A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:my husband and i have been married for 5 years and we've been together for a total of 10 years.We've made it this far and relationship has been great in every way except that since the last 1 year he has been telling me that he is interested in having children and he wants them while we are still young.I have never had any desire to be a mother atleast not right now.my husband is 7 years older than me, he is a doctor and most people in his friends and family have kids and he wants to settle down.I'm sure he will make a great father, he's very caring and loves kids and he is ready to share the work with me and financially we can afford a nanny but I'm still so scared of the responsibility.I feel a great pressure, i dont want to hurt him but neither do i want to resent him later if i chose to have a kid just to please him.Last year when told me he wants to have children, he gave him a time frame to think and talk about it and we were suppose to start trying by now but the time has come and i feel I'm still not ready!!!It's totally stressing me out, everyday i can not stop thinking about it.I'm considering doing it just for him without having the desire myself hoping that that i will fall in love with the child eventually.I'm also thinking about counselling.i want him to be happy, i dont want anything to ever go wrong between us, leaving is not an option.We love each other but this situation is so complicated.what should we do? Any advice? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2011): You should not have a kid just to please your husband and hope that you will "come around" and be happy once the kid is here. You may love your kid, but you may also come to resent your husband in the future. Also you may feel some resentment toward your kid as well even though you love him/her and put unnecessary demands on the kid to be "perfect" to make up for what you've lost.
Also realize that as the woman you will be the one who has to invest more of yourself physically and emotionally and energy-wise into raising the kid especially when they are small. thus if it's the husband who wants kids but not the wife, I think all the more you should NOT have kids.
It's one thing when it's the wife who wants kids and the husband doesn't because he's not the one who will endure the pregnancy and childbirth and breastfeeding etc. But for your husband to want YOU to undergo all these things, for his benefit when you don't want to, is selfish IMO.
I too agree that if one half of a couple wants kids and the other half doesn't then the default should be NO kids. Cos bringing a kid into a marriage that's not completely "there" is going to be very risky. the marriage could crumble leaving the kid with a broken home. If you don't have kids and the marriage crumbles because of the conflict over the issue well at least no innocent lives would be caught in the middle, the adults can simply move on with their own lives.
I have friends who just had their first baby, where one partner (the husband) didn't want to have kids but got pushed into it by his overbearing wife. Now that the baby is here, their marriage is starting to fall apart because he just is very unhappy with his new life and has yet to "come around"...and I think even if he "comes around" it's still not the same as if he had actually WANTED this life and chosen this path enthusiastically rather than it being forced on him and having to adapt. unfortunately the husband has lately started doing suspicious behavior that we all think indicates he's having an affair. If so, this is unacceptable but just goes to show how severe lasting unhappiness with one's marriage - and indeed with one's entire LIFE - can lead people down destructive paths. Having a kid changes your life drastically and forever, so if you don't want it, you should not do it.
A
female
reader, ShiShisAdvice +, writes (8 January 2011):
 You should divorce him so he can have the life he wants BUT...sounds like he chose a younger wife because of her looks, and this is what he gets. You don't want a baby with him because you married him for the "lifestyle", not for love. When you love a man, you want his baby, simple-as-that!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): Don't do it if you are not sure.
Don't do it if he is still in training either, it's hard on families and families with children have it even harder.
If he's finished with training, then you do it when both of you are ready.
This can be a big issue though, don't sweep it under the rug. Talk, and be a couple in this, and be very open.
My brother wanted children, had two, his wife didn't want any more, he was ok with this for a couple of years and then he had another wife and more children...messy to say the least.
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A
female
reader, petina1  +, writes (7 January 2011):
 You are right to be terrified of bringing a new life in to the world. It is such a massive responsibilty to do it right. Not just be able to financially maintain a child but to bring a child up properly in today society. It's not a nice world out there is it. I have a son and he's 23 now and i am still a very nervous mother with him. They say you can't choose their friends (but i didnt let him mix with the bad guys) so i don't believe in that quote. he's turned out great and He's been my greatest acheivement. But you can't be selfish if you do it right, they come first and when they are hurting, you hurt. So yes, think extremely carefully , like you are doing because it will be you that has to take on the most work with the child whilst your hubby is pursuing his career. If it's not the kind of life you want then think again. But you never know. It can be extremely rewarding if you put everything else on hold and concentrate on bringing a child into the world. Hard work, emotionally tiring but rewarding.
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (7 January 2011):
First of all, your own suggestion of seeking counseling is a very good one. A professional can be the unbiased buffer between you two to work this out.
That said, it is my firm belief that if either half of a couple does not absolutely want a child then the couple should simply not get pregnant. Period. There's really no way to compromise on this issue, you either have a child or you don't. There's no middle ground. A child deserves to be loved by both parents, so I really don't feel it is right to bring one into this world deliberately unless both parents are completely on board with the idea.
Speaking from experience, when I was married this was a point of contention. My ex-wife and I had one child and I wanted more, while she did not. I realized that I was the one that had to cave, so I stopped pushing the issue. Your husband should accept that you're not ready, and wait for you to come around. It is possible that this could become a deal-breaker, though, if his desire to procreate becomes a priority for him.
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