A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:After two years of being single and trying the "don't look, someone will come into your life when you least expect it" - she didn't - I tried the online dating thing. Two dates in two years.Have now been single for 4 years and totally and utterly fed up with it. I am happy with who I am, what I do, but I want someone other than friends to share things with. I want someone to go on holidays with, hold hands walking down a beach, all the stuff you don't do with a friend.I have loads of female friends but none have been able to set me up with any of their single friends because - and this is the issue - I don't want kids. Never have, never will. And as I don't want my own, I don't want to take on someone else's.I have had friends tell me recently that unless I compromise on this - I don't think this is an area for compromise, it's a dealbreaker, you can't hand the kids back like a car - I have to face the fact that I am probably going to be on my own for most of my life.And that, quite frankly, stinks. I keep myself busy (but not so busy that if I met someone I wouldn't have time for them). I have tried speed dating, joining new clubs, everything that people recommend.My female friends all say that, aside from the kids thing, I am a catch - a good guy without being a doormat, dependable, interesting, good looking - and if only I'd have kids.... I had women on dating sites who contacted me and said our profiles matched, they liked the sound of me and "if only you wanted kids, I'd date you". Some people suggest I should date them anyway because unless there is chemistry, it's not going to go anywhere. But the trouble is if there is chemistry, someone - if not both - will end up getting hurt, because you can't change your mind on this. My first two relationships in my 20s broke down because of this. My last relationship lasted 7 years and she didn't want kids, but she was quite a bit older and the age gap became an issue. We should have split much sooner but I knew how hard it would be 'out there' again.Pretty much all of my friends are coupled and I totally feel the spare part. Everything is so kid-centric now (no, I don't hate kids) and geered towards parenting that those of us who don't actually feel we don't belong or are second-class (seriously, check out some ChildFree forums and see the shit we get).I miss sex but it's not so much that as the intimacy. The being with someone and snuggling up on a sofa or in bed. My worth, it seems, is only as a sperm donor, not my values or how I would treat someone.How do I learn to cope with this? Coz it's bloody hard.
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (15 May 2012):
 hi OP
Thank you for the update, that was helpful. So i was wondering, is your area lovely to live in - and wall to wall children everywhere.
Can you access the statistics for your country (presume you have a bureau of statistics) as they often do demographics showing which areas have the biggest concentrations of particular characteristics - highest number in an age group/highest number of singles/lowest number of children in that area /and number households comprising one person etc.?
Would re-locating to such an area be feasible?
Some big cities can have a higher concentration of single women, in particular age groups, without children living in particular areas.
You appear to be well focused on your goal, so i have no doubt you will achieve your goal
Best wishes
Abella
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2012): OP here - I really appreciate your advice, keep it coming guys. I should say I am 38 and would tend to look for women aged 30 - 45 to date, I'm not desperately seeking a much younger girl.
Chigirl - I mean it's not like, for instance, a couple wanting to go to different holiday destinations and one backing down or coming up with a different option suitable to the other partner. That's a compromise. You can't compromise. If one wants kids and the other doesn't, there is no different option suitable to both. And there are very few mothers, certainly in the UK, who aren't prime custodian and have the kids the majority of the time.
Abella - I am always out and about doing a wide range of hobbies, creative and sport. You're lucky to bump into any single women in their 30s or early 40s, let alone find one to date and then find out if they are childfree.
Cerberus - It's not at all black and white. It's amazing how many women in their early-40s still say they want kids if they don't have them (either IVF or adoption). In the UK, or at least round here anyway, most women - whether real life or online - who are in their 30s tend to have kids who are still many years away from leaving home. I realised how hard it would be to try and find childfree women and did look and try dating single mums but, it's very hard - most of them simply don't have the time to date (and say so on their profiles) because of staying home to take care of the kids (which I totally understand). Or they have issues with the father still being in the picture.
So Very - really? I have a huge circle of friends and all of them have kids, whether they are married or divorced. I know literally one other person in real life who doesn't want or already have kids. I chat to a lot of childfree people online but most of them are happily coupled or live far away - great to have other likeminded people to chat with but they all say how hard it is/was to meet other people who don't want kids.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2012): There is nothing wrong with not wanting to be a parent but I don't get how you can't compromise on this.
OP you're getting to the age now where a lot of the women you meet will have kids but they will be nearly, if not already, grown up and out of the house.
Surely you can date a woman who has kids without ever having to become a stepfather and having limited contact with them.
I've dated plenty of single mothers and had one ex who I dated for nearly a year and only saw her child twice.
If I were in your position I would adapt my attitude slightly. Most single mothers don't want a father to their kids, most of them don't even want you near their kids and it takes a hell of a long time for them to get to a stage where they'd feel comfortable having a new guy enter their kids life. I know a couple who are together two years now and he has nothing to do with her child, nothing at all. Her kid is 16 now and has another two years before they set off to college and he's seen her only a few times and only ever sees her when collecting her mother. You see with a child old enough to be left alone, the mother has a lot more freedom to date and even to spend nights over at your place, that kid is also raised and the job done. But you won't even give a woman a chance based on a very black and white set of rules, you're so strict in your conditions that you're basically telling women who have or want kids that they're useless to you and not worth it.
"My worth, it seems, is only as a sperm donor, not my values or how I would treat someone."
And a woman's worth to you is based chiefly on whether she's had a child or wants them. What about their values or how they would treat you?
Look OP it's only you who stands to lose out, in a world where relationships are a biological necessity in order for our species to procreate, finding and having one with such a strict rule that it can never have anything even resembling that, come into play then you're limiting yourself too much. I mean that is afterall what sex and intimacy is primarily for.
