A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm definitely a girl with a rather large submissive streak, I can understand the reason he wants me to be more 'in-control' dure in sex....because, obviously it adds variety and spice to the relationship and it's a fantasy most men seem to have.But I just don't want to think of it that way, I don't want to picture my boyfriend as submissive in any sort of way, it makes me feel physically ill. I want to picture him as domineering in an alpha-male sort of way in the bedroom. I don't mind being on-top as long as I feel secure that he's in control somewhat, behind the scenes. I tried to explain this to him in a recent conversation, and he said he was dissapointed that I was so close-minded and selfish....this just makes me extremely sad and leaves me feeling like a failure as a girlfriend at that, because I would do anything else to make him happy, just not this because it's such a huge turn-off to me personally. In all honesty, I just want to please him and feel love for him but I can't force myself to do something if I dislike it so. He always asks why I feel this way because it's so silly of me. How can I explain to him why this makes me feel ill, in a serious manner without offending him?Do you think it's something that can be resolved?Much appreciation for any replies. :) Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Fiona xxx +, writes (20 May 2009):
 I think the first concern is the easiest to address. By talking and having it that on some occasions he's on top and others you are. I think you need to talk, and explain you want him to surprise you and take control, wanting it there and then. Perhaps it's down to role reversal, sometimes you be like that, and sometimes he does. Sometimes sex is about acting and doesn't necessarily reflect everyday life and control in everyday life if that makes sense. Are you worried that he'll some how opt out of all responsibilities/control in life. That you somehow soldier the practical and emotional burdens for stuff. In many respects that's a seperate issue.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2009): We've been together for around ten months to a year, so I think that's sort of long.
Fiona, by saying that he's in control behind the scenes I mean: 'Or that on other occasions he would be more forward and dominant and decides to hold you in that way that says he wants it "there and then?"'
I guess there are some deeper worries, I panic that he'll want me to be that way all the time and that a) I'm going to resume the 'guy' postion in the relationship, b)He's going to turn gay on me (but there's not much I can do about that.)
I'm pretty much a tomboy in every-day life, so sex is something where I can really try to embrace my femininity if that makes much sense.
Much thanks to both replies. :)
...............................
A
male
reader, NinetiesKid +, writes (20 May 2009):
I suggest telling him that you want to be controlled during sex. In my opinion, he's being ignorant towards your feelings but I'm not sure what words you put together to explain how you feel because he may be sensitive..
Maybe try a bit of dirty talk?
And maybe change positions during intercourse and he may begin to like the feeling of being in control..
Also, when you're on top, place his hands on your sides and this may encourage him to help you move your hips.
Hope I've helped x
...............................
A
female
reader, Fiona xxx +, writes (20 May 2009):
I can see where you are coming from. I bet you are used to guys who want it "there and then" and find that a turn on. I think you have become that used to more forward men and not had the chance to be on top before or even think about it. So you think it's not for you. In a way we often carry on with what we are used to, until somebody suggests differently.
"I don't mind being on-top as long as I feel secure that he's in control somewhat, behind the scenes".
What do you mean? That you relationship is stable, he's in control of his life generally, orgnised, strong in the reliable sense, strong emotionally and your rock emotionally when you need him...? Or that on other occasions he would be more forward and dominant and decides to hold you in that way that says he wants it "there and then"?
Perhaps he prefers his women on top?
How long have you been together? If it's only a short time or you have only just started having sex, then perhaps he does prefer his women on top, always has, always will.
I had never been on top until I met my husband. It was only a couple of weeks into our relationship when he guided me in place so to speak. There wasn't the discussion beforehand, so I didn't have the time to get worried about it.
Sometimes because I have experienced the "there and then" sex, I sometimes wish he'd be more like that. But if I feel that way, I can be more "there and then" with my approach - something I didn't think I would do in the past you see. So it's not so much about not wanting to see the guy in a submissive way, but getting the thrill out of being more dominant if that makes sense. That must be what it's like for guys who are more dominant.
So if you know how it feels to be more submissive, that's the feeling he's obviously after.
Something tells me it's deeper than you needing to get into the mindset of the thrill of being "in control" when you are used to "feeling submissive".
...............................
|
