A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm kind of stuck in such a classic situation: really like a guy but I don't know if he's feeling the same!It all started when I met Stefan last winter at a job fair organised by the uni he goes to. We flirted a bit but that was it as I was still with another boyfriend back then.I'm studying abroad and got to add him on facebook 2 months later, he was really nice and we chatted a lot! Now I'm back home and we met up 3 times already, the first time we went to the cinema (he paid, so it was kinda "date-like") and the next time we went out for drinks. It got really late and our cars were the only ones left so we decided to get into his to talk. Well, we started kissing and making out and I gave him a bj! I know I shouldn't have, it was just the spure of the moment.Before that happened we agreed to see a film on the next day and a friend of his was going to join us as well.So the three of us did go out the next day and Stefan behaved as if nothing happened! We are still chatting on fb and he sends me "kiss faces" (you know: :-* ) and is really nice but we never got round to talk about the incident in the car. Should I ask him about it? Should I ask him straight away where he wants that to lead? Or should I behave as always and not mention it and wait till he makes the next step?I think he's had a lot of short relationships, like just a few months (so is he a player or just choosy?)and he is really good looking and extremely successful. I don't want to be just a trophy or a toy to him, he can show off with, I want to be his girlfriend! What should I do? How do I know he wants the same?
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female
reader, NeRd 1232  +, writes (18 July 2009):
I have the same situation but I have this feeling like he ignores the fact we should go in public and he blew me off twice. I hope u solve it before I do. Best of luck.
A
male
reader, Jason32477 +, writes (16 July 2009):
 I probably would have acted the same way even if I was interested in you. It`s not like you were alone at the time for him to be getting all affectionate.But I bet he wanted to. Did he at least hold you hand.I woulda gone at least that far with a friend around.You don`t have to spill your guts to him but you ought to let him know your interested.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 July 2009):
 Oh sweetie, I think if Stefan liked you as more than a friend, he would have let you know by now. The kissing is one thing, but the bj to him was just an extension of that, and I think he probably assumed you were okay with just a casual hookup. Drinks involved? Inhibitions go down and decisions are made that wouldn't have been made if both parties were sober.
So maybe one of the guys here can give you some advice as to what to do next, but here's my take on this. If you want to be his girlfriend, then you need to make sure that you are desirable. And by desirable, I don't mean giving out any more sexual favors to him. What you want is for him to perceive you as a desirable girlfriend. Sad truth, boys actually do want a trophy they can be proud of on their arm. Not a toy, a real, attractive woman who will make their chief rivals (who interestingly enough are their best friends as well) green with envy.
A girl who is too available and 'on-call' for casual sex isn't going to qualify. I know it's a double-standard, I know it's unfair, but there it is.
Personally, I think his reactions show that he's a bit of a selfish, self-centered boy, but if you really want him, you first have to convince him that you are mortified you actually did what you did. That you only did it because he was so devastatingly attractive, and that you have no intention of doing it again because you are definitely not 'that kind of girl.' And then you have to become very very busy with vague explanations of why you can't get together with him. The idea being that you are making yourself look as though you are inundated with offers from other guys for dates and that you are yourself very very picky and that you are NOT sleeping with any of them, but are keeping them at bay because you are a woman of substance and taste. That you value yourself very highly and that you deserve the best treatment from your beaux.
I hate playing games like this but I've discovered life involves a lot of marketing and careful packaging. You can turn this to your advantage but you must be willing to walk away.
I don't mean you should be snooty and snotty. I mean you should be friendly and cordial and very obvious about not being interested in casual sex.
I fear you will find he has short relationships because he's kind of an egotist and no one can put up with it for long.
Take some time to observe his friends and who he hangs out with and what their value systems are. That is what is important to them. It could be anything from this incomplete list: status, sex, fun, freedom, being perceived as a sex god, living in the moment, stability, job, career, future plans, money, stuff, athletic prowess.
In my observation, some young men are often still defining themselves and finding their place in the world. They don't want to "settle down" until they are good and ready to. There are others who do want to be in an exclusive relationship with a girl they love and who find comfort and support for life's challenges by being part of a couple. Figure out which path your Stefan is on and be very logical about this.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, abikins +, writes (16 July 2009):
i thik you should just bring up the ordeal that happened in the car in just a casual comversation and see his reaction. dont force him to talk about it but try to keep on the conversation without him getting mad. if he gives you the reaction you want then push it further with "what if" or "hypotheticly" questions about your relationship moving to the next step.
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