If I were you I'd revise my conditions slightly. What difference does it make to you if the woman has kids if they're already grown up and have nothing to do with you?
Everything is an area for compromise and besides what have you got to lose by trying? So it might not work out, then you'll just be here again but at least you'd have given yourself and that woman a chance. As long as you're up front about the kids thing then that lady can make her own choice. But you have to rework the conditions a bit.
If you don't want to be viewed as a sperm donor then perhaps you stop viewing women as broody, baby-makers.
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A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (15 May 2012):
 I wish I had an answer. I too don't want children and that's almost a crime in my culture! It's as if I'm this horrible, heartless woman who hates children (which I don't). My sympathies are with you, though. I just don't have a solution.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2012): Lots of women in your age group are making the same decision as you lately and not opting for kids. So I think it should be easier than it's ever been to find a lady who thinks like you. I'm presuming a lot of those women would be well educated career minded types, so make sure you are looking in the right places for them.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 May 2012):
 my 38 year old fiance does not like children and does not want children. Thankfully he can accept my children as the youngest is 25.... and although my oldest requires more parenting than a normal child (he is emotionally disabled) he still is out of our lives most of the time (he lives in a group home)
at your age, perhaps a slightly older woman with grown children would work for you... the worst you will have to deal with is being "grandpa".... that's where my man stands. He knows that one day I may have grandchildren (I'm 52) and that he will as my husband be called "grandpa"
He can accept that. It's not child rearing...
I have so many friends that do not have children by choice... so I don't get why you should have to compromise at your age...
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (15 May 2012):
And you are far more than a sperm donor.
Develop some hobbies that might take you out into the out doors. Like painting - oils or water colours. Join a group that stages exhibitions of the work of members.
Or like glass blowing - creative and it uses all your muscles too.
Book a cruise where the clients are likely to be aged 30 to 50. Some tours are specifically structured to age in that way. Unattached men are always very important on a cruise. you will never be lonely on a cruise.
And keep on datingand busy with your personal life and you will find things will go your way
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (15 May 2012):
Hi
You are getting closer to the age where this will not be an issue any more if you date girls around your own age. Never mind that celebrities have expensive IVF options. Never mind that celebrities adopt children even at relatively old ages.
By the time you start dating ladies aged 42- 43 then no one is even going to suggest children.
Yes, I have children. But I am aware of girls my age who do not want children. There are many professional women who are realistic about their fertility. Every year after 35 a woman's fertility drops. By 40 the fertility drops even lower again. And by 42 and 43 a woman is facing difficulty getting pregnant.
I even hear of celebrities claiming to want children and yet they are already past the 45 magic year. I often wonder if they very unrealisticly will be claiming at age 70 that they want a baby of their own 'next year'.
Join a group of professionals and women with careers they cherish and you will find many women in those ranks who would love a little romance, but do not want children.
You may be looking in all the wrong places.
Or you may be confining your search to much younger women.
And I have to agree with you - once a formerly childless couple have children their home becomes child focused in every way.
Take up long distance cycling - too strenuous to bring the children along. you will meet like minded girls amongst the cyclers.
Maybe some girls think it sounds attractive to say (Like the celebrities) that 'Oh yes, I do want children' or perhaps they think it sounds more feminine. I really think some girls do not want children and keep saying this chant to keep the pressure off them - from well meaning but interfering people pressuring them about when they are going to have children.
But once a girl reaches 40 she is most unlikely to want to have children. She already knows the freedom of being able to choose where she lives, where she goes on holidays, what to do in her life. She need not consult anyone. She is the boss, everything. If you can handle how self contained and resourceful she is then she may be the gal you have been looking for.
And I do understand what you are saying about wanting a gal to share your life. A single friend was saying exactly that recently. On the outside this guy is confident and capable (and yes, he does not want children either - but he chose to have the snip so there is no doubt that he cannot have children) Unfortunately for him he has a reputation for being a player. Now he has a new problem - to convince a woman that he really wants to settle down after so long playing the field.
I think I read somewhere that that the rule to find your perfect match is to Date and Date and Date. Date two women every week for 52 weeks and the rule is that before the year is out you will have met a Perfect Match for you.
All you are doing is 'qualifying' a women as to whether she is the ONE for you.
Sort of like a twice a week job interview. It can be as simple as a coffee date. A half hour walk in the park and a 15 minute discussion on a park bench is a date. A half hour work out at the gym with a Gal could even be a date.
A lunch date is still a date. These are qualifying dates, to see if they meet your criteria on some levels.
You do already have your own private criteria to work from as your blueprints? Yes? No !!!
Write out the attributes and the character of the woman you are looking for. How can you recognise the prize if you do not even know what prize aspects your prefer?
Every woman you meet is your potential Perfect Match.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 May 2012):
 "I don't think this is an area for compromise, it's a dealbreaker, you can't hand the kids back like a car"
What do you mean? When did a compromise mean you will hand children "back"? That to me sounds like NOT a compromise. A compromise would be more like you being with a mother who has her children only part time, maybe they stay with their father most of the time or at least 50% of the time. Or maybe a compromise would be to date a mom who only has one child. Or maybe a compromise could be to date someone who's child is a teenager/adult and already moved out of home. Or date someone with an older child at least, who won't limit your mobility so much.
When dating someone with a child you do not "take on" their child. You don't become a new daddy. You don't have to play the daddy role. You take them on only in the sense that you are going to have to be social with the children as well, and be civil with them as you would be with any other person who is dependent on the woman you date.
Well, either compromise or settle with being alone, I don't see much other choice for you if you so far have been unsuccessful in dating childless women who never wants them either. My best advice for you would be to look at women slightly older than you, who have grown up, or late teenage, children. Being close to 40 you should be able to find a woman in your age group who has an adult child.
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