A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid I was date-raped three years ago. All I remember about the incident is him saying he's clean and I should not worry about diseases, but I should get the morning after pill. Anyway, I fell pregnant, but aborted and went for every test on the face of the earth afterwards. I'm clean, yay!!! Anyway, I've met this wonderful new guy and our relationship's growing. I just don't know if I should tell him that I 'killed' a baby. I'm fine though, have no regrets, just don't want him to judge me, I love him so much. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (20 August 2008):
 I was raped at college and I never told my boyfriend who I later married, mostly because I was stupid to get myself in that position,in fact I told nobody. A so called friend got this guy to get me really drunk at the pub (spiked my drinks) as she thought it would be funny, he followed me when I went to the toilet. Not so funny. I was with my ex for 17 years yet because of the man he was could never let on. I have remarried now and told new hubbie within a few months of meeting, why?? Because of the kind of person he is, he is caring and loving and very protective of me and would never judge me. You have to decide whether or not your guy can handle it, my ex was very angry and volatile. Oh and
You didnt kill a baby, you went through a very emotional and difficult time due to what this 'man' did to you and cannot take the blame for that x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2008): Wow. Good reply from Yos. I agree with what he says about deciding whether or not to tell the boyfriend and that any issue that he may take up will more likely to do with the rape, rather than the abortion. You have had three years to come to terms with what happened, for him it will be like it has just happened and he will need support and help, maybe from someone other than you.
I'm so pleased you have been able to move on and are now in a good relationship. I'm sure you will go with the right decision for your relationship, all the best.
...............................
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (19 August 2008):
 You didn't kill a baby, you aborted what would have become a baby eventually, belonging to a man that raped you. What you did is entirely ok. Even many people who are very religious make exceptions for abortions that are from rape, where they do not allow it in any other situation.
You should handle this with care. If this guy loves you then he may find what you tell him very upsetting, and be very angry with the man that did it to you. My guess is that he will not care about the abortion, but that he will care more about the rape. I would expect most men to react like that (odd I know, quite different from a woman).
You should ask yourself: can you go through your whole relationship (possibly your whole life) without needing to talk about this with him? Will it effect your relationship in a negative way? Might he find out from someone else?
If the answer to any of those is yes, then I would suggest telling him. But choose a time carefully when you are both in a good mood and leave time to talk about it. If talked about right, sharing this could bring you closer together. It is very intimate for you, and intimacy can be very healthy.
But be ready for him to react badly for a while, and do not get too upset with yourself if he is very angry or unhappy. It can be very hard for a man to hear that this happened to his partner. He may think you are 'damaged' or 'dirty' in some way and want to 'fix' you, although of course this is both a wrong judgement and impossible to do.
If you think the answer to all those questions above is 'no', then you could not tell him. You can have your relationship without the shadow of this being over him and over you both. He will not gain from knowing this, and if you can keep it a secret without it being a problem, then there is no reason to discuss it.
You have my sympathy for what happened to you.
...............................
|
