A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I just got out of a rather long relationship, and am feeling like I'm finally looking at it for what it was rather than what I forced myself to believe it was. I felt unsafe the entire time we were together. Not physically. I mean emotionally. Any time my partner upset me or did anything that hurt me in any way, and I expressed that hurt, she punished me. She always knew which punishment would hurt me the worst and those were the punishments she would implement. I feel it was all a control tactic, looking back. But I always just gave her the benefit of the doubt because she's a master at appearing sweet and innocent, while simultaneously ripping your throat out. In the very beginning of our relationship, if I ever said something she didn't like or expressed an emotion she didn't approve of, she would storm out. It shocked me so much at first because I wondered where my sweet gf went. I thought I must have done something really awful for someone so sweet to storm out on me like that. But as time went on, I quickly learned that any time I expressed any emotions she didn't like, or expressed something that she didn't approve of, her reaction was always the same. She would call a cab and leave and break up with me. I expressed that this needed to stop as it was killing me. Her response was to keep doing it, but then additionally block me from all calls and texts afterwards. This always drove me crazy. I quickly learned never to speak my mind, no matter how small and seemingly insignificant, because if I did, this is the type of punishment I would receive - I would get dumped and blocked. So I just kept my mouth shut and held it all in. She also used other tactics. She used people she knew hurt me to get under my skin. An ex of hers was a recurring example. One time, I finally broke down from all of the things I've held inside for so long, and just cried and tried to express to her how much hurt I was harboring. Her reaction? To call her ex and have him come pick her up from my apartment. No reaction, no response, nothing. Just up and left with the one person she knew would hurt me most and broke up with me. That tore my heart from my chest. It seemed so blatant and malicious. I expressed that hurt to her, telling her how unfair it was, and how absolutely devastating her actions were, and her response was to tell me I was being the abusive one! Then of course went on to block me again. I honestly can't count how many times she broke up with me, blocking me, etc, during the course of our relationship. It was countless times. Somehow I always excused her horrid behavior because for one, like I said, she's a master manipulator and blinds you. I always thought she was such a sweet woman. Turns out that's all a part of the game of deceit. And two, because she claimed to have depression and excessive anxiety, so she always pawned that behavior off on one of those two issues. And loving her, I wanted to believe that was the culprit. We finally split up for good. I say for good because I finally see her for who she is and want nothing to do with her any longer. She's inflicted so much madness and crazy into my life that I'm finally just over it. But I'm left feeling used, beaten down, and just overall exhausted. Has anyone ever experienced any of the things I've experienced or felt unsafe during a relationship? How did you overcome the aftermath of what it did to you? I just finally feel like I've woken up after two years and I wonder where I've been this whole time and how I just didn't see it? And thats hard, too. Any similar experiences with an abusive partner would help and how it was overcome. Thanks.
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female
reader, RubyBirtle  +, writes (26 September 2014):
Hi,I haven't had experiences with an abusive partner but I have had experience with a partner who was arrogant, dismissive and totally indifferent to my feelings. I ended the relationship because it was obvious that he wasn't going to change and he didn't really care for me - just himself. I was totally devastated - but not just because I was alone or without him but because I was beating myself up for being such a fool. For having put up with it so long. For not having seen through him in the beginning even though I'm a mature experienced woman. For trying to talk to him about how I felt rather than just dumping him. For thinking things were my fault etc etc etcRelationships where one person always feels they have to walk on egg-shells all the time are exhausting as you constantly have to be on the alert because all-hell might break loose at any time. Once the egg-shells are gone and you're getting used to not having to tip-toe around any more, your body and mind will need to recuperate - hence the exhaustion. Personally, I gave into this exhaustion and took some time off work just to stay home and catch up on sleep but this MUST only be for a limited period - a long weekend in bed can be enough for some people but if the physical part of the exhaustion lingers for more than a few weeks then you may need some short term medical treatment for depressionDon't spend too much time ruminating about the relationship or why it went wrong. Sure, it's impossible to simply put it out of your mind completely and never think about it again but avoid doing things that just prolong these painful thought - listening to sad music or the love songs that you shared, re-reading old letters and emails, gazing at photo's etc etc. And don't spend too much time thinking or fantasizing about what you SHOULD have said or done instead. Yes, it's useful to think about the mistakes we made and how we can avoid them in the future but ruminating on this subject can be detrimental too. I got stuck in ruminating over the first time I had a conversation with my b/f about how I felt about his behaviour and built up an elaborate fantasy where, instead of listening to his apologies and excuses I'd been a complete bitch and walked out with my head held high - but that fantasy was still keeping me IN the relationship rather than moving on.If you do find yourself ruminating like I did, try to put a stop to it as soon as you notice it by getting up and doing something else, even if it's just making a coffee or washing the dishes. But something fun is a lot more useful. This is why so many people are encouraged to take up a new hobby whilst they're getting over a relationship.With the break up of any relationship,(not just an abusive one) one has to get used to "filling a gap" in your life. It is difficult for some people to get used to being alone again and it's even more difficult when life hasn't really changed except for the absence of a loved one.Activities that I found helped me get over break-ups (and I've had many) include- starting a new hobby (or reviving an old one) which gets you meeting and interacting with new people. (I joined a theatre group)- going to the gym and working out or doing a different type of exercise than your usual workout (Yoga helped the most)- taking a holiday (I chose an organised tour group which caters for solo travellers and went to Egypt but closer to home is just as good)- redecorate or reorganize your home. Even just moving the furniture around and putting different pictures up can make a difference. Get a friend or family member to help you. (My 70 year old Dad loves feeling manly enough to be asked to hammer a couple of picture hooks in!) And a spring-clean gives you the opportunity to throw away or put away all the reminders of you ex. (Maybe I just equate a tidy house to a tidy mind! And I never really seem to achieve either!)- new clothes, new hair-colour, new style. Go shopping with your friends/sister/auntie/mum - sometimes even brothers and Dads can be good shopping partners (but not mine!) Giving yourself a treat once in a while is always a plus because you deserve it.But what these activities have in common is that they occupy the mind, they're sociable and you can make friends that way (with the exception of the cleaning) and they're a break from the normal routine.Not all of these things were helpful all of the time (sometimes it's not financially possible to take holidays or buy a new wardrobe) but having someone to talk to about my feelings has been the most consistently useful thing.You seem to have a great need to vent in your post; so much so that the first person who replied thought you were asking for advice about the relationship rather than tips and encouragement to move on. I too needed to vent an awful lot but was aware that some people found my distress to upsetting to deal with and others just got bored with hearing the same old shit again and again (even though most didn't actually say so) But hey - I was bored with it too but just couldn't seem to shake it. So I started seeing a therapist - it gave me a safe place to explore my emotions and the reasons why my relationship went wrong but without me feeling I was ruminating.I hope this helps a bit. I'm glad you have decided to get off the roller coaster and be done with your ex for good. Stay strong.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2014):
It could very well be insecurity coupled with a hot temper but you're also not telling us what it is you'd say to her to cause these outbursts.
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