A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Question I'm in love with my boyfriend (of a year and a half)and we have have a great relationship besides the fact that he is really close to some female friends of his and one he is really close with that he use to date(sleep with)! He has a lot of male friends that he talks about alllllllll the time and when is comes to her He says that they are just friends now but the fact that never mentions her and that makes me feel like he had something to hide but on his end he claims he doesn't because he wants to avoid arguments. I've tried to except this situation but this year on my a few months ago he decided to attend this same friends daughters graduation a the day before my birthday and didn't want to tell me until I forced it out of him. It ruined my entire day! All these months later I'm still so hurt by this and I'm really debating on giving him a Ultimatum or just move on. Am I crazy for not wanting him to have single female friends? Especially ones he used to sleep with? Please help!!! I'm in love with him and just want to feel like I'm number one in life.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 September 2014):
 You're not crazy at all. That's a complete dealbreaker for me if a guy wants to remain close friends with exes or women he's had intimate relationships with, especially if he's hiding when he sees her like this guy did to you. I wouldn't put up with it and I wouldn't stand for it.
However, going the Ultimatum route is a bad idea, and here's why: If you say to him "You need to lose her or I walk", then it becomes a male ego thing, and many guys tend to get stubborn and dig their heels in because it's an affront to their manhood to be bossed by their women, even if they're completely in the wrong!
Also, if you issue an ultimatum and he digs in and gets stubborn, you have to be prepared to follow through, and that's where many women trip up, getting wishy-washy and not following through, causing the guy to lose respect for them.
Before you tune out the rest of my advice, I offer a much better solution that hits him 10 times harder than any ultimatum ever could.
You need to get ready to leave him, not get ready to have an ultimatum. If you live with him, then you need to make arrangements to move out into a new place or temporarily with family or friends until you have your place to live. if you don't live with him, then all the better. If you made the mistake of combining finances, then have the talk with financial institutions, lease offices, or whatever and make arrangements to separate everything. If you didn't combine finances, then ALL THE BETTER.
Then, when you have gotten yourself ready, you sit him down and say this:
"I've been thinking about this issue with you and your friend X (or multiple friends if there are them). We've had disagreements about her, we've fought, we've gone around and around this issue, and I've learned that I can't change you and likewise, you can't change me.
After many months and especially after you saw her behind my back, I've decided that this is untenable for me, and it's a dealbreaker. So, I'm breaking up with you. It's over. (this next part is if you live together) My plan is to move out (at the date you have already set in motion, whether it's a week, a month, or whenever but SOON).
I need to be with someone who doesn't keep exes and hide activities with them. It's not you, as you have made clear to me. I know that there are many other men who see things the way I do very emphatically, and the thought of me stepping out with an ex I shared a sexual history with would be as much of a dealbreaker to them as it is to me.
With that in mind, after I leave, I'll be blocking and deleting your contact information as well, because I don't keep exes as friends. I wish you well, and I really had hoped you'd put yourself in my shoes, but I can't change you, and I need to be with a guy who feels the same way I do."
Then get ready to leave. It's not a bluff like an ultimatum would be. If he had a single brain cell and cared about you, that would put the fear of God into him. And even if it didn't at first, guys tend to take a different trajectory about grieving relationship endings than women do. Women are in pain initially and rely on their friends, only to find out in a few weeks of the enormous freedom and weight being lifted off of them once they no longer have to worry about a disloyal boyfriend lying to them. Guys on the other hand initially are happy to be free, only to have the onslaught of "What have I done?!?" hit them once it sets in that you're gone.
And, in the event that he WAS cheating on you with his ex, then you needed to get this over with anyways and not waste another second with the guy.
No ultimatums. Only action. You've already had your talks, fights, and he's clear how you feel because he used you as an excuse to lie and be disloyal and carry on possibly an emotional affair AT LEAST.
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