?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): awh! firstly . its a good thing that your partner has come out of a marriage with no obvious hang ups and its all been amicable - you find that when (and its rare) it ends that way its very healthy for all involved , including future partners such as yourself - he obviously has no hang ups about his previous relationship and thats great news for you and your future together ... however , remind yourself that if everything was so perfect with them he would still be within that marriage and not with you ;0)
it happens , people grow together or grow apart and that doesnt mean it has to end horribly and it doesnt mean an amicable end signifies that you should feel like second best .How can you be? he did not know you at the time he met his previous wife to make that choice ;0)
Its just a case of the old green eyed monster rearing its ugly head and you are just going to have to beat it back with the facts before you - hes with you he tells you he loves you - you are happy ...You have to let his past be his past , for both your sakes as he divorced her wishing to move forward - dont hold you both back and good luck xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): It's not him you need to talk to, this isn't his problem. You have someone who isn't bitter and doesn't have regrets that is so much better than someone who is letting the past eat him up.
You are not second best, no matter how good he says she is, he is not with her they split up, you are his choice not her, how can make you feel second best?
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (5 October 2010):
 What a lovely man to not bag his ex wife, how lucky are you to have a man who is not bitter as a result of a divorce.
You can't undo his past, his past is what led him to where he is today, with you!
I am sorry you feel second best, I doubt he sees you as second best, he might see you as a new chance at happiness, he might see his previous marriage as a practice run, and his relationship with you as the "real" deal.
If you cant stop the jealousy and paranoia maybe you should consider some counselling to help you deal with them.
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