A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm sorry if this is So long, it is both a rant and a request for advise. Let me start by saying I love my wife very much, and she is the most important thing in the world to me after my kids. I truly believe she is my soulmate. She was also my first love and my only. We've been together sence we were teenagers. About five years into our relationship, she left me. She lived with family who had an older man living with them, she hooked up with him and had a brief relationship with him. About two months later we got back together, then got married and had three kids. This was twelve years ago, but it still pains me to know she's been with another. I wonder about their relationship, if he made her happy, if he was better in bed, and all sorts of stuff like that I really shouldn't think about. It was also crushing to overhear be has a big one, I've always been self conscious about my penis as its a little below average. She has been the only one to see me erect. I also wonder how much of a relationship, if any she had with this man before she left me. I can't escape this completely, as it get brought up from time to time by my in laws. I have always been the breadwinner and except for the couple months we were seperated, I've been solely supporting her sence she was 16. That does not bother me, as honestly, I'd rather her be home to tend to the house and children. It's that the housework doesn't get done. Laundry piles up, and she nags me that I don't help out around the house. She comes from a messed up family, and she was passed from person to person during her childhood. She spent most of her time with a controlling aunt who had caused us a lot of problems. For many years, my wife would cater to her, being her vertual slave, taking care of her house while neglecting ours. I felt like I was in the back seat. Coupled with what happened with our split, I feel like I'm not her first priority, and replaceable. Fortunately, my wife finally seen the light and figured out she was being used. She hasn't spoken to that aunt in a few years, life has been peaceful. Another thing is we were smokers, I had to quit for medical reasons and I'd like her to as well, I'd like us to begin a healthy lifestyle. She refuses to even attempt quitting. It makes it hard on me, because I still have the urges, and I have to watch her smoke the cigarettes that I bought and smell it. We were also going to the gym, trying to get into shape. I'd like her to lose weight as she gained 100 lbs after kids. I really don't care what she looks like, I just want her healthy. However, I also worry about her looking good, getting her self confidence back and returning to her flirty old self. I really don't think she'd be out looking for men, but its in the back of my head. She always is in a bad mood, she yells a lot, I really don't like the yelling. Her response to my bringing that up is "you knew I had a temper back then, deal with it". I need some advise on how to deal with these things, and be happy. I don't want to leave, but I can't be on my toes anymore.
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confidence, crush, flirt, got back together, lose weight, my penis, older man, soulmate Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2012): If you really want the abuse to stop start by getting some self-respect. Then demand that she respect you.If she refuses, then kick her out. You can't hold yourself hostage because of fear.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2012): It's not really the fact of being alone. I was alone when we were seperated, I tried dating, but all I could think of was her. I am also concerned more about my kids. If we were to split, I couldn't handle not being with my kids everyday. As well she has no means to support herself and nowhere to go except for the family I'm trying to keep my kids away from.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2012): I am afraid you are asking the impossible - how to be happy when all the things that make you miserable are outside your control and permanent. If your happiness depends on her changing a multitude of things about herself i am afraid it won't happen and you are just going to have to resign yourself to being unhappily married if staying with her is more important to you than being non-miserable. So it really boils down to clarifying your priorities. It sounds like you don't want to be with her - and for good reason! - just that you are afraid to be alone. You need to get over that fear. Its really not bad being alone and it wont be forever. You're still young, you have decades of life ahead of you. As long as you let that fear of being alone rule you, you will continue to be unhappy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2012): I am sorry to hear about your difficult marriage. You cannot change someone no matter how much its in their interest to change. You decided to quit smoking which is great but that was your choice not hers so don't blame her for your struggle to stay healthy. Find other ways to stick to your new healthier lifestylem if you have to spend less time around her then do that. And stop trying to get her to lose weight. Yes its unhealthy but she doesn't want to so you should respect her wish to stay obese. If you truly don't care about her weight as you claim then leave her alone to her unhealthy lifestyleYou might have to come to the realization that you don't like who your wife is. To be honest your first paragraph describing how your wife is your soul mate does not jive with the rest of your post. It does not sound like you have any positive connection to her. Maybe you are clinging to an idea that is not real? You cannot pick a predetermined outcome (in this case staying in your marriage) and try to force yourself to be happy. Reality doesn't work that way. You can come to some acceptance of your situation but to do that you have to sacrifice some or a lot of happiness. If you wish to be happier you may have to seriously consider focusing less on your marriage and not give your marriage so much power to dictate how you feel but that brings up the question of what purpose does the marriage serve?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 December 2012):
 You are in a codependent relationship. Her background has taught her that to get what she wants she has to use manipulative, fear inducing tactics. Her verbal abuse is to keep your self confidence low so you will continue to provide for her financially. It is not about your shortcomings. It is just loud decibels. It is your choice to stay in this marriage and I am afraid the only way you can keep yourself sane is to detach from her emotionally. You also have to put your emotionally needs aside as you can not rely on her in that way. To be with her is to accept your role as her emotionaly care taker. Your needs at 16 years old is tremendously different from right now. You matured but she is still like a child stuck in that 200lb body. One way to make her quit smoking is to stop buying her cigarettes, the reason being she is verbally abusive. When she does gets nicer tell her that it's healthy to stop smoking. Whenever she raises her voice you go play with the children, or go to the bedroom and shut the door. Refuse to argue with her. She will always have the last word.
At the end, if you want to divorce her it does not mean you will be single forever. You stated that she had desires to be with other people. This desire is in you too.
